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The Trash Report
Posted inThe Trash Report

THE TRASH REPORT: Celebrity Flames (Not the Fun Kind), a Nepo Baby King, and Guess Who’s Bringing SexyBike?

Get your weekly dose of garbage-y, gossip-y trash!
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

Hi everyone! Welcome back to the Trash Report. I’m your girl, Elinor Jones. Now usually I like to start my column with a little check-in about how I’m feeling, so I’m sure you can understand me this week when I say: “not well, bitch.” Things are bleak, y’all. In my household, Dry January has morphed […]

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THE TRASH REPORT: Wealth Week with Weddings, Medals, Trophies, and Purses

Get ready to get filthy rich… in gossip.
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

Happy New Year, Trash Pandas! It’s me, Elinor Jones, here with the latest in gossip, nonsense, tomfoolery, and whatever else I’ve scrolled past that made rub my hands together and say “I could make a joke about that!” Not to be a downer, but I predict 2025 will be one of our worst years yet; […]

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THE TRASH REPORT: Ex-Presidents, Bad Gifts, and a Very Bad Flu

Let’s dip our paws into this week’s garbage can of hot gossip.
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

Hello, my babies, and welcome back to the Trash Report! It’s your girl, Elinor Jones, blissfully full of nog and rest. Happy belated war on Christmas to every last one of you. I know, I know—I’ve been coasting off reruns the past couple of weeks, but I’ve missed you very much so let’s make like […]

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THE TRASH REPORT: 2024—the Year in TRASH

Follow us down memory lane for the best and worst trash of 2024!
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

Happy Holidays, Trash Pandas! ‘Tis I, Elinor Jones, AKA the Ghost of Trash Past, here to guide you through 2024—a year that I could best describe as “a year that happened.” January 8  I hate to break it to us, but despite anyone’s resolutions, this is probably not going to be a year when anybody […]

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THE TRASH REPORT: In Honor of Short Kings. Plus: Ingenius Legal Defense Strategies, Bears in Portland, and Portland in Song

Enjoy this classic edition of The Trash Report from our garbage can archives!
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

[Our Elinor Jones is taking a well-deserved trash-free vacation this week, so please enjoy this CLASSIC edition of The Trash Report from May 22, 2023!—eds.] Hello, my sweet baby Trash Pandas! If nobody has told you yet today, you are a darling goblin whose mere existence dramatically increases global average human sexiness by several points, and […]

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THE TRASH REPORT: On Casseroles and Capitalism

Eat up, trash pandas! It’s a buffet of the week’s trashiest gossip.
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

Hello my sweet angel baby Trash Pandas! Welcome back to the Trash Report. I’m Elinor Jones, currently recovering from the annual macaroni and cheese cookout I host with my friends. Ever eaten six kinds of macaroni and cheese in one sitting? There are worse things than a cheap rum hangover, and it’s being 40 and […]

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THE TRASH REPORT: What Are You Thankful For?

It’s your Thanksgiving dinner of garbage-y gossip! (And cranberry sauce in a can.)
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

Hello Trash Pandas! Happy Thanksgiving week. This is my favorite holiday because I like eating and spending time with my family, of course—but also because I don’t have to decorate my house for it. As a parent, once Thanksgiving is over, it’s all Christmas all the time and I’m about to have sentimental clutter over […]

Posted inHoliday Guide 2024 🎅

THE TRASH REPORT: 2024—the Year in TRASH

Follow us down memory lane for the best and worst trash of 2024!
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

[Editor’s note: Read all our holly jolly HOLIDAY GUIDE articles here. Looking for a print copy? Good! You can find it in more than 500 spots across Portland with this handy map!] Happy Holidays, Trash Pandas! ‘Tis I, Elinor Jones, AKA the Ghost of Trash Past, here to guide you through 2024—a year that I […]

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THE TRASH REPORT: A Woman Didn’t Get the White House, but Women DID Get Grammy Noms, Which Are Not as Good

Avatar photo Elinor Jones

What’s happening Trash Pandas? Welcome back to the Trash Report. I am Elinor Jones and I am not doing well! Lucky for us, things have been shitty often enough and recently enough that we can disassociate and do our silly little activities. How fortunate we are to live in times that challenge us! JK! I […]

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THE TRASH REPORT: Election Week Jitters, Celebrity Breakups, and Guerrilla Marketing Campaigns and the Basic Bitches They Work On (Me!)

Worried? Try putting your head deep into this garbage gossip can for a few minutes.
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

Hello, and welcome back to the Trash Report! Like many people with mental illness, my home is a reflection of what is happening with the ol’ brain—when depression is in the driver’s seat, my house gets messy; when anxiety is calling the shots, the palace is pristine. And friends, being ONE DAY away from yet […]

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