One Day at a Time

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 25 What’s the difference between attempting suicide and being scratched by a cat? Apparently not much if you live in David Hasselhoff’s household! According to TMZ.com, the Baywatch star and current internet darling made an emergency 911 call last night, in which he allegedly told the operator his daughter was trying to commit […]

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 18 Now, here are a couple of things you don’t hear every day: (1) Paris Hilton gives a homeless person $100, and (2) Michael Jackson has rumored plans to construct another theme park—this one devoted to LEPRECHAUNS. Though both sound equally unbelievable, we have seen actual video proof (courtesy of TMZ.com) of Paris […]

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 11 For those of you who woke up assuming it was going to be a great day—well, FORGET IT. That’s because it’s September 11, and there will never be another great September 11. EVER. Personally, we just write the day off, and expect to spend much of our lunch hour crying in our […]

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 4 Though still a week away (by One Day timeline), the politicization of 9/11 is already blowing full blast. Members of the former Clinton administration hit the roof over ABC’s upcoming miniseries, The Path to 9/11—which they claim is “terribly wrong.” Both former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright and former National Security Adviser […]

MONDAY, AUGUST 28 Remember the guy who killed JonBenet Ramsey? The one they caught a couple weeks ago? John Mark Karr. Yeah, that’s the one! Well, as it turns out, he’s not so “killy” after all. Prosecutors abruptly cleared him as a suspect today after DNA taken from JonBenet’s body failed to match Karr’s. It […]

MONDAY, AUGUST 21 Remember last week, when we reported that Paris Hilton was burying her pet goat next to the grave of Marilyn Monroe? Well, we’re starting to figure out why Paris is so frikkin’ WEIRD—and as usual, it’s the MOTHER’S FAULT. (Sorry, Mom, but you really did ruin us.) According to an interview with […]

MONDAY, AUGUST 14 Morality. Not much use for it in Hollyweird, is there? Frankly speaking, morality gets in the way of coke binges, home wrecking, and money making. Take party gal Lindsay Lohan, for example—taking her cue from old episodes of Sex and the City, Lindsay’s philosophy on sex is fuck ’em, fuck ’em, fuck […]

MONDAY, AUGUST 7 For those who are just becoming obsessed with the new national pastime—that would be Hollywood gossip— you should know that a “blind item” can be the Holy Grail of Tinseltown gab. It’s a super juicy bit of gossip where the celebrity is unnamed—either because of legal reasons or because the report is […]

MONDAY, JULY 31 Get ready, world! It’s Mel Gibson Week—did you mark your calendars? Good, because it’s time to party! And coincidentally, Mel did just that when he got caught driving stinko drunk, and called the arresting officer a “fucking Jew.” (And we thought we wouldn’t have anything to write about this week!) Today, Mel […]

MONDAY, JULY 24 It’s time to play America’s favorite new game, “Is This Celebrity a Fucking Liar?” Today’s subject: teen queen Lindsay Lohan! (Applause.) According to Lindy’s P.R. flack Leslie Sloane-Zelnick (the hardest working woman in celebrity cover-ups), Lindsay collapsed from heat exhaustion today on the set of her new film, Georgia Rule. After getting […]

MONDAY, JULY 17 First it was Kabbalah, then Scientology, and the next ridiculous religion that Hollyweird is chasing after? MATRIMONY. It seems like everybody and their fiancés are blowing big bucks just so they can have a fancy celebrity wedding that no one except other celebrities are invited to. Like who? Like, for example, on-and-off […]

MONDAY, JULY 10 From deep within the putrid bowels of Hollyweird, here comes the latest gossipy gab courtesy of One Day at a Time! News flash! Leggy supermodel Naomi Campbell just can’t seem to stop beating the help. Look. We know it’s annoying when they misfold a towel, or put too much salt in the […]