IN THE GHETTO

DEAR MERCURY—I have to correct Emily, who wrote a
letter about “The Guy” [“Just the Guy,” Letters, March 6] on the cover
of your Felony Flats article [“Good-Bye, Felony Flats!” Feature, Feb
28]. His name is not “The Guy” but actually “The Caveman.” I also
have a contention with the article in general—I live in the 53rd
and Foster area, so I don’t know if it counts, but I had a murder next
door this last summer and I certainly don’t feel like there has been
any change around here. The ghetto-ness is alive and well when our
streets look like a dump, shitty-ass limos park outside my house
and blast the shittiest of shit music late into the night,
and people stagger their way to and from the Devil’s Point and leave
pornos in my goddamn bushes.

Kara Kerpan

NAKED LADIES SELL PAPERS

DEAR MERCURY—I like your paper. However, when I
glanced at this week’s lame-ass cover and saw two naked brunettes
gazing knowingly at the world with some hot-pink doilies covering up
their bits and pieces, I was especially impressed. Although it is
entirely possible that I am the only one who noticed, three flippin’
weeks ago your cover was almost exactly the same, except that only one
of the women was facing the front, and someone’s back was getting
bloodied! I guess you finally figured out how to entice more people to
pick up your paper. I bet that if you continue putting naked women on
the cover every four weeks for the rest of 2008, your male readership
will skyrocket, leading to an increase in male participation in next
year’s boring sex survey.

Sadie F.

CLITORAL TUTORIAL

DEAR MERCURY—This letter is for “Dr.” Humphrey in
regards to his sex survey exposé [“Sex Survey Results 2008,”
Feature, March 6]. Humphrey writes: “When it comes to women achieving
orgasm solely from penetration, only about 19% of gals are able to do
it. Meanwhile 28% come close (get it?), and 15% never do. SO RELAX,
FELLAS! Do your business, hop off, and run to Dairy Queen to pick her
up an Oreo Blizzard. She’ll take care of the rest.” Now, I know, that
last part is kind of a joke. Girls like ice cream more than actually
enjoying sex. Ha ha! But seriously. Women failing to get off from
penetration is not news. What I want to know is, when you hear the
news, “Women don’t get off from penetration,” why is your reaction,
“Cool, I’ll just use her body to jack off in, and then roll over.
Mission accomplished,” rather than, “Gee, if anatomically, women get
off from clitoral stimulation, since she is nice enough to get me off,
I’ll do the decent thing and return the favor with my hands or mouth.”
I mean, is this ROCKET SCIENCE, people? Guys get off from penetration.
Girls get off from clitoral stimulation. Act accordingly. Right? Well,
according to Humphrey, WRONG. Apparently, ladies, you should let boys
dive into your nether regions whenever, but when it comes to having
your own orgasm, well, that’s up to you too. Are you kidding me? It
seems to me that, if this epidemic continues, more and more ladies are
going to go the voluntary lesbian route. This crap about boys getting
off and girls getting themselves off has GOT to stop. Now let’s all
evolve, and then we can come together.

Chelsea P.

WOAH THERE, sounds like someone needs an Oreo Blizzard, STAT! We
don’t have one handy at the moment, but by winning the Mercury
letter of the week, we’ll stimulate you with two tickets to the
Laurelhurst Theater and lunch at No Fish! Go Fish!, where orgasms are a
priority.

FAREWELL, THE PERRY BIBLE FELLOWSHIP!

HEY READERS: It is with heavy heart we relate the following sad
news: One of our favoritest comic strips, The Perry Bible
Fellowship is retiring. Though devastated, we wish
Perry‘s hilarious author Nicholas Gurewitch luck in his new
pursuits, and… you guessed it… we’re currently trying out new
comics to fill this empty space. For the next few weeks we’ll be
auditioning a new comic every week [see page 63], so if you see one you
like be sure to write in and let us know—or make a suggestion!
(P.S. We’re not bringing back Blecky Yuckerella, or getting rid
of Dinosaur Comics… but everything else is up for
discussion.)

THIS WEEK’S COVER

CONGRATULATIONS TO Dave Dilley for scoring the Jack Pollock
Caricature of his dog Gravity, which graces our cover this week as part
of the Mercury‘s annual charity auction. Good boy, Gravity. Good
boy!