The Trash Report

Happy Monday, Trash Pandas! I hope you all enjoyed your weekend. (Did you know I usually write this column on Fridays to be published on Mondays so when I write things like “happy Monday” in a way I’m kind of predicting the future? Trippy!) Welcome to The Trash Report. I’m Elinor Jones, and there’s a […]

Hello Trash Pandas, and welcome to another round of steaming hot goss in this here Trash Report. I’m writing it as my child is blasting Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You,” making me really question both why I let her use my phone, why I taught her how to use Spotify, and […]

Hello, sweet baby Trash Panda angels! It’s me, Elinor Jones, and this is my column, The Trash Report, which I’ve written from the inside of a gigantic mound of blankets. My hands are wearing several pairs of gloves so typing has taken a very long time. I hope it’s worth it! I think it will […]

Hello, Trash Pandas! Welcome back to the Trash Report. It’s me, Elinor Jones, who some have said is just three raccoons in a trench coat, but if that were true, could I do this: *opens a jar using my opposable digits.* I’ve done my best to find garbage for you that will be fun to […]

What’s up, Trash Pandas! Tomorrow is election day. I’m freaking out! Vote! Make your friends vote! Follow this guide! AHAHAHAHHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRGGGGGGGHHHH. Phew. Sorry. The rest of this column will be written with the assumption that everything is going to be okay.  “Lollllllll no one likes you” The great tweet “Lollllll no one likes you” was sent […]

Helloooooooo, trash pandas! It’s me, Elinor Jones, coming at you from the bottom of the dumpster. Happy Halloween! My costume this year is “woman who isn’t losing it.” Is it working? Let’s see! I’ve worked extra hard on this week’s column because things out there are bleak and I need it as much as you […]

Hello Trash Pandas, and welcome back to another batch of trash from me, your friend Elinor Jones. Man, is anyone else just loving being able to breathe outside again?! What a treat! I’m very like, ahhhhhhh, taking big ol’ gulps like it’s almost closing time at the oxygen buffet. Like I’m going to have to […]

Hello, my sweet trash pandas! Another week is behind us, lost to the dusty chasm of time. Alas, another week is on the horizon, ripe with possibility! Will you live your best life yet? I hope so! For me, though, I’m going to focus back on that dusty chasm of time thing I was talking […]

Hello my Trash Pandas, and welcome to THE TRASH REPORT! It’s me, Elinor Jones, and I’ve been having a real good time readin’ the news and likin’ the tweets and I’m happy to make some space in the dumpster for all of you. This week’s theme is: the internet. Dank Brandon Makes Moves Big Daddy […]

Rise up, trash pandas, it’s time to get grimy! It’s me, Elinor Jones, with some thoughtfully curated garbage to get you through your Monday, or whatever day/galactic juncture it is when you’re reading this. To get in the right headspace, please watch this video, and pretend you’re the kid, and I’m the dad: thinking about […]

Hello, “TRASH PANDAS!” If you missed it, last week I ran a poll on what to call you lot and my people have spoken: Thank you for participating, and if you don’t like being a “Trash Panda,” maybe next time don’t write in Jill Stein or whatever. Welcome to the first week of FALL where […]

Hi everyone, and welcome to The Trash Report! So, a couple of weeks back I asked for suggestions on what to call readers of this here column, and I got some *chef’s kiss* suggestions. They include: Trash Pandas, Trash Bandits, Trashists, Dumpster Divers, and Garbage Pail Kids. I love all of my children equally and […]