The Trash Report

What’s happening, Trash Pandas? Welcome to another edition of THE TRASH REPORT. I am Elinor Jones, here to lovingly yell at you about some weird things happening in the news in an attempt to make them funny, thus brightening your day (with the humor) and my day (with the validation). What’s the point of living […]

Helllooooo, Trash Pandas! Welcome back to another edition of your favorite web-based news and humor column from an alternative weekly from a midsized American city, also known as: THE TRASH REPORT! I’m Elinor Jones, and I finally got my first sunburn of the summer this past weekend. I slid it in just under the wire, […]

Hello, Trash Pandas! Welcome to another Trash Report. I’m your best friend, Elinor Jones, here to make little quips about all the latest in news and gossip and hopefully make you smile a little bit during another grim week of reality. If you aren’t in the mood to smile, I get it—all you have to […]

Hello, angel baby Trash Pandas! ‘Tis I, Elinor Jones, here with the freshest news and gossip in this here Trash Report. Usually this is the hottest month of the year but it’s been unseasonably pleasant outside, meaning the dumpsters aren’t quite as rank and steamy as one would expect. Don’t worry: I’ve still found some […]

Howdy, Trash Pandas! It’s me, Elinor Jones, coming at you with another TRASH REPORT. I’ll start with the BEST news (for you), which is that 100% of the lingering zen from my vacation has faded so I’m as anxious and freaked out as ever! You know what I think would be fun? To navigate this […]

Hihihihihihihi! I missed you! I didn’t put out a Trash Report last week because I was on a legit vacation, which was wonderful, but I barely kept up on any news while I was away, so now all the relaxing I did on vacation is mooted by how hard I have to work to get […]

Hello, my precious Trash Pandas, and welcome to another week of garbage with the Trash Report! I’m Elinor Jones, your best friend, here to share some silly things that made me laugh this week. I’m lucky to write for such smart and attractive readers, and you deserve the best. To be clear, I’m not the […]

Hello, and Happy Monday! Welcome to the Trash Report. I’m your friend, Elinor Jones, possibly shouting into the void because I feel like a lot of you are on a long holiday weekend and might be enjoying your lives instead of staring at one of your rectangles on this Monday morning. You’re gonna do what […]

Hello friends, enemies, and fellow Cancers, with whom I vibe very strongly and complicatedly, as is our nature; it’s our season!! I’m going to be honest with you: I know very little about astrology. I know that I was born between late June and late July and that some ancient beings/contemporary Instagram girlies determined that […]

Hiyeee, Trash Pandas, and welcome to another Trash Report! I’m Elinor Jones, your cutest guide to a bunch of silly things I read about that I’d like to share with you. You may be asking, but what is this for? Fair question. My answer to that is, what is anything for? You ever watch a […]

What light through yonder dumpster breaks? It is the East, and I, Elinor Jones, am the sun, and this is The Trash Report, and you are my Trash Pandas, and this is how it’s going to go: I’m going to write about some news and gossip that I read about in other places, and I’ll […]

Hello my little Trash Pandas, and welcome to The Trash Report! It’s your girl, Elinor Jones, coming to you live from a rainbow T-shirt I bought at Target, which is not an act of defiance (or even really allyship, because capitalism is inherently harmful to marginalized communities), but it is kinda cool that wearing said […]