Raise up, Trash Pandas! I'm Elinor Jones, here with your Trash Report. This is the week every year where I ceremonially throw away the eggnog that my partner bought as soon as it hit the shelves, took one sip of, and then let fester in the fridge. I'm sharing that anecdote because the eggnog has become trash, as do we all, so I will celebrate its legacy here. Let's take a look at what else has gone stanky in the fridge, okay?
Trash Digital Currencies
Disgraced former President Donald Trump teased a major announcement via his social media platform Truth Social last week. And on Wednesday the big reveal was... NFTs of him photoshopped in different places, for which he is charging $99 each. Yiiiiiiiiikes. Everything about this is pathetic, but I think charging $99 is the real kicker. It's just such a hilarious number for something of no value. Why not $5? Why not $7,000? Any amount is wrong, because a screengrab could get it for free and provide the same return on investment, which is none.
Speaking of pretend money, the founder of crypto-currency FTX Sam Bankman-Fried was arrested in the Bahamas last week for fraud. While the New York Post is trash, this is beautiful:
sometimes you do, under certain circumstances, "gotta hand it to them" pic.twitter.com/uHlETHqq98— Matt Karp 🌹🦏🇺🇸 (@karpmj) December 14, 2022
Him being a "depressed vegan" is the most relatable thing about him, tbh. Like, yeah dude. You and the rest of Portland.
Trash Policies and Plans
In a blow to Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler, The Multnomah County Commission recently voted to fund rental assistance programs instead of Wheeler's plan to simply hide homeless Portlanders in several camps throughout the city. As reported by our own Alex Zielinski, Wheeler said he's disappointed, but "we will continue working towards compassionate solutions." Compassionate Solutions honestly sounds like the name of a company that helps people seeking doctor-assisted suicide, so perhaps Wheeler is telling us that he'll let his dumb plan die? We shall see!
And in a pretty baller move, exiting Oregon Governor Kate Brown used the last few weeks of her term to be like "you know what? No more death penalty." The sentences of 17 people currently on Oregon's death row have now all been commuted to life in prison. Brown told OPB: "The death penalty also has never been administered fairly, consistently, or equitably in Oregon or frankly, across the United States." Hear, hear! I live for a lame duck politician with nothing to lose and hope that Brown does more cool stuff before she's out. GUESS WHAT: I have suggestions! The first is to get rid of Oregon's dumb kicker law and use that money to give fat raises to public employees like teachers who absolutely deserve it for all the shit they've gone through forever, but especially over the last three years. OR start letting Oregon grocery stores sell booze! I prefer vodka sodas to wine, but having to make an extra stop is simply too much to ask of me most days. Please, Kate: wield your power righteously! Make it easier for me to make cocktails! And the other stuff too!
One other substance is soon to become more regulated—at least in Multnomah County: flavored tobacco and nicotine products will be banned in 2024. The move is an attempt to get fewer young people to pick up smoking, which like, uhh, okay. Do they not know that banning something only makes it cooler? No self-respecting cool teen would use a tobacco product called something like "STrAw-MeLon sOuR" unless it was illegal! You are doing this wrong!!
Last week I lamented the return of jeans that drag on the ground while you walk, and this week another ghost of fashions' past has come to haunt us, this time by way of Katie Holmes wearing a dress over jeans. Holmes's stylist clarified that it wasn't a dress, but rather a very long top, which doesn't matter! If anything, that is worse because it signals a return to the times of "going out tops," which I feel like I just finished culling from my wardrobe. Holmes has also been seen sporting a skinny scarf around her neck, so if you want to stay on trend, do yourself a favor and watch the music video for Jennifer Love Hewitt's 2002 single "Bare Naked" and just buy everything she wears. It's where we headed. I for one welcome our new chunky turquoise necklace overlords:
Trash Weight Loss
The latest trends in celebrity weight loss include pulling fat out of your cheeks for an enhanced Morticia Adams facial structure and using prescription insulin to twist up your blood sugar to shed pounds with no effort. To the first one, I say: Do what you want, girlies! I and my cherub-faced friends can sell you back some buccal fat when you look like skeletons at 45, no worries! But to the second one, I say: Oh that is actually bad, stop doing it, it's causing real shortages for people living with Type 2 diabetes who need the drug for more than fitting in Marilyn Monroe's old clothes.
Make the Internet Cats Again
I can't believe I'd nearly forgotten that the Bidens got a cat! What kind of professional political communications team could make that not their whole schtick? Swear to god, the internet is being wasted on mediocre men; maybe Twitter's impending collapse can harken a return to lolcats.
Anyway, the Bidens released a video of their kitty, Willow, being very cute and well-behaved in the White House's elaborate Christmas displays:
Willow, the Biden Family's Pet Cat, Celebrates Her First White House Christmas https://t.co/WPGsxD83vm— People (@people) December 16, 2022
Meanwhile, my cat Sprinkles is dead-set on destroying our one small artificial tree:
Sprinkles tried to bring down the tree. pic.twitter.com/RyssDLAPog— Elinor Jones (@ElinorJoneser) December 16, 2022
Welp, that's all the trash she wrote, my friends. I hope you can find enough skinny scarves to keep your necks warm during these chilly days.
And if you've found yourselves on Santa's naughty list, come sit next to me. 😉