KANSAS CITY, Mo. (AP)—After four months of campaigning, Democratic presidential candidate Another White Guy announced on Friday that he’s dropping out of the race, after failing to gain traction in a crowded field of competitors—many of whom were also white and guys. “To those who put their faith and trust in Another White Guy,” Another […]
New Column!
Posted inEvents
Quick! Get Your Tickets Now for the Undisputable Geniuses of Comedy 2019!
It’s back! The biggest night of Portland comedy is returning to Revolution Hall on Saturday, September 21! It’s the Portland Mercury’s Undisputable Geniuses of Comedy 2019, featuring Portland’s funniest people (and hilarious up-and-comers) all on one stage. Stand-up, sketch comedy, and craaazy stuff that defies explanation… all provided by Portland’s local undisputable geniuses! Featuring gut-busting […]
Posted inComedy
One Hulk’s Opinion: Hulk SMASH Puny Jay Inslee!
ARGHHHH!!! Hulk FURIOUS!! Why? Because right after Hulk donate $17 of hard-earned Hulk money to puny Democrat president candidate Jay Inslee, puny Jay Inslee DROP OUT OF RACE! Hulk disappointed for two reasons! 1) Hulk put all Hulk eggs in puny Inslee’s basket—but when puny Inslee quits, Hulk not get eggs back?!? 2) Puny Inslee […]
Posted inMovies & TV
Hurry Up Already! Entries for the 2019 HUMP! Film Fest are Due September 13!
CALLING ALL SEXY PEOPLE! (Especially amateur filmmakers, actual filmmakers, sex-positive singles/couples/throuples/quads, wannabe porn stars, kinksters, and other creative types!) You are hereby invited to submit your short porn films—five minutes max—for the HUMP! 2019 film festival! Your mini-movie can be hardcore, softcore, live action, stop action, animated, musical, kinky, vanilla, straight, gay, lez, bi, trans, […]
Posted inComedy
You’re Wrong About That! (Portland Edition)
Hello. I’m Francine Colman-Gutierrez, and here are some things (about Portland) that you’re wrong about. “Transplants have ruined Portland!” Tell that to the heart surgeons at OHSU. “Swimming in the Willamette River is gross.” It is literally cleaner than your bathtub. “Portland is too crowded!” …says the unmarried bachelor who works at Under Armour and […]
Posted inComedy
Two Months After Announcing Presidential Bid, Another White Guy Declares Himself the Democratic Nominee
KANSAS CITY, Mo. (AP)—In late May of 2019, Democratic candidate Another White Guy entered the presidential race, and immediately secured a top-three position in the national polls alongside fellow white guys Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders. However, in the weeks following the two Democratic debates, Another White Guy has seen his popularity slipping. This inspired […]
Posted inComedy
America, Make No Mistake—I WILL Disappoint You
Dear America: On Wednesday, July 17, I’ll publicly testify before Congress about my investigation into Russian interference during the 2016 election. I promise I’ll be honest, forthright, and answer all questions to the best of my ability. Here’s something else I promise: I WILL DISAPPOINT YOU. Look at it from my perspective: I was hired […]
Posted inComedy
In Unanimous Vote, Portland Pets Vow to Bite the Ass of Anyone Using Fireworks
PORTLAND (AP)—During an emergency session of the Portland Association of Pets and Owned Animals (PAPOA), the organization unanimously voted to overrule current bylaws and allow animals to “severely bite the ass” of humans in “possession of or using” fireworks. “Look, enough is enough,” said PAPOA president Chick’n’Noodle, an eight-year-old golden retriever. “For years, the pets […]
Posted inEvents
Like Sex and Comedy? Then You’ll Love Talkin’ Dirty with Shrista & AJ!
Look out, America! The Portland Mercury and She Bop have a brand-new live show that pairs your favorite things in the world: SEX AND COMEDY. It’s Talkin’ Dirty with Shrista & AJ, starring the hilarious Shrista Tyree and beloved sex educator/entertainer Amory Jane. In this new monthly series, Shrista and AJ will bring you a […]
Posted inComedy
In Crowded Democratic Field, Another White Guy Announces Bid for 2020 Presidency
KANSAS CITY, Mo. (AP)—Despite being the 24th Democratic candidate to enter the race for the coming 2020 presidential election, Another White Guy has announced he is throwing his hat into the ring. “Honestly, I never considered running for the presidency,” Another White Guy said to a packed room of reporters. “But someone has to stand […]
Posted inComedy
Radical E-Scootin’! by Vladmir Putin
Yo, what the dillio, comrades? Who’s wicked psyched that e-scooters are bizzity-izzity-BACK in PDX? I remember back in the day when e-scooters first lit the scene, but were totally yoinked before we got a chance to get truly radical! That’s why your main dude Vlad Putin is on the block to educate you fools on […]
Posted inComedy
Ask a Guy Who’s Just Standing There on the Pedestrian Bridge Over I-5
Dear Guy Who’s Just Standing There on the Pedestrian Bridge Over I-5: What the fuuuuuuuck are you doing? Do you have the slightest idea how creepy it is to be driving along I-5 and then see YOU just standing there on the pedestrian bridge, staring down at traffic? You have no business being there! It’s […]