The Trash Report

Hellllooooo, sweet baby angel Trash Pandas! Welcome back to the Trash Report. I have missed you! My latest column was part of the Valentine’s issue, so I feel like we haven’t had one of these rambling web-only columns in ages. (Web-only columns are often more fun because the editors barely look at them and word […]

Hello my little lovebirds! Welcome to this very special Valentine’s Day edition of the Trash Report. Love is a wonderful feeling, and although this is a very stupid holiday, this column will be extremely layered and complex. I hope you’re ready to access the darkest corners of your heart you’d forgotten even existed. Just kidding! […]

Hey friends. I am writing this on Sunday. My daughter and I like to snuggle on the couch and watch dumb Instagram reels on my phone together on the weekends, and but yesterday ICE shot a man to death in Minneapolis, so I had turn my phone away from her to make sure a news […]

Hi babies! Welcome to the first new Trash Report for 2026. As always, I am your best friend, Elinor Jones. I don’t know about you, but I am not bothering with Dryuary this year. I learned from the events of January 6, 2021 that January is always going to give us a reason to toss a […]

Happy holidays, Trash Pandas! ‘Tis I, Elinor Jones, coming to you live from the weird vortex between Christmas and New Year’s Day. In the spirit of this being the laziest, dirt-baggiest week of the year, this week’s column is a compilation of my favorite morsels of trash from throughout the year. That’s right friends: it’s […]

Hello, Trash Pandas! It’s me, Elinor Jones, with a special end-of-the-year Trash Report. This year certainly was something, wasn’t it? To put it in perspective, when the year began, Joe Biden was still the president (remember him?!), and Blake Lively was just entering into litigation with former costar Justin Baldoni stemming from alleged sexual harassment […]

Hello Trash Pandas, and happy December! ’Tis I, Elinor Jones. Christmas has exploded in my home, with decorations that are a combination of vintage keepsakes my mom kept from my childhood and random crap my daughter insisted we buy from Freddie’s. It’s pure chaos and I will love it for the next three weeks and not […]

Hello, and welcome back to the Trash Report! Happy Thanksgiving week! Let me start this column with something I’m thankful for, which is that today’s children’s aren’t fed a lot of horseshit about Pilgrims and colonialism, so I don’t have to decorate the house for this holiday, which is one less thing to deal with. […]

Hi, and welcome to the Trash Report! I’m Elinor Jones. This is going to be a lot of commentary on a LOT of nonsense, and thanks to Ralph Nader, I can tell you to buckle up, and you’ll be able to (albeit metaphorically with this column, although you could also do so literally while driving […]

Hi! Welcome to the Trash Report. I’m Elinor Jones, doing my damnedest to write and think about anything besides this season of Love is Blind, which sucked so bad. I have very little time to watch television, so when something I consistently make time for lets me down, I feel personally attacked and wonder why […]