The Trash Report

Hidley ho, Trash Pandas! Welcome to The Trash Report. I’m your best friend, Elinor Jones, here with the latest in gossip, news, nonsense… kinda whatever, this column can really go off the rails sometimes. Whatever it is, it will be words. Let’s go! Trash Pandas>Raccoon Dogs Speaking of trash pandas, more information is coming out […]

Hello, and welcome to the Trash Report! I’m your best friend, Elinor Jones, also known as “Portland’s Best Kept Secret.” (Trying this out—it worked for Rod Tidwell in Jerry Maguire, maybe it will also help me to land an enhanced NFL contract?) I hope you’re having a great day so far, and I hope to […]

How do you do, fellow Trash Pandas? I’m really happy that we’re on the other side of the -ember and -uary months, which means it’s almost Spring, which means it’s almost Summer, and my birthday. There’s plenty of time to shop, is what I’m saying. I’m your best raccoon friend Elinor Jones and the following […]

Brrrbrrr br brr brrrrr brrrrr! Oops, sorry, let me try that again: Welcome to the Trash Report! I’m Elinor Jones, taking a break from trying to convince my pug that she can walk on ice to write some jokes about current events for you, my sweet trash pandas. Let’s go! Weather is Trash I’m writing […]

Hello, Trash Pandas, and happy President’s Day! One might think that President’s Day is kind of a trash holiday, so in fitting with this column, I’ve done a little research about it for you (skip this part if you don’t care about history): President’s Day is officially called Washington’s Birthday, in honor of George Washington, […]

How do you do, fellow Trash Pandas? It’s your old pal Elinor Jones here with the latest in news and nonsense. Where to even start? Well, Valentine’s Day is tomorrow and if you haven’t planned anything yet, there is still time to submit a Mercury reader valentine! Nothing says romance like something free and last-minute. […]

What’s happening, Trash Pandas? I’m Elinor Jones, and I’ve rounded up some of the best, silliest, stankiest garbage from around the webs and listed them here for you in this column, which is called…THE TRASH REPORT! Please don your cutest protective gear and dive in with me, okay? Balloons, Schmalloons At the time of this […]

Hiyeeeee. It’s me, Elinor Jones, hoping you’ve all had a great week. If you’re reading this, it means you survived, which is high praise in this gun-ridden shithole of a country. If your heart’s been aching and you’re too shy to say it, I hear you, I love you, and I’ve prepared for you this […]

Hello, friends! Hello, enemies! Hello, people about whom I feel indifferent! I hope you had a nice weekend that left you refreshed and ready to dig through the dumpsters with me, your pal (or enemy?) Elinor Jones in this here Trash Report. Monkey Business I mentioned this story last week in Good Afternoon, News, but […]

What’s happening, hot stuff? Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. day to everybody! It’s Elinor Jones, back at ya with another Trash Report, where my vibe is very Oscar the Grouch in reaction to all the garbage that’s piled up this week: 😍 https://t.co/b6z543FfOE — Oscar the Grouch (@OscarTheGrouch) January 12, 2023 The Overserved Globes The […]

Happy New Year, Trash Pandas! I know I’m late to say that, but it’s the first time we’ve talked in 2023, so it works. It’s like when you’re home for the holidays and your parents say “good morning” to you when you roll out of bed even though it’s 1 pm. The past few weeks […]

Happy Christmas hangover day, my grimy Trash Pandas! It’s me, Elinor Jones. I’m currently on vacation, but I knew I would have a horrible time sipping margaritas and getting a suntan knowing that all of you are starving for content, so I’ve put together this wonderful best-of-the-year column to tide you over. We experienced so […]