The Trash Report

Hi everybody, and welcome to the Trash Report! This is an extra special column. because it’s for the upcoming FOOD EDITION of the Mercury. Hey, it turns out there isn’t enough gossip about food to fill up a whole column, so I’m doing the things that celebrities do when they go to the Met Gala, […]

Hello, and welcome to another Trash Report! I am Elinor Jones. Wow, I just saw that this Nikon photography account on Instagram got a pic of all of us in a tree together (I’m the one whispering): Imagine that’s still us and I am reading you all of the following:  Dumpster Nation President Trump had […]

Hello, beautifuls! It’s me, Elinor Jones, back with another Trash Report for your eyes and your hearts. Did you know that the latest PRINT ISSUE of the Mercury is out now, which is a GUIDE TO FUN?! There’s a bonus Trash Report in there. And then Mercury editor-in-chief Wm. Steven Humphrey asked if I had […]

Hello friends, and welcome to The Trash Report! This is a space for talking about what’s happening in the world. The Mercury is publishing a “Portland Guide to FUN” issue this coming week, and I have been asked to play along, even though much of the news right now is very—how you say—not fun. I’d […]

Hi everybody! I’m Elinor Jones. Welcome back to the Trash Report. I almost feel bad giving you a reason to look at screen-based content when it is SO GODDAMN BEAUTIFUL OUTSIDE. I could never live in one of those year-round summer hellholes; we need the darkness to appreciate all this light. Do I mind that […]

Hi there! Welcome back to the Trash Report. I am mother trash panda, Elinor Jones. I hope you have been having a pleasant April spent refreshing your retirement account, wondering what was even the point of saving in your 20s for a future that may not happen when you could have just spent more money […]

Hello, and welcome to the Trash Report! I’m Elinor Jones, writing to you from the highly niche, but real mood described as “this season of White Lotus is ending pretty soon and then I won’t know what to talk to people about.” I hope you’re more normal than I am! The news has been so […]

Hello sweet angel baby Trash Pandas, and welcome back to the Trash Report! It’s me, Portland’s Best Kept Secret™, Elinor Jones. Remember in Jerry Maguire when Tom Cruise said Cuba Gooding Jr. was the NFL’s best-kept secret, and then Roy Tidwell got a contract for millions of dollars and Regina King was so happy? That’s gonna […]

Getting the Goonies back together, Emma Stone’s popcorn pockets, and the “Star-Spangled Banner” is a trash song if I’ve ever heard one!

Hello, and welcome to the Trash Report! I am Elinor Jones and I desperately miss the hour we just lost. It was the hour that was going to fix everything, I just know it. This week is going to be super rainy and I’m glad, because every year I think I’m going to learn how […]

Hi Trash Pandas! Welcome back to the Trash Report. I’m Elinor Jones, and I missed you! I am so happy it’s freaking MARCH and even though it still feels wintry outside, and is in fact still winter, last week was a gorgeous sneak peek of spring and I can’t wait. Times are dark metaphorically; we […]

Hello, and welcome to the Trash Report! I am Elinor Jones, AKA Mother Trash Panda, AKA a bag of flesh wrapped in athleisure and covered in blankets. I told myself I was not going to buy any new clothes this year—just trades or vintage—but it’s only February and I did not factor in quite so […]