The Trash Report

Hello Trash Pandas and welcome back to the Trash Report. I’m Elinor Jones, and I’ve missed you so much! I didn’t write a column last week because I was on “vacation” at freakin’ Disneyland, because a thing about having kids when the world is on fire is that you feel bad about how fucked up […]

Hi Trash Pandas! Welcome back to the Trash Report. Or just regular welcome if this is your first time reading. I’m Portland’s best kept secret, Elinor Jones. Can you believe January is over? I can hardly believe it myself. Things have been so shitty lately, I almost feel like it’s a trick. Like we’re destined […]

Hi everybody, and welcome to another roundup of news and gossip and, most importantly, TRASH. Have you checked the weather forecast lately? Trash shows no sign of letting up for the foreseeable future. In fact if I wrote a song about the trash forecast, it would be called “Lightning Trashes.” If I were to be […]

Hello, everyone! Welcome back to the Trash Report, coming in one day late this week because I was off work yesterday for MLK Jr. day and a national day of service/spiraling. It’s nice to come to you all on a Tuesday. I feel like on Mondays everybody opens their devices with hopes for a fresh […]

Hi everyone! Welcome back to the Trash Report. I’m your girl, Elinor Jones. Now usually I like to start my column with a little check-in about how I’m feeling, so I’m sure you can understand me this week when I say: “not well, bitch.” Things are bleak, y’all. In my household, Dry January has morphed […]

Happy New Year, Trash Pandas! It’s me, Elinor Jones, here with the latest in gossip, nonsense, tomfoolery, and whatever else I’ve scrolled past that made rub my hands together and say “I could make a joke about that!” Not to be a downer, but I predict 2025 will be one of our worst years yet; […]

Hello, my babies, and welcome back to the Trash Report! It’s your girl, Elinor Jones, blissfully full of nog and rest. Happy belated war on Christmas to every last one of you. I know, I know—I’ve been coasting off reruns the past couple of weeks, but I’ve missed you very much so let’s make like […]

Happy Holidays, Trash Pandas! ‘Tis I, Elinor Jones, AKA the Ghost of Trash Past, here to guide you through 2024—a year that I could best describe as “a year that happened.” January 8  I hate to break it to us, but despite anyone’s resolutions, this is probably not going to be a year when anybody […]

[Our Elinor Jones is taking a well-deserved trash-free vacation this week, so please enjoy this CLASSIC edition of The Trash Report from May 22, 2023!—eds.] Hello, my sweet baby Trash Pandas! If nobody has told you yet today, you are a darling goblin whose mere existence dramatically increases global average human sexiness by several points, and […]

Hello my sweet angel baby Trash Pandas! Welcome back to the Trash Report. I’m Elinor Jones, currently recovering from the annual macaroni and cheese cookout I host with my friends. Ever eaten six kinds of macaroni and cheese in one sitting? There are worse things than a cheap rum hangover, and it’s being 40 and […]

Hello, and welcome back to the Trash Report! Or if this is your first time reading, regular welcome to the Trash Report. I imagine the existence of this column is very irritating to people who are trying to figure out how to report trash, cuz if you google Portland Report Trash, this is what you […]