Good morning, Trash Pandas, and welcome to another Trash Report! It’s me, Elinor Jones, ready to either hold your earrings or hold back your hair, depending on how the week goes. Let’s not waste another second! And I know I’m always joking about this column being stanky, but I’m putting an actual content warning on […]
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THE TRASH REPORT: In Honor of Short Kings. Plus: Ingenius Legal Defense Strategies, Bears in Portland, and Portland in Song
Let’s dig through a great big pile of trashy, gossipy garbage, shall we?
Hello, my sweet baby Trash Pandas! If nobody has told you yet today, you are a darling goblin whose mere existence dramatically increases global average human sexiness by several points, and I cherish you. Welcome to my column, The Trash Report, where I will try (and probably fail) to deserve your time with the rottenest […]
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THE TRASH REPORT: MTV News, the Proper Naming Conventions for Viral Animals, and Kelly Clarkson Remains an Angel
Put on those latex gloves… it’s time to dig through this week’s trashiest gossip!
Hello, and happy new week to all of you gorgeous Trash Pandas! It’s your girl, Elinor Jones, and you’re reading THE TRASH REPORT. I hope that you, like me, drank too much yesterday but didn’t wear enough sunscreen and are hungover and a little sunburned today. If you’re gonna Monday, at least do it with […]
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THE TRASH REPORT: King Colonizer’s Special Party, Fresh Racism and the Feuds They Inspire, and Drake’s Boring Mansion of Bad Judgment
Stock up on hand sanitzer—we got some hot, gossipy trash all ready for you!
Hellooooo, Trash Pandas! It’s me, your best friend Elinor Jones, coming at you with a steaming hot pile of gossip, news, and nonsense. I’m writing it while on every over-the-counter allergy medicine I could get my dexterous little paws on, so if the quality is worse than you’re used to, blame this lush and verdant […]
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THE TRASH REPORT: RIP to Original Trash King Jerry Springer, Brenda’s Gonna Brenda, and If I Have to Wonder about Tucker Carlson’s Affair Then You Do, Too
Let’s go, Trash Pandas—it’s time to dig through this week’s gossipy garbage.
Hello, my beloved Trash Pandas! The weekend was warm, and you know what that means: the dumpsters are rank as hell, and the garbage of the day is going to infiltrate your nostrils and stay there for a while. And of course, by “garbage of the day,” I mean this column, and by “your nostrils” […]
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THE TRASH REPORT: Twitter’s Demise, My Eventual Demise (by Falling Satellite), and Oprah Builds the Wall
The latest, hottest gossip and knock-knock jokes!
Hellooooo, Trash Pandas! I’m so glad to see you. “But Elinor,” you say, “you can’t see me. You are in my internet.” Oh, am I? Do you know for a fact I’m not outside your window right now, gleefully watching you read? I didn’t think so! I’m a Trash Panda, too, and creepin’ around outside […]
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THE TRASH REPORT: Money and Florida (Featuring T-Swift, Joe Biden, and Kendall Roy’s Condo)
New trash, who dis? JK, I know who you are. You’re innocent trash panda angels, and I’m Elinor Jones, your best friend and guide through the maze of current events, gossip, and whatever else I feel like writing about. I run a… what’s the opposite of a tight ship? A loose airplane? Whatever. Let’s go! […]
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THE TRASH REPORT: Angela Lansbury’s House, Diddy’s Bad Deal, and Unlawful Pruning
Hear ye, hear ye! Get yer latest hot, steamy gossip ‘n’ garbage!
Hello, my perfect angel trash pandas! It’s me, Elinor Jones, reporting live from the dumpster with this here latest Trash Report. I hope you’ve got your trash compactors set to their most extreme setting, because we’ve got a lot to talk about! Real Estate, She Wrote In yet another example of why I need to […]
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THE TRASH REPORT: On Dads, Forklifts, AI, and Why I Wanted to Stay in Canada
Let’s get elbow deep into this week’s trash bin of hot gossip!
Listen up, Trash Pandas: A lot of shit went down last week, and I don’t want to waste everyone’s time with this introductory paragraph. Suffice it to say, I’m Elinor Jones, and this is THE TRASH REPORT. These Fuckin’ Guys Webster’s Dictionary defines “indictment” as “a formal written statement framed by a prosecuting authority and […]
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Gwyneth Paltrow’s Defense, Chris Martin’s Misplaced Hero Worship, and Superheroes We Love (Wolverines) and Don’t Love (Shazam)
Let’s learn about Zachary Levi (and other rodents) in this week’s edition of THE TRASH REPORT!
Hello, Trash Pandas! This week is Spring Break for Portland public schools, so don’t be surprised if children on the brink of going feral start clogging up your favorite outdoor space in the middle of a weekday. Give their frazzled caretakers some grace and a wink—and maybe a puff of your j if you’ve got […]
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Tom Cruise and Ed Begley Jr. Are Relatable, We Owe Bats an Apology, and I, Elinor Jones, am now a Sports Journalist
If you don’t mind when things get “weird,” you’ll love this edition of THE TRASH REPORT!
Hidley ho, Trash Pandas! Welcome to The Trash Report. I’m your best friend, Elinor Jones, here with the latest in gossip, news, nonsense… kinda whatever, this column can really go off the rails sometimes. Whatever it is, it will be words. Let’s go! Trash Pandas>Raccoon Dogs Speaking of trash pandas, more information is coming out […]
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Smoking is Officially Not Cool Anymore, Hugh Grant Isn’t Cool Either, Thirst Traps are Still Cool, and Bird News You Can Bird Use
Let’s go, Trash Pandas! It’s time for the week’s hottest goss from THE TRASH REPORT.
Hello, and welcome to the Trash Report! I’m your best friend, Elinor Jones, also known as “Portland’s Best Kept Secret.” (Trying this out—it worked for Rod Tidwell in Jerry Maguire, maybe it will also help me to land an enhanced NFL contract?) I hope you’re having a great day so far, and I hope to […]