The Trash Report

What light through yonder dumpster breaks? It is the East, and I, Elinor Jones, am the sun, and this is The Trash Report, and you are my Trash Pandas, and this is how it’s going to go: I’m going to write about some news and gossip that I read about in other places, and I’ll […]

Hello my little Trash Pandas, and welcome to The Trash Report! It’s your girl, Elinor Jones, coming to you live from a rainbow T-shirt I bought at Target, which is not an act of defiance (or even really allyship, because capitalism is inherently harmful to marginalized communities), but it is kinda cool that wearing said […]

Good morning, Trash Pandas, and welcome to another Trash Report! It’s me, Elinor Jones, ready to either hold your earrings or hold back your hair, depending on how the week goes. Let’s not waste another second! And I know I’m always joking about this column being stanky, but I’m putting an actual content warning on […]

Hello, my sweet baby Trash Pandas! If nobody has told you yet today, you are a darling goblin whose mere existence dramatically increases global average human sexiness by several points, and I cherish you. Welcome to my column, The Trash Report, where I will try (and probably fail) to deserve your time with the rottenest […]

Hello, and happy new week to all of you gorgeous Trash Pandas! It’s your girl, Elinor Jones, and you’re reading THE TRASH REPORT. I hope that you, like me, drank too much yesterday but didn’t wear enough sunscreen and are hungover and a little sunburned today. If you’re gonna Monday, at least do it with […]

Hellooooo, Trash Pandas! It’s me, your best friend Elinor Jones, coming at you with a steaming hot pile of gossip, news, and nonsense. I’m writing it while on every over-the-counter allergy medicine I could get my dexterous little paws on, so if the quality is worse than you’re used to, blame this lush and verdant […]

Hello, my beloved Trash Pandas! The weekend was warm, and you know what that means: the dumpsters are rank as hell, and the garbage of the day is going to infiltrate your nostrils and stay there for a while. And of course, by “garbage of the day,” I mean this column, and by “your nostrils” […]

Hellooooo, Trash Pandas! I’m so glad to see you. “But Elinor,” you say, “you can’t see me. You are in my internet.” Oh, am I? Do you know for a fact I’m not outside your window right now, gleefully watching you read? I didn’t think so! I’m a Trash Panda, too, and creepin’ around outside […]

New trash, who dis? JK, I know who you are. You’re innocent trash panda angels, and I’m Elinor Jones, your best friend and guide through the maze of current events, gossip, and whatever else I feel like writing about. I run a… what’s the opposite of a tight ship? A loose airplane? Whatever. Let’s go! […]

Hello, my perfect angel trash pandas! It’s me, Elinor Jones, reporting live from the dumpster with this here latest Trash Report. I hope you’ve got your trash compactors set to their most extreme setting, because we’ve got a lot to talk about! Real Estate, She Wrote In yet another example of why I need to […]

Listen up, Trash Pandas: A lot of shit went down last week, and I don’t want to waste everyone’s time with this introductory paragraph. Suffice it to say, I’m Elinor Jones, and this is THE TRASH REPORT. These Fuckin’ Guys Webster’s Dictionary defines “indictment” as “a formal written statement framed by a prosecuting authority and […]

Hello, Trash Pandas! This week is Spring Break for Portland public schools, so don’t be surprised if children on the brink of going feral start clogging up your favorite outdoor space in the middle of a weekday. Give their frazzled caretakers some grace and a wink—and maybe a puff of your j if you’ve got […]