The Trash Report

Welcome back to the Trash Report! I am mother Trash Panda, Elinor Jones, coming to you live from this metaphorical dumpster we know literally as “the news.” Wow, what a week! I’ve got a lot to say. If you’re reading this at work, don’t forget to occasionally wiggle your mouse so your little icon appears […]

Gear up, Trash Pandas! It’s me, Elinor Jones, welcoming you to this column: The Trash Report. It’s Tax Day today, which is probably a fun day for the mega rich to feel smug about how much they’ve evaded sharing this year. Me, I’m feeling bummed that all the money that is withheld from my paycheck […]

Hi Trash Pandas! Welcome to another edition of THE TRASH REPORT. It’s your girl, Elinor Jones. I am writing this beginning part after writing the rest of the article. Nothing came to me to kick us off. I thought a couple of margs would help. They did not, plus now I’m tired. Here’s some stuff: […]

Hellooooo, Trash Pandas, and welcome back to the Trash Report. I’ve missed you terribly! I didn’t write my column last week because I was on a Spring Break trip with my family. Today my heart is with the teachers who are dealing with kids who 1) haven’t been in school in nine days; 2) might […]

Hello, and welcome back to The Trash Report! I’m Elinor Jones, writing this on a Sunday afternoon with a margarita in my hand and no fucks to give. Will the column be worse than usual? I don’t know that, but I do know that I was absolutely blotto on Vitamin D while I wrote it. […]

Hello, Trash Pandas, and welcome to The Trash Report! I’m Elinor Jones, Portland’s best kept secret and your best friend. Happy day-after-the-Oscars to all who celebrate! I have a lot to say about movies today, starting with this: On Saturday I took my kid to see Kung Fu Panda 4 and the movie was so […]

What’s happening, Trash Pandas? Welcome to The Trash Report. My name is Elinor Jones. Hey, don’t you think it’s bullshit that leap year is also the presidential election year? These years feel too long already! Petition to move it to an odd-numbered year where we might feel lightened by an extra day rather than stomped […]

Good morning, Trash Pandas! I’ve missed you. Welcome to The Trash Report, where I will guide you through some things that happened recently in the news, peppering in my own colorful commentary. Will you chuckle? Guffaw? A slight smirk, perhaps? I sure hope so! If I can’t be funny I’ll have to start being pretty, […]

What’s happening, hot stuffs? Welcome to The Trash Report: President’s Day Edition! Today we’ll be asking the hottest question: WWGWD? Yes, Trash Pandas, that’s What Would George Washington do? Warning: the Founding Fathers were problematic to say the least, so he will be a bad judge. Today is one of those holidays that some employers […]

Hello, everyone! Happy Super Bowl hangover day to whomever celebrates; I don’t, so I’m normal today, just dumb for the same ol’ reasons. Can you believe it’s almost Valentine’s Day? Or maybe it actually is Valentine’s Day, depending on when you read this! Personally, I like that candy has shattered the limitations placed on it […]

Hello, Trash Pandas! Another week is beginning, which means that another scoop of garbage and gossip (garsip?) shall be presented to you here in the Trash Report. Wow, January is finally over! Can you believe it? And we even got our first taste of fake Spring— I spent several hours outside yesterday and my cheeks […]

Hello, and welcome to the Trash Report! I’m Elinor Jones and I will be serving as your guide to some random crap I found online to momentarily distract you from actual news, which is very sad, but also very important—please go back to that after you read this! These few minutes that we have together […]