The Trash Report

Helloooooooo Trash Pandas! Welcome back to the Trash Report. I’m your girl Elinor Jones, fresh off a weeks-long mental health break “sabbatical.” This summer has been fun, but it’s been busy and I was fresh out of jokes to make and fucks to give, so I needed to rest. I’ve also been oddly tuned out […]

[EDITOR’S NOTE: America’s favorite gossip columnist, Elinor Jones, is taking a well-deserved vacation and will return soon with the latest in shit-talking celebrity shenanigans. Until then, please enjoy this classic edition of The Trash Report from December 4, 2023.] Hello, Trash Pandas! I’m Elinor Jones, and this is…THE TRASH REPORT. Did anything cool happen to you […]

Hi, Trash Pandas, and welcome back to the Trash Report! I’m Elinor Jones. Now, some may worry that when I cover a Good Morning, News during the week that I’ll have burned through my battery and wouldn’t have any juice left for you all. Great news: I save all the best juice for you all. […]

Hello, and welcome back to the Trash Report! I am Elinor Jones, and I am so glad you are here. I, for one, am living for today’s cool weather because I recently got a horrific sunburn and need to be 150% clothed for the foreseeable future (we call this “the full Sister Act, plus one-half”). […]

Helloooo sweet angel Trash Pandas! It’s me, Elinor Jones, back after an achingly long absence with your extremely overdue Trash Report. Last week I was on vacation in Alaska and it was so pretty! I saw whales. They were splashy. I had limited cell reception for a good part of my trip and I felt […]

Hi everybody, I’m Elinor Jones, and this is the Trash Report. The other day I found a DIVINE ’90s rock station on Spotify, which was a great reminder of a simpler time. Then the Everclear banger “Santa Monica” came on, and my partner said “I wonder where Everclear came from,” which was a frank reminder […]

Hi there, and welcome to the Trash Report! I’m Elinor Jones. I’m writing this week’s column on Father’s Day, immensely grateful that my immediate family all had the fortune of being born in this country, and I don’t have to live in fear in one of them being dragged away on their way to work. […]

Hi babies, and welcome back to the Trash Report! This is the last week of school for families in the area, which means the days of “I can’t wait ’til summer” will soon give way to “what are we doing today” and “can you text _____’s mom for a playdate” and “when does school start […]

Hiyeeeeee! Welcome back to the Trash Report. I’m Elinor Jones. How are you? Some people may say that they are “too blessed to be stressed” and I am living evidence that it’s possible to be both blessed AND stressed. We can have it all!  Would you like to discuss news and gossip with me? I […]

Hi everybody, and welcome back to the Trash Report! I’m Elinor Jones. Some have said that this column reads like a drunk girl in a bathroom bar whisper-yelling to a girl she just met about a mutual enemy who’s not there, and to that I say: good, this is exactly what I’m going for. Now […]