The Trash Report

Hello, my beloved Trash Pandas! The weekend was warm, and you know what that means: the dumpsters are rank as hell, and the garbage of the day is going to infiltrate your nostrils and stay there for a while. And of course, by “garbage of the day,” I mean this column, and by “your nostrils” […]

Hellooooo, Trash Pandas! I’m so glad to see you. “But Elinor,” you say, “you can’t see me. You are in my internet.” Oh, am I? Do you know for a fact I’m not outside your window right now, gleefully watching you read? I didn’t think so! I’m a Trash Panda, too, and creepin’ around outside […]

New trash, who dis? JK, I know who you are. You’re innocent trash panda angels, and I’m Elinor Jones, your best friend and guide through the maze of current events, gossip, and whatever else I feel like writing about. I run a… what’s the opposite of a tight ship? A loose airplane? Whatever. Let’s go! […]

Hello, my perfect angel trash pandas! It’s me, Elinor Jones, reporting live from the dumpster with this here latest Trash Report. I hope you’ve got your trash compactors set to their most extreme setting, because we’ve got a lot to talk about! Real Estate, She Wrote In yet another example of why I need to […]

Listen up, Trash Pandas: A lot of shit went down last week, and I don’t want to waste everyone’s time with this introductory paragraph. Suffice it to say, I’m Elinor Jones, and this is THE TRASH REPORT. These Fuckin’ Guys Webster’s Dictionary defines “indictment” as “a formal written statement framed by a prosecuting authority and […]

Hello, Trash Pandas! This week is Spring Break for Portland public schools, so don’t be surprised if children on the brink of going feral start clogging up your favorite outdoor space in the middle of a weekday. Give their frazzled caretakers some grace and a wink—and maybe a puff of your j if you’ve got […]

Hidley ho, Trash Pandas! Welcome to The Trash Report. I’m your best friend, Elinor Jones, here with the latest in gossip, news, nonsense… kinda whatever, this column can really go off the rails sometimes. Whatever it is, it will be words. Let’s go! Trash Pandas>Raccoon Dogs Speaking of trash pandas, more information is coming out […]

Hello, and welcome to the Trash Report! I’m your best friend, Elinor Jones, also known as “Portland’s Best Kept Secret.” (Trying this out—it worked for Rod Tidwell in Jerry Maguire, maybe it will also help me to land an enhanced NFL contract?) I hope you’re having a great day so far, and I hope to […]

How do you do, fellow Trash Pandas? I’m really happy that we’re on the other side of the -ember and -uary months, which means it’s almost Spring, which means it’s almost Summer, and my birthday. There’s plenty of time to shop, is what I’m saying. I’m your best raccoon friend Elinor Jones and the following […]

Brrrbrrr br brr brrrrr brrrrr! Oops, sorry, let me try that again: Welcome to the Trash Report! I’m Elinor Jones, taking a break from trying to convince my pug that she can walk on ice to write some jokes about current events for you, my sweet trash pandas. Let’s go! Weather is Trash I’m writing […]

Hello, Trash Pandas, and happy President’s Day! One might think that President’s Day is kind of a trash holiday, so in fitting with this column, I’ve done a little research about it for you (skip this part if you don’t care about history): President’s Day is officially called Washington’s Birthday, in honor of George Washington, […]

How do you do, fellow Trash Pandas? It’s your old pal Elinor Jones here with the latest in news and nonsense. Where to even start? Well, Valentine’s Day is tomorrow and if you haven’t planned anything yet, there is still time to submit a Mercury reader valentine! Nothing says romance like something free and last-minute. […]