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The Trash Report
Posted inThe Trash Report

THE TRASH REPORT: New Relationships, Old Politicians, and Me (Currently trapped in an airport in god-knows-where)

The hottest gossip from all corners of the known universe.
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

Hi, and welcome to the Trash Report! I’m Elinor Jones. This is going to be a lot of commentary on a LOT of nonsense, and thanks to Ralph Nader, I can tell you to buckle up, and you’ll be able to (albeit metaphorically with this column, although you could also do so literally while driving […]

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THE TRASH REPORT: Kings are Bad, but (Stolen) Tiaras are Good!

Line up for this week’s hot soup of creamed gossip.
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

Hi! Welcome to the Trash Report. I’m Elinor Jones, doing my damnedest to write and think about anything besides this season of Love is Blind, which sucked so bad. I have very little time to watch television, so when something I consistently make time for lets me down, I feel personally attacked and wonder why […]

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THE TRASH REPORT: Ben Affleck, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, and ICE Have Said Enough

Plus! Are Charli XCX and Lorde scheming against Taylor Swift? 👀
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

Hi! Welcome back to the Trash Report, your latest spin on news and gossip and whatever other stories were optimized to land in one of my feeds in a way that compelled me to say “hmm, I bet I could write something funny about that.” Isn’t it interesting that the stories that work best for […]

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The Trash Report: Portland is Not Hell, Celebrity Bride Wars that Weren’t, and Canadian Excellence

Read all the latest gossip from your local hell-hole and beyond!
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

What’s up, Trash Pandas! Welcome back to the Trash Report. I’m your girl Elinor Jones, currently not bunkered in our not-hellish city. I recently got my quarterly botox injections and it’s unfortunate timing because I’m not supposed to frown until all the botulism settles around my brow, but there is so much to frown about! […]

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THE TRASH REPORT: Twilight, Bald Guys, and Gossip are Definitely Art

A particularly artsy roundup of the week’s hottest (and trashiest) gossip!
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

Hello, Trash Pandas! I’m Elinor Jones. Welcome to this very special Trash Report for our extremely special Fall Arts Guide. Did you know that gossipping about celebrities and current events counts as “art?” It’s true! As such, this is basically art school. Congratulations on following your dreams. I’m your professor, Bob Ross, and we’re about […]

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THE TRASH REPORT: White House Trash Dump, State News, New Couples, and Leaning Into AI (Not)

Line up for the week’s hottest pile of garbage-y gossip!
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

Hello Trash Pandas, and welcome to the Trash Report! I hope you are living and thriving, which are two words that should rhyme, but don’t. Let’s start pronouncing “thriving” like “living” and say it means both? Does that count as a portmanteau if it’s just changing the pronunciation? Also, don’t you guys think that when […]

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THE TRASH REPORT: Fascists are Babies, Celebrities are Silly, Rich People are Horrible

Let’s dig into this week’s trash can of delicious gossip.
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

Helloooooooo Trash Pandas! Welcome back to the Trash Report. I’m your girl Elinor Jones, fresh off a weeks-long mental health break “sabbatical.” This summer has been fun, but it’s been busy and I was fresh out of jokes to make and fucks to give, so I needed to rest. I’ve also been oddly tuned out […]

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THE TRASH REPORT: This Just In… Paris Isn’t Just a Wealthy Former Reality Star and DJ

Let’s go, Trash Pandas! It’s time to root around in this week’s hottest gossip.
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

[EDITOR’S NOTE: America’s favorite gossip columnist, Elinor Jones, is taking a well-deserved vacation and will return soon with the latest in shit-talking celebrity shenanigans. Until then, please enjoy this classic edition of The Trash Report from December 4, 2023.] Hello, Trash Pandas! I’m Elinor Jones, and this is…THE TRASH REPORT. Did anything cool happen to you […]

Posted inMercury 25th Anniversary Issue

THE TRASH REPORT: 25 Years of Straight-Up TRASH

Hop in the trash can time machine to revisit the past quarter-century of garbage-y gossip.
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

[Find the Mercury‘s 25th Anniversary Issue (in print) near you by using this handy-dandy map, and read all of our anniversary stories here.—eds.] Hello, and thank you for coming to our very special 25th birthday Trash Report! I’m Elinor Jones. Normally I’d write about some current news and gossip, but since this issue will cover […]

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THE TRASH REPORT: Airplanes, Aquaman, and a Body-Positive Plan for Pollution Reduction

Dive into this week’s delicious dumpster of drama.
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

Hi, Trash Pandas, and welcome back to the Trash Report! I’m Elinor Jones. Now, some may worry that when I cover a Good Morning, News during the week that I’ll have burned through my battery and wouldn’t have any juice left for you all. Great news: I save all the best juice for you all. […]

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THE TRASH REPORT: Kiss Cams at the Coldplay Show, and Other Chaotic Choices

Get ready for your weekly dose of trash!
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

Hello, and welcome back to the Trash Report! I am Elinor Jones, and I am so glad you are here. I, for one, am living for today’s cool weather because I recently got a horrific sunburn and need to be 150% clothed for the foreseeable future (we call this “the full Sister Act, plus one-half”). […]

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THE TRASH REPORT: Alligator Alcatraz Was a Good Idea for a Dumb Movie (But a Bad Idea for Reality), and Other Truths

Calling all trash pandas: Here’s your weekly helping of garbage-y gossip!
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

Helloooo sweet angel Trash Pandas! It’s me, Elinor Jones, back after an achingly long absence with your extremely overdue Trash Report. Last week I was on vacation in Alaska and it was so pretty! I saw whales. They were splashy. I had limited cell reception for a good part of my trip and I felt […]

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