The Trash Report

Hiiiiiii! Welcome to another Trash Report. I’m Elinor Jones. This weekend I was camping at a place with no cell service. What’d I miss? Ha ha, jk. Remember that part in Home Alone when the one Wet Bandit gets into the basement and tries to turn on a light and pulls the lamp string and […]

Hi, Trash Pandas! Welcome to The Trash Report, your Portland home for news, gossip, and flailing. I’m not so much Elinor Jones as the stunned husk of a woman who yearns for precedented times. Crazy weekend, huh? You know shit’s bleak when I walk away from the internet and start cleaning. Let’s just say that […]

Trash Pandas! My babies! How are you? Welcome back to The Trash Report. It’s really fucking hot outside; I hope you’ve had access to air conditioned spaces and/or tons of frosty margaritas. We all know what heat can do to garbage, so let’s get to the trash before it gets too smelly for even the […]

Hello, party people! Welcome back to The Trash Report. Happy July! Pride month may be over, but it’s not too late to read our gorgeously queer issue if you haven’t already. I don’t know about you all, but my June was absolutely NUTS, capped off with a trip to New York where I saw a […]

Hi, everyone! Welcome back to The Trash Report. I’m Elinor Jones! I’m going on vacation next week, but writing this first because the only thing I’ll put off harder than writing is packing to go somewhere. This is great for you, but bad for me in three days when I’m dressed head to toe in […]

Hi, everybody! Welcome back to The Trash Report. If this column seems extra dumb, it’s because I used up all of my good jokes on my Very Special Trash Report for our Queer Issue, online here AND in print for free all over town! One of my favorite things in the universe is spying on people […]

Hello, baby angel Trash Pandas, and welcome to The Trash Report! I’m your girl, Elinor Jones. I am really glad that June is Pride Month because if the month was up for grabs, I could be tempted to be one of those people who try to celebrate “birthday month;” since I know I cannot compete […]

Hi, Trash Pandas, and welcome back to The Trash Report! I didn’t make a column last week because Monday was Memorial Day and Uncle Sam said I had to honor the fallen by shopping internet sales and cooking outside? For whatever reason? But I missed you! And now that we are on the other side […]

Hellooooo! Welcome back to The Trash Report. I’m the Flonase-filled body balloon formerly known as Elinor Jones. Did you all know that climate change is making our seasonal allergies worse? This is extremely unfair! I feel like there should be some sort of silver lining to the planet’s rapid descent into uninhabitability. Like okay, what […]

Hi! Welcome back to the Trash Report. I’m Elinor Jones. I recently had drinks with several former Mercury writers and was asked if I was embarrassed by anything I’ve written in my ~13 (😮) years at this rag. I answered honestly that I can barely bring myself to link back to things I wrote last […]

Hello, and welcome back to The Trash Report! I’m Elinor Jones, feeling much better now than I felt last week. I think the universe knew I was blue—probably because I loudly broadcast it?—and I have since been complimented for my humor and the effectiveness of my skincare routine (sunblock and botox, babies!) and so the […]

Hello, Trash Pandas, and welcome to another edition of The Trash Report. I’ve had some serious blues lately and I’m not totally sure why. The likely culprits are: 1) it felt like spring for a second and I opened up my light receptors, but then the weather turned grey again so I absorbed melancholy, or […]