The Trash Report

Hello sweet angel baby Trash Pandas, and welcome back to the Trash Report! It’s me, Portland’s Best Kept Secret™, Elinor Jones. Remember in Jerry Maguire when Tom Cruise said Cuba Gooding Jr. was the NFL’s best-kept secret, and then Roy Tidwell got a contract for millions of dollars and Regina King was so happy? That’s gonna […]

Getting the Goonies back together, Emma Stone’s popcorn pockets, and the “Star-Spangled Banner” is a trash song if I’ve ever heard one!

Hello, and welcome to the Trash Report! I am Elinor Jones and I desperately miss the hour we just lost. It was the hour that was going to fix everything, I just know it. This week is going to be super rainy and I’m glad, because every year I think I’m going to learn how […]

Hi Trash Pandas! Welcome back to the Trash Report. I’m Elinor Jones, and I missed you! I am so happy it’s freaking MARCH and even though it still feels wintry outside, and is in fact still winter, last week was a gorgeous sneak peek of spring and I can’t wait. Times are dark metaphorically; we […]

Hello, and welcome to the Trash Report! I am Elinor Jones, AKA Mother Trash Panda, AKA a bag of flesh wrapped in athleisure and covered in blankets. I told myself I was not going to buy any new clothes this year—just trades or vintage—but it’s only February and I did not factor in quite so […]

Hello Trash Pandas and welcome back to the Trash Report. I’m Elinor Jones, and I’ve missed you so much! I didn’t write a column last week because I was on “vacation” at freakin’ Disneyland, because a thing about having kids when the world is on fire is that you feel bad about how fucked up […]

Hi everybody, and welcome to another roundup of news and gossip and, most importantly, TRASH. Have you checked the weather forecast lately? Trash shows no sign of letting up for the foreseeable future. In fact if I wrote a song about the trash forecast, it would be called “Lightning Trashes.” If I were to be […]

Hi everyone! Welcome back to the Trash Report. I’m your girl, Elinor Jones. Now usually I like to start my column with a little check-in about how I’m feeling, so I’m sure you can understand me this week when I say: “not well, bitch.” Things are bleak, y’all. In my household, Dry January has morphed […]

Happy New Year, Trash Pandas! It’s me, Elinor Jones, here with the latest in gossip, nonsense, tomfoolery, and whatever else I’ve scrolled past that made rub my hands together and say “I could make a joke about that!” Not to be a downer, but I predict 2025 will be one of our worst years yet; […]