The Trash Report

How do you do, fellow Trash Pandas?  I am Elinor Jones, and this is…THE TRASH REPORT. Like many of you, I spent much of the past week iced into my home with my beloved family, anxiously refreshing the weather app on my phone to see when these people whom I love so dearly would get […]

Hello, darling Trash Pandas, and welcome to THE TRASH REPORT! I’m Elinor Jones, coming to you live from as much chapstick and leave-in conditioner as I can get my hands on, because my Oregonian ass cannot handle this cold dryness. The power was out at my house for about six hours on Saturday, serving as […]

Happy new year, darling baby Trash Pandas! Welcome to the first Trash Report of 2024. The changing of the year is always a great time on social media, when the worst people you’ve ever known profess exactly the wrong goals for the coming year. The meanest and messiest people are planning to rise above toxicity […]

To celebrate 2023 being over, let’s revisit some of my favorite bits of trash from this series of months that we have miraculously survived! January M&Ms just released a new package that only has the girl candies on it. This is confusing and enraging to a certain category of people whose beef with it seems […]

Listen up, sluts: it’s me, Elinor Jones, bringing you another Trash Report despite the fact that Al Gore’s internet is full of SALES, SALES, SALES, and all I want to do is SPENDDDDDD MONEYYYYYYY! Every time I fire up my laptop I accidentally do zero work but buy four sweaters; science can’t actually explain it; […]

Good morning, Trash Pandas! Welcome to another Trash Report. I’m Elinor Jones, still dazzled by yesterday’s matinee of the Portland Gay Men’s Chorus holiday show, “Make the Yuletide Gay.” I’m feeling all sorts of festive and honestly? I’m a little bummed that Twitter is an unusable incel circle jerk, because I used to like thinking […]

Hello, Trash Pandas! I’m Elinor Jones, and this is…THE TRASH REPORT. Did anything cool happen to you last week? Please do not hesitate to let me know! Until I can report on your newsworthy events or victories, I’ll have to write about the broader dumpster fire that is contemporary American life. I promise, I won’t […]

Good morning, sweet angels of garbage! Welcome to another round of silliness in this Trash Report. I’m the blob of leftover mashed potatoes formerly known as Elinor Jones. Thanksgiving is over and now it is Christmas for a month. Hey, why is it everyone is quick to make fun of people who celebrate “birthday month,” […]

What’s up, Trash Pilgrims, and Happy Thanksgiving week! I’m Elinor Jones, AKA Pie Slut #1. Now, today is technically Monday in that it’s the first day of the work week, but spiritually it’s Wednesday because there are only two more days left in the work week. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday in practice. but one […]

Hello, and welcome to another The Trash Report! I’m Elinor Jones, here to distract you from the horrors of the world with some news that’s less “aaaaaagggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” and more “ha ha.” That’s the goal, anyway. Did I succeed? Read on! (But if the answer is no, keep it to yourself.) Whose Schools? Our Schools! …Eventually, […]

Hello everyone, and welcome to another Trash Report, with me, Elinor Jones, the queen raccoon of garbage mountain. This column goes live at 10 am, which I know will feel like 11 am today, and you will be angry that I’m late when in fact you should be mad at the old-timey farmers who put […]

Hi, everyone! Another week, another crop of garbage to comb through in this here Trash Report. I’m Elinor Jones, making things awkward since… gosh, for a long time now! I’m what we’ll politely call “seasoned.” If you wonder why I’m not a better writer by now, believe me, that makes many of us! But I’ll […]