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The Trash Report
Posted inThe Trash Report

THE TRASH REPORT: In Search of “Fun”—and Other Not-So-Fun Tasks

Let’s go, Trash Pandas! It’s time to flip the lid off this can of garbage-y gossip.
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

Hello friends, and welcome to The Trash Report! This is a space for talking about what’s happening in the world. The Mercury is publishing a “Portland Guide to FUN” issue this coming week, and I have been asked to play along, even though much of the news right now is very—how you say—not fun. I’d […]

Posted inThe Trash Report

THE TRASH REPORT: Jack Black, Coachella, and Being Cool With Me: A Cool Person

Let’s go, trash pandas! It’s time to dig deep into this week’s bucket of gossip.
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

Hi everybody! I’m Elinor Jones. Welcome back to the Trash Report. I almost feel bad giving you a reason to look at screen-based content when it is SO GODDAMN BEAUTIFUL OUTSIDE. I could never live in one of those year-round summer hellholes; we need the darkness to appreciate all this light. Do I mind that […]

Posted inThe Trash Report

THE TRASH REPORT: Trump Jr. Got to See Sublime and All I Got Is a Huge Hit on My Retirement Savings

Let’s dig into the biggest, steaming pile of gossip of the week. 
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

Hi there! Welcome back to the Trash Report. I am mother trash panda, Elinor Jones. I hope you have been having a pleasant April spent refreshing your retirement account, wondering what was even the point of saving in your 20s for a future that may not happen when you could have just spent more money […]

Posted inThe Trash Report

THE TRASH REPORT: They Like Green LAND, not Green PLANTS!

Scrub in, because we’re digging deep into this week’s pile of garbage-y gossip.
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

Hello, and welcome to the Trash Report! I’m Elinor Jones, writing to you from the highly niche, but real mood described as “this season of White Lotus is ending pretty soon and then I won’t know what to talk to people about.” I hope you’re more normal than I am! The news has been so […]

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THE TRASH REPORT: Marital Woes and Expensive Cheetos

Slip on your hazmat suit and dig in to this week’s pile of hot goss.
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

Hello sweet angel baby Trash Pandas, and welcome back to the Trash Report! It’s me, Portland’s Best Kept Secret™, Elinor Jones. Remember in Jerry Maguire when Tom Cruise said Cuba Gooding Jr. was the NFL’s best-kept secret, and then Roy Tidwell got a contract for millions of dollars and Regina King was so happy? That’s gonna […]

Posted inThe Trash Report

THE TRASH REPORT: John Goodman Got Hurt, Post Malone Got Single, and Ray-Gunn’s Bro Put the Cry in Crypto Boy

Let’s hold hands and jump into this pail of garbage-y gossip together!
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

Hello, and welcome to the Trash Report! I am Elinor Jones and I desperately miss the hour we just lost. It was the hour that was going to fix everything, I just know it. This week is going to be super rainy and I’m glad, because every year I think I’m going to learn how […]

Posted inThe Trash Report

THE TRASH REPORT: The Academy Award for Contagious Disease Goes to…

Let’s walk the red carpet of garbage in this week’s gossip roundup!
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

Hi Trash Pandas! Welcome back to the Trash Report. I’m Elinor Jones, and I missed you! I am so happy it’s freaking MARCH and even though it still feels wintry outside, and is in fact still winter, last week was a gorgeous sneak peek of spring and I can’t wait. Times are dark metaphorically; we […]

Posted inThe Trash Report

THE TRASH REPORT: Would You Rather: Diet Coke with Lady Gaga or Salmon Sperm with Denise Richards?

Dig deep into the latest (and trashiest!) pile of gossip.
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

Hello, and welcome to the Trash Report! I am Elinor Jones, AKA Mother Trash Panda, AKA a bag of flesh wrapped in athleisure and covered in blankets. I told myself I was not going to buy any new clothes this year—just trades or vintage—but it’s only February and I did not factor in quite so […]

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THE TRASH REPORT: Flares, Margs, and a Thesis Proposal! Am I in College Again?

Time to pick up the trash—your weekly pile of gossip trash, that is.
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

Hello Trash Pandas and welcome back to the Trash Report. I’m Elinor Jones, and I’ve missed you so much! I didn’t write a column last week because I was on “vacation” at freakin’ Disneyland, because a thing about having kids when the world is on fire is that you feel bad about how fucked up […]

Posted inLove/Sex 2025 ❤️🍆🍑

THE TRASH REPORT: All’s Fair In Love and Trash

Ready to believe in love? Then don’t read this compendium of recent celebrity breakups!
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

[Read all of the articles in our Love/Sex issue HERE! Looking for a print copy? Look at this handy-dandy map!—eds.] What’s happening, hot stuffs? Welcome to this very special Trash Report for our LOVE/SEX issue. Some may say that love is a many-splendored thing. Others may say: love is a bitch. If you’re down and out […]

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THE TRASH REPORT: Black History Month, Pac-Man, and Anna Wintour’s Lunch

Put on your hazmat suit and let’s dig into this week’s pile of garbage-y gossip!
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

Hi Trash Pandas! Welcome back to the Trash Report. Or just regular welcome if this is your first time reading. I’m Portland’s best kept secret, Elinor Jones. Can you believe January is over? I can hardly believe it myself. Things have been so shitty lately, I almost feel like it’s a trick. Like we’re destined […]

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