The Trash Report

What’s happening, Trash Pandas? I’m Elinor Jones, and I’ve rounded up some of the best, silliest, stankiest garbage from around the webs and listed them here for you in this column, which is called…THE TRASH REPORT! Please don your cutest protective gear and dive in with me, okay? Balloons, Schmalloons At the time of this […]

Hiyeeeee. It’s me, Elinor Jones, hoping you’ve all had a great week. If you’re reading this, it means you survived, which is high praise in this gun-ridden shithole of a country. If your heart’s been aching and you’re too shy to say it, I hear you, I love you, and I’ve prepared for you this […]

Hello, friends! Hello, enemies! Hello, people about whom I feel indifferent! I hope you had a nice weekend that left you refreshed and ready to dig through the dumpsters with me, your pal (or enemy?) Elinor Jones in this here Trash Report. Monkey Business I mentioned this story last week in Good Afternoon, News, but […]

What’s happening, hot stuff? Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. day to everybody! It’s Elinor Jones, back at ya with another Trash Report, where my vibe is very Oscar the Grouch in reaction to all the garbage that’s piled up this week: 😍 https://t.co/b6z543FfOE — Oscar the Grouch (@OscarTheGrouch) January 12, 2023 The Overserved Globes The […]

Happy New Year, Trash Pandas! I know I’m late to say that, but it’s the first time we’ve talked in 2023, so it works. It’s like when you’re home for the holidays and your parents say “good morning” to you when you roll out of bed even though it’s 1 pm. The past few weeks […]

Happy Christmas hangover day, my grimy Trash Pandas! It’s me, Elinor Jones. I’m currently on vacation, but I knew I would have a horrible time sipping margaritas and getting a suntan knowing that all of you are starving for content, so I’ve put together this wonderful best-of-the-year column to tide you over. We experienced so […]

Raise up, Trash Pandas! I’m Elinor Jones, here with your Trash Report. This is the week every year where I ceremonially throw away the eggnog that my partner bought as soon as it hit the shelves, took one sip of, and then let fester in the fridge. I’m sharing that anecdote because the eggnog has […]

Hellooooo, Trash Panda family! Welcome back to the Trash Report. I’m your host, Elinor Jones. Lately I’ve been wondering if I should get on TikTok or if it would be too embarrassing because I’m 40, and I’m also really struggling with the return of baggy jeans where the bottoms drag on the ground, because we […]

Happy Monday, Trash Pandas! I hope you all enjoyed your weekend. (Did you know I usually write this column on Fridays to be published on Mondays so when I write things like “happy Monday” in a way I’m kind of predicting the future? Trippy!) Welcome to The Trash Report. I’m Elinor Jones, and there’s a […]

Hello Trash Pandas, and welcome to another round of steaming hot goss in this here Trash Report. I’m writing it as my child is blasting Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You,” making me really question both why I let her use my phone, why I taught her how to use Spotify, and […]

Hello, sweet baby Trash Panda angels! It’s me, Elinor Jones, and this is my column, The Trash Report, which I’ve written from the inside of a gigantic mound of blankets. My hands are wearing several pairs of gloves so typing has taken a very long time. I hope it’s worth it! I think it will […]

Hello, Trash Pandas! Welcome back to the Trash Report. It’s me, Elinor Jones, who some have said is just three raccoons in a trench coat, but if that were true, could I do this: *opens a jar using my opposable digits.* I’ve done my best to find garbage for you that will be fun to […]