Hi everyone, and welcome to another edition of The Trash Report. I’m your girl, Elinor Jones, constantly weirded out about how Elinor (or Eleanor) is such a popular name for little kids these days when I was a stone-cold freak for having a name like that in the ’90s. Now if you see me in […]
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THE TRASH REPORT: George Santos’ Stolen Baby, Jada Pinkett Whathisname, and Don’t Even Think About Texting Dolly Parton. And Taylor Swift, Obviously.
What’s up, besties? It’s me, Elinor Jones, here with your weekly dose of news and gossip and cute stories. I don’t know about you, but I have been very sad lately! Hopefully the next few minutes together can provide you the briefest respite from the beginning of the end. Let’s Trash Report this bitch. The […]
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THE TRASH REPORT: Bennifer Drama, Leonardo DiCaprio Over-Complicated Car Sitch, Pacey is Back on the Market, and Pugs Will Help You Through This
Get on your rubber gloves—it’s time to dig through the hottest, trashiest gossip of the week!
Good morning, Trash Pandas! This is Elinor Jones, welcoming you to another week of The Trash Report. I hope that you enjoyed this summery fall weekend in a way that was like “gosh, it’s so pleasant out!” and not “a gorgeous day such as this in October is certainly a sign of the end of […]
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THE TRASH REPORT: Shutdown Averted, Living and Dying Icons, and How Elinor Jones Learned About Sports
Line up, gossip lovers! It’s time to take out the trash!
Yoohoo! Welcome to the Trash Report. I’m Elinor Jones (AKA Mother Trash Panda) here with the latest of some stuff I found that I want to write about because nothing makes me happier than seeing (sensing) you happy. There’s a lot of nonsense out there, and I want to make fun of it! Get in, […]
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THE TRASH REPORT: Jets, Strikes, Heavy Metal Dads, and Chris Pine is Thriving
Let’s go, gossip lovers! It’s time for the filthiest trash of the week!
Hello, sweet Trash Pandas, and welcome to The Trash Report! I’m Elinor Jones, currently set to Cozy AF, where I intend to stay for the next six months. Not only was this the first official weekend of fall, but it also felt very fall-ish; I bought sweaters and baked cookies. Fall girlies can get a […]
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THE TRASH REPORT: Old Politicians, Young Pop Stars, #MeToo Aftershocks, and Solidarity Forever
It’s time to dig deep into this week’s filthy can of garbage-y gossip!
Hello, and welcome to The Trash Report! I am so happy to see you. “But Elinor,” you reply. “I am reading this on a device; you cannot see me!” Or can I? Perhaps I am in the corner of your living room, wrapped in your curtains, but with my little feet sticking out of the […]
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THE TRASH REPORT: Sports, Divorce, Hip-Hop, Bangs, and How I’m Just Like Emily Ratajkowski
Time to get elbow deep in this week’s roundup of garbage-y gossip!
How do you do, fellow kids? Welcome your weekly roundup of the juiciest in news and gossip in this here Trash Report, brought to you by me, Elinor Jones, taking a break from incessantly texting my friends about whether or not I should cut my bangs again to write this column; I hope you can […]
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THE TRASH REPORT: Mysteries Unearthed! Who’s Getting Divorced, Who’s Getting Old, and Who’s Farting at the Airport?
Clear your plate for a heapin’ helpin’ of the latest garbage-y gossip!
Hello there, sexy things. It’s another week, and thusly, another Trash Report. You may notice that this Trash Report is coming to you a day late, and that is because I am one of many workers who got to enjoy yesterday off in honor of Labor Day. Thank you, Unions, for your hard and disruptive […]
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THE TRASH REPORT: The Bad Men, the Bog Man, Scooter Braun, and Questionable Commuting Foods
Put on your hazmat suit—it’s time for this week’s stinkiest, trashiest gossip.
What’s happening, Trash Pandas? Welcome to another edition of THE TRASH REPORT. I am Elinor Jones, here to lovingly yell at you about some weird things happening in the news in an attempt to make them funny, thus brightening your day (with the humor) and my day (with the validation). What’s the point of living […]
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THE TRASH REPORT: In Which I Spiral Into Climate Depression Like a Tornado or a Tropical Depression. Also, Otters, Britney, and Rudy Giuliani!
Helllooooo, Trash Pandas! Welcome back to another edition of your favorite web-based news and humor column from an alternative weekly from a midsized American city, also known as: THE TRASH REPORT! I’m Elinor Jones, and I finally got my first sunburn of the summer this past weekend. I slid it in just under the wire, […]
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THE TRASH REPORT: Pudding Fingers in Iowa, Crocodiles Want to Eat Babies, and the Importance of Headline Writing in Web-based Media
Let’s go, trash pandas! It’s time to get elbow-deep in this week’s bin of hot gossip.
Hello, Trash Pandas! Welcome to another Trash Report. I’m your best friend, Elinor Jones, here to make little quips about all the latest in news and gossip and hopefully make you smile a little bit during another grim week of reality. If you aren’t in the mood to smile, I get it—all you have to […]
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The Trash Report: The OC Turns 20, Pence is Getting Nasty (uh oh!), Reality Stars are Unionizing, and Guess Where Whoopi Goldberg Doesn’t Want to Have Sex?
Hello, angel baby Trash Pandas! ‘Tis I, Elinor Jones, here with the freshest news and gossip in this here Trash Report. Usually this is the hottest month of the year but it’s been unseasonably pleasant outside, meaning the dumpsters aren’t quite as rank and steamy as one would expect. Don’t worry: I’ve still found some […]