The Trash Report

Hi, Trash Pandas! Welcome back to The Trash Report, or if it’s your first time reading, classic welcome. I’m Elinor Jones. Recently I applied to appear on Pop Culture Jeopardy. I don’t know if I’ll get famous writing, but by god, my encyclopedic knowledge of pop song lyrics and The O.C. surely will. Wish me […]

Hi Trash Pandas! Welcome back to the Trash Report. I’m Portland’s best kept secret, Elinor Jones. We’re at the point in summer when it’s been hot enough for long enough that this weekend I thought about chopping off my hair, to which my male partner said “hmm yeah I could see that,” and thank GOD […]

Hello, and Welcome back to The Trash Report! I’m Elinor Jones. Wow, it’s gonna be August this week, how bananapants is that? Please hold space in your heart for people who live with Leos during this time; we are very tired and poor from putting everything we’ve got into their birthday celebrations. Hey, not to […]

Hiiiiiii! Welcome to another Trash Report. I’m Elinor Jones. This weekend I was camping at a place with no cell service. What’d I miss? Ha ha, jk. Remember that part in Home Alone when the one Wet Bandit gets into the basement and tries to turn on a light and pulls the lamp string and […]

Hi, Trash Pandas! Welcome to The Trash Report, your Portland home for news, gossip, and flailing. I’m not so much Elinor Jones as the stunned husk of a woman who yearns for precedented times. Crazy weekend, huh? You know shit’s bleak when I walk away from the internet and start cleaning. Let’s just say that […]

Trash Pandas! My babies! How are you? Welcome back to The Trash Report. It’s really fucking hot outside; I hope you’ve had access to air conditioned spaces and/or tons of frosty margaritas. We all know what heat can do to garbage, so let’s get to the trash before it gets too smelly for even the […]

Hello, party people! Welcome back to The Trash Report. Happy July! Pride month may be over, but it’s not too late to read our gorgeously queer issue if you haven’t already. I don’t know about you all, but my June was absolutely NUTS, capped off with a trip to New York where I saw a […]

Hi, everyone! Welcome back to The Trash Report. I’m Elinor Jones! I’m going on vacation next week, but writing this first because the only thing I’ll put off harder than writing is packing to go somewhere. This is great for you, but bad for me in three days when I’m dressed head to toe in […]

Hi, everybody! Welcome back to The Trash Report. If this column seems extra dumb, it’s because I used up all of my good jokes on my Very Special Trash Report for our Queer Issue, online here AND in print for free all over town! One of my favorite things in the universe is spying on people […]

Hello, baby angel Trash Pandas, and welcome to The Trash Report! I’m your girl, Elinor Jones. I am really glad that June is Pride Month because if the month was up for grabs, I could be tempted to be one of those people who try to celebrate “birthday month;” since I know I cannot compete […]

Hi, Trash Pandas, and welcome back to The Trash Report! I didn’t make a column last week because Monday was Memorial Day and Uncle Sam said I had to honor the fallen by shopping internet sales and cooking outside? For whatever reason? But I missed you! And now that we are on the other side […]

Hellooooo! Welcome back to The Trash Report. I’m the Flonase-filled body balloon formerly known as Elinor Jones. Did you all know that climate change is making our seasonal allergies worse? This is extremely unfair! I feel like there should be some sort of silver lining to the planet’s rapid descent into uninhabitability. Like okay, what […]