The Trash Report

What’s up, Trash Pandas! Tomorrow is election day. I’m freaking out! Vote! Make your friends vote! Follow this guide! AHAHAHAHHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRGGGGGGGHHHH. Phew. Sorry. The rest of this column will be written with the assumption that everything is going to be okay.  “Lollllllll no one likes you” The great tweet “Lollllll no one likes you” was sent […]

Helloooooooo, trash pandas! It’s me, Elinor Jones, coming at you from the bottom of the dumpster. Happy Halloween! My costume this year is “woman who isn’t losing it.” Is it working? Let’s see! I’ve worked extra hard on this week’s column because things out there are bleak and I need it as much as you […]

Hello Trash Pandas, and welcome back to another batch of trash from me, your friend Elinor Jones. Man, is anyone else just loving being able to breathe outside again?! What a treat! I’m very like, ahhhhhhh, taking big ol’ gulps like it’s almost closing time at the oxygen buffet. Like I’m going to have to […]

Hello, my sweet trash pandas! Another week is behind us, lost to the dusty chasm of time. Alas, another week is on the horizon, ripe with possibility! Will you live your best life yet? I hope so! For me, though, I’m going to focus back on that dusty chasm of time thing I was talking […]

Hello my Trash Pandas, and welcome to THE TRASH REPORT! It’s me, Elinor Jones, and I’ve been having a real good time readin’ the news and likin’ the tweets and I’m happy to make some space in the dumpster for all of you. This week’s theme is: the internet. Dank Brandon Makes Moves Big Daddy […]

Rise up, trash pandas, it’s time to get grimy! It’s me, Elinor Jones, with some thoughtfully curated garbage to get you through your Monday, or whatever day/galactic juncture it is when you’re reading this. To get in the right headspace, please watch this video, and pretend you’re the kid, and I’m the dad: thinking about […]

Hello, “TRASH PANDAS!” If you missed it, last week I ran a poll on what to call you lot and my people have spoken: Thank you for participating, and if you don’t like being a “Trash Panda,” maybe next time don’t write in Jill Stein or whatever. Welcome to the first week of FALL where […]

Hi everyone, and welcome to The Trash Report! So, a couple of weeks back I asked for suggestions on what to call readers of this here column, and I got some *chef’s kiss* suggestions. They include: Trash Pandas, Trash Bandits, Trashists, Dumpster Divers, and Garbage Pail Kids. I love all of my children equally and […]

Hey everyone! Welcome to The Trash Report! It’s been a busy week of me plundering the depths of the internet to harvest and redistribute her riches. Hey, speaking of plundering: Queen of English Died Queen Elizabeth II died last week at 96 years old, and everyone on Twitter is all “hear ye, hear ye” about […]

Ding dong, ya ding dongs! It’s me, Elinor Jones, here with a compilation of a bunch of crap I found on the internet and presented as this, The Trash Report. Hey, help me workshop a name for all of you who like to read this column. I was gonna be like, “hey trashfaces!” but that […]

Hiyeee! Welcome to another week with me, Elinor Jones, and this content known as The Trash Report, which is so-named because it’s just a bunch of crap that fell off the back of the internet truck, gathered by my dexterous little raccoon hands, and compiled into something that might take your mind off something else […]

Hello, and welcome to another edition of The Trash Report! ‘Tis I, Elinor Jones, here to tell you that some are born trash, some achieve trash, and others have trash injected straight into their eyeholes—which is my job today. Yeah, I can quote Shakespeare. I can also make my armpits fart. Your friend Elinor contains […]