The Trash Report

Hello, everyone! Happy Super Bowl hangover day to whomever celebrates; I don’t, so I’m normal today, just dumb for the same ol’ reasons. Can you believe it’s almost Valentine’s Day? Or maybe it actually is Valentine’s Day, depending on when you read this! Personally, I like that candy has shattered the limitations placed on it […]

Hello, Trash Pandas! Another week is beginning, which means that another scoop of garbage and gossip (garsip?) shall be presented to you here in the Trash Report. Wow, January is finally over! Can you believe it? And we even got our first taste of fake Spring— I spent several hours outside yesterday and my cheeks […]

Hello, and welcome to the Trash Report! I’m Elinor Jones and I will be serving as your guide to some random crap I found online to momentarily distract you from actual news, which is very sad, but also very important—please go back to that after you read this! These few minutes that we have together […]

How do you do, fellow Trash Pandas?  I am Elinor Jones, and this is…THE TRASH REPORT. Like many of you, I spent much of the past week iced into my home with my beloved family, anxiously refreshing the weather app on my phone to see when these people whom I love so dearly would get […]

Hello, darling Trash Pandas, and welcome to THE TRASH REPORT! I’m Elinor Jones, coming to you live from as much chapstick and leave-in conditioner as I can get my hands on, because my Oregonian ass cannot handle this cold dryness. The power was out at my house for about six hours on Saturday, serving as […]

Happy new year, darling baby Trash Pandas! Welcome to the first Trash Report of 2024. The changing of the year is always a great time on social media, when the worst people you’ve ever known profess exactly the wrong goals for the coming year. The meanest and messiest people are planning to rise above toxicity […]

To celebrate 2023 being over, let’s revisit some of my favorite bits of trash from this series of months that we have miraculously survived! January M&Ms just released a new package that only has the girl candies on it. This is confusing and enraging to a certain category of people whose beef with it seems […]

Listen up, sluts: it’s me, Elinor Jones, bringing you another Trash Report despite the fact that Al Gore’s internet is full of SALES, SALES, SALES, and all I want to do is SPENDDDDDD MONEYYYYYYY! Every time I fire up my laptop I accidentally do zero work but buy four sweaters; science can’t actually explain it; […]

Good morning, Trash Pandas! Welcome to another Trash Report. I’m Elinor Jones, still dazzled by yesterday’s matinee of the Portland Gay Men’s Chorus holiday show, “Make the Yuletide Gay.” I’m feeling all sorts of festive and honestly? I’m a little bummed that Twitter is an unusable incel circle jerk, because I used to like thinking […]

Hello, Trash Pandas! I’m Elinor Jones, and this is…THE TRASH REPORT. Did anything cool happen to you last week? Please do not hesitate to let me know! Until I can report on your newsworthy events or victories, I’ll have to write about the broader dumpster fire that is contemporary American life. I promise, I won’t […]

Good morning, sweet angels of garbage! Welcome to another round of silliness in this Trash Report. I’m the blob of leftover mashed potatoes formerly known as Elinor Jones. Thanksgiving is over and now it is Christmas for a month. Hey, why is it everyone is quick to make fun of people who celebrate “birthday month,” […]

What’s up, Trash Pilgrims, and Happy Thanksgiving week! I’m Elinor Jones, AKA Pie Slut #1. Now, today is technically Monday in that it’s the first day of the work week, but spiritually it’s Wednesday because there are only two more days left in the work week. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday in practice. but one […]