The Trash Report

Hi! Welcome back to the Trash Report. I’m Elinor Jones. I recently had drinks with several former Mercury writers and was asked if I was embarrassed by anything I’ve written in my ~13 (😮) years at this rag. I answered honestly that I can barely bring myself to link back to things I wrote last […]

Hello, and welcome back to The Trash Report! I’m Elinor Jones, feeling much better now than I felt last week. I think the universe knew I was blue—probably because I loudly broadcast it?—and I have since been complimented for my humor and the effectiveness of my skincare routine (sunblock and botox, babies!) and so the […]

Hello, Trash Pandas, and welcome to another edition of The Trash Report. I’ve had some serious blues lately and I’m not totally sure why. The likely culprits are: 1) it felt like spring for a second and I opened up my light receptors, but then the weather turned grey again so I absorbed melancholy, or […]

Welcome back to the Trash Report! I am mother Trash Panda, Elinor Jones, coming to you live from this metaphorical dumpster we know literally as “the news.” Wow, what a week! I’ve got a lot to say. If you’re reading this at work, don’t forget to occasionally wiggle your mouse so your little icon appears […]

Gear up, Trash Pandas! It’s me, Elinor Jones, welcoming you to this column: The Trash Report. It’s Tax Day today, which is probably a fun day for the mega rich to feel smug about how much they’ve evaded sharing this year. Me, I’m feeling bummed that all the money that is withheld from my paycheck […]

Hi Trash Pandas! Welcome to another edition of THE TRASH REPORT. It’s your girl, Elinor Jones. I am writing this beginning part after writing the rest of the article. Nothing came to me to kick us off. I thought a couple of margs would help. They did not, plus now I’m tired. Here’s some stuff: […]

Hellooooo, Trash Pandas, and welcome back to the Trash Report. I’ve missed you terribly! I didn’t write my column last week because I was on a Spring Break trip with my family. Today my heart is with the teachers who are dealing with kids who 1) haven’t been in school in nine days; 2) might […]

Hello, and welcome back to The Trash Report! I’m Elinor Jones, writing this on a Sunday afternoon with a margarita in my hand and no fucks to give. Will the column be worse than usual? I don’t know that, but I do know that I was absolutely blotto on Vitamin D while I wrote it. […]

Hello, Trash Pandas, and welcome to The Trash Report! I’m Elinor Jones, Portland’s best kept secret and your best friend. Happy day-after-the-Oscars to all who celebrate! I have a lot to say about movies today, starting with this: On Saturday I took my kid to see Kung Fu Panda 4 and the movie was so […]

What’s happening, Trash Pandas? Welcome to The Trash Report. My name is Elinor Jones. Hey, don’t you think it’s bullshit that leap year is also the presidential election year? These years feel too long already! Petition to move it to an odd-numbered year where we might feel lightened by an extra day rather than stomped […]

Good morning, Trash Pandas! I’ve missed you. Welcome to The Trash Report, where I will guide you through some things that happened recently in the news, peppering in my own colorful commentary. Will you chuckle? Guffaw? A slight smirk, perhaps? I sure hope so! If I can’t be funny I’ll have to start being pretty, […]

What’s happening, hot stuffs? Welcome to The Trash Report: President’s Day Edition! Today we’ll be asking the hottest question: WWGWD? Yes, Trash Pandas, that’s What Would George Washington do? Warning: the Founding Fathers were problematic to say the least, so he will be a bad judge. Today is one of those holidays that some employers […]