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May your June/July be as beautiful as you are, but not as hot, because that would be too hot.
Hi everybody, I’m Elinor Jones, and this is the Trash Report. The other day I found a DIVINE ’90s rock station on Spotify, which was a great reminder of a simpler time. Then the Everclear banger “Santa Monica” came on, and my partner said “I wonder where Everclear came from,” which was a frank reminder […]
Hi there, and welcome to the Trash Report! I’m Elinor Jones. I’m writing this week’s column on Father’s Day, immensely grateful that my immediate family all had the fortune of being born in this country, and I don’t have to live in fear in one of them being dragged away on their way to work. […]
Hi babies, and welcome back to the Trash Report! This is the last week of school for families in the area, which means the days of “I can’t wait ’til summer” will soon give way to “what are we doing today” and “can you text _____’s mom for a playdate” and “when does school start […]
Hiyeeeeee! Welcome back to the Trash Report. I’m Elinor Jones. How are you? Some people may say that they are “too blessed to be stressed” and I am living evidence that it’s possible to be both blessed AND stressed. We can have it all! Would you like to discuss news and gossip with me? I […]
Hi everybody, and welcome back to the Trash Report! I’m Elinor Jones. Some have said that this column reads like a drunk girl in a bathroom bar whisper-yelling to a girl she just met about a mutual enemy who’s not there, and to that I say: good, this is exactly what I’m going for. Now […]
Hi everybody, and welcome to the Trash Report! This is an extra special column. because it’s for the upcoming FOOD EDITION of the Mercury. Hey, it turns out there isn’t enough gossip about food to fill up a whole column, so I’m doing the things that celebrities do when they go to the Met Gala, […]
Hello, and welcome to another Trash Report! I am Elinor Jones. Wow, I just saw that this Nikon photography account on Instagram got a pic of all of us in a tree together (I’m the one whispering): Imagine that’s still us and I am reading you all of the following: Dumpster Nation President Trump had […]
Hello, beautifuls! It’s me, Elinor Jones, back with another Trash Report for your eyes and your hearts. Did you know that the latest PRINT ISSUE of the Mercury is out now, which is a GUIDE TO FUN?! There’s a bonus Trash Report in there. And then Mercury editor-in-chief Wm. Steven Humphrey asked if I had […]
Hello friends, and welcome to The Trash Report! This is a space for talking about what’s happening in the world. The Mercury is publishing a “Portland Guide to FUN” issue this coming week, and I have been asked to play along, even though much of the news right now is very—how you say—not fun. I’d […]
Hi everybody! I’m Elinor Jones. Welcome back to the Trash Report. I almost feel bad giving you a reason to look at screen-based content when it is SO GODDAMN BEAUTIFUL OUTSIDE. I could never live in one of those year-round summer hellholes; we need the darkness to appreciate all this light. Do I mind that […]
Hi there! Welcome back to the Trash Report. I am mother trash panda, Elinor Jones. I hope you have been having a pleasant April spent refreshing your retirement account, wondering what was even the point of saving in your 20s for a future that may not happen when you could have just spent more money […]
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