The Trash Report

Hello, “TRASH PANDAS!” If you missed it, last week I ran a poll on what to call you lot and my people have spoken: Thank you for participating, and if you don’t like being a “Trash Panda,” maybe next time don’t write in Jill Stein or whatever. Welcome to the first week of FALL where […]

Hi everyone, and welcome to The Trash Report! So, a couple of weeks back I asked for suggestions on what to call readers of this here column, and I got some *chef’s kiss* suggestions. They include: Trash Pandas, Trash Bandits, Trashists, Dumpster Divers, and Garbage Pail Kids. I love all of my children equally and […]

Hey everyone! Welcome to The Trash Report! It’s been a busy week of me plundering the depths of the internet to harvest and redistribute her riches. Hey, speaking of plundering: Queen of English Died Queen Elizabeth II died last week at 96 years old, and everyone on Twitter is all “hear ye, hear ye” about […]

Ding dong, ya ding dongs! It’s me, Elinor Jones, here with a compilation of a bunch of crap I found on the internet and presented as this, The Trash Report. Hey, help me workshop a name for all of you who like to read this column. I was gonna be like, “hey trashfaces!” but that […]

Hiyeee! Welcome to another week with me, Elinor Jones, and this content known as The Trash Report, which is so-named because it’s just a bunch of crap that fell off the back of the internet truck, gathered by my dexterous little raccoon hands, and compiled into something that might take your mind off something else […]

Hello, and welcome to another edition of The Trash Report! ‘Tis I, Elinor Jones, here to tell you that some are born trash, some achieve trash, and others have trash injected straight into their eyeholes—which is my job today. Yeah, I can quote Shakespeare. I can also make my armpits fart. Your friend Elinor contains […]

Hiyeeeeee, and welcome to another edition of The Trash Report. It’s a-me, Elinor Jones, overdressed and under-confident, ready to hold hands with you and drive Thelma and Louise-style into this trash heap called life, except we won’t die. (Probably.) Let’s go! The Trash Ex-President I feel like anything I write about the FBI raiding Trump’s […]

Let’s go, trash lovers! It’s time for a new edition of THE TRASH REPORT! This week Elinor Jones dumpster dives into garbage man Alex Jones, Jake Gyllenhaal’s “Road House,” and… zombie pigs? Okay!

Hello, it’s Mr. Nasty. Welcome to The Trash Report! It’s me, Elinor Jones, writing from a bathtub of ice, because Portland isn’t supposed to be this hot and all my bras are uncomfortable and sweaty—but not wearing one is even worse? What the hell! How about let’s find some other stuff to be mad about. […]

Whaddup, sluts!* Welcome to another edition of THE TRASH REPORT, where I, Elinor Jones, am back on my bullshit, and you can read along. It’s gonna be a hot week, which means our trash will be extra stinky. Plug your noses and let’s go for a dive! Biden has COVID In another example of being […]

Hello, everyone! I am your friend (I assume) Elinor Jones. I hope you’ve all had a nice week. I’ve been spending every waking second staring at the internet to collect the stankiest gossip to share with you—so hold your nose… and let’s go! Legal Advice from the Ghost of Ivana Trump Ivana Trump, best known […]