- Courtesy of @bachelorABC
Here we are, The Bachelor. Week three. I can’t believe it. You can’t believe it. But here I am, spending two hours of my unknowably short, precious, life watching this unholy baloney. But you know what? It’s not so bad when you just embrace the darkness. Embrace your inner darkness by catching up on last week’s recap here: click to embrace the darkness.
Anyway, here we GOOOOthedarknessconsumesyouOOOOOO!
As per usual they give us a glimpse of drama to come: The main players of tonight’s drama: Jubilee, Olivia, Lace. With activities like soccer, airplanes, and crying.
The full recap after you JUMP into the abyss>>>>
Chris Harrison enters the Bachelor Mansion and informs the women that there will be three dates this week: Two 1-on-1’s and a group date.
DATE CARD 1: Lauren B. scores the first 1-on-1. “The sky’s the limit” the card says. Lauren says, “Shut the front door” when she finds out the date involves flying in an airplane. “Shut the front door” Lauren? What are you, the funniest person in your youth group?
Actually, I’m not going to be mean to Lauren B. because I recently learned she’s originally from Portland! And she is by far a better representative of our city than Mandi ever was. She could wear Vibrams while smoking a grape flavored vape-pen in a fedora at Burning Man, and I still would like her because she’s a Blazers fan:
- My friend texted me this screen cap.
- Rip City
Anyway, flying ain’t no thing to Lauren B.—she’s a flight attendant. But wait! This is no ordinary plane. It’s a biplane!
They decide to fly over the Bachelor mansion. The other women look up, trying to shoot down the plane with jealousy-bullets. I cross my fingers the plane will buzz the mansion like Maverick in Top Gun. It doesn’t happen, and I briefly consider turning off the TV and watching Top Gun.
But I don’t start watching Top Gun because something primal inside me genuinely wants to see where this date goes. They land the plane in the middle of nowhere. But wait—a surprise! This isn’t the middle of nowhere, it’s a HOT TUB in the middle of nowhere.
So far it seems like Ben only has one move, and that move is called Hot Tub. It works though, as they start immediately playing tongue-swords.
BACK AT THE MANSION (BATM): Caila and… JoJo? Sure. Let’s go with JoJo. They’re talking with each other. Confiding their worries. Caila falls into tears, and her voice starts to sound like a balloon leaking helium. She’s afraid to have an open heart because it can be broken. Shit girl, tell me about it, but that’s like saying you can’t risk eating street tacos because there’s a chance you’ll get diarrhea. At some point you just have to live life.
Back at the 1-on-1: Time to get real. Lauren B. says she was brought up to work hard for what you have. You know, the same way that competing in a reality TV show is really hard work.
BATM: DATE CARD 2: Group date edition. Amanda, Haley (Twin 1), Jennifer, Shushanna, Leah, Amber Lauren H., Olivia, Jamie, Rachel, Lace, and Emily (Twin 2) are picked for the group date. “Love is the goal” the card says.
1-on-1: Ben gives Lauren B. the date rose. After that they go out to a barn where Lucy Angel is there to give them a private concert to end the date. Who the fuck is Lucy Angel? I don’t know, does it look like I listen to 99.5 The Wolf? No. Because The Wolf should be the name of the radio station that plays ancient Norse war chants, and it isn’t.
GROUP DATE TIME: The women pile out of a limo at the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum. Time for some soccer! Ben brings out 2015 Women’s World Cup champions, Alex Morgan and Kelly O’Hara! They’re here to help the girls learn how to play. There’s a lot of chest bumps, face hits, and general fumbling. It reminds me of my first time making love, by which I mean the score in tennis.
BATM: JoJo talks to Jubilee now (is JoJo the mansion shrink or something!?). Jubilee is afraid that Ben has a “type” and that she isn’t that “type.” She thinks his type is “good” and “happy” girls. Whose type isn’t that? Bad-sad people are generally a bummer to date FYI.
Group Date: Chris comes out to split the women into two teams and make them play soccer: Team Stars and Team Stripes. They wear appropriately patterned uniforms, ‘natch. The girls on the winning team get to go with Ben to an after-party. The losers are, well, dumb fucking losers who I presume die cowardly deaths. The Twins are placed on opposite teams. They declare it a “twin off”—I declare them a “turn off.” Ya BURNT.
Lace (the main shithead from the first two episodes) is playing goalie and doesn’t know she can use her hands. That’s the one thing I do know about soccer, other than it’s super boring. One of the Twins is the other goalie, and she says, “Balls flying at your face are never fun….” Well, not with that attitude. Anyway, Team Stars loses.
Which means the Stars have to go back to the mansion, still wearing their soccer outfits, metaphorically licking their literal wounds. It also means: Lace, Olivia, Amber, Haley… and some other girls get to party with Ben.
Of course, Olivia immediately steals Ben away and they go into Ben’s hotel room, but not before going out onto his balcony to gloat down at the other women. This causes the girls talk mad shit about Olivia’s toes and bad breath. Later, Olivia gets Jami to tell her what they said. Olivia, obviously, is insecure about her toes (who isn’t, amirite?), but she plays it cool.
BATM: DATE CARD 3: Jubilee is picked for the last 1-on-1. The card says “love is in the air.” How the hell is that different than “the sky’s the limit”? My guess? It isn’t.
Group Date: Amber is worried about getting time with Ben. She’s had, like, no fuckin’ time with him, which doesn’t bode well for her. Let’s not forget Amber was on The Bachelor last season, too. Can’t this girl ever find love? SHIT! She makes out with Ben, so we’ll see.
Right after that, Ben gives Amber the group date rose. So… that was anticlimactic.
Jubilee’s 1-on-1: Before the date, the show establishes that Jubilee is awkward and that all the other women think this about her. Jami calls her, “Awko-taco”. That reminds me… I’m hungry.
Anyway, the date. A HELICOPTER lands to pick Ben and Jubilee up, but uh oh! Jubilee is deathly afraid of heights. Jubilee asks if anyone wants to go on her date. This OFFENDS all the other girls, but I don’t think she meant it since she hops into the helicopter anyway.
At this point we know Ben has two moves: 1. Hot Tub. 2. Flying over things. They land at Cal-a-vie health spa. They describe it as a mini castle, but these motherfuckers don’t know anything about medieval architecture, I assure you. Ben makes her try caviar. She spits it out. Jubilee admits her go-to food is hot dogs. I feel that, girl. I feel that.
At one point Jubilee calls Ben “Whiteboy.” Later, they get in ANOTHER HOT TUB (Ben, get a third move, bro), and they talk about the “whiteboy” comment, and Ben says “I ain’t that white” to which Jubilee replies, “So I’ve heard.” HIS DICK, YOU GUYS.
The date transitions into night. The conversation gets RAW, delving into Jubilee’s past. She’s adopted from Haiti, and she’s the only person from her whole family left alive. That’s some heavy shit, and I legitimately feel bad for her even though she’s kinda using it to score points on this awful reality show.
The date ends with Ben giving her the date rose. And the next day all the women are SHOCKED that Jubilee is still there. You know, because she’s antisocial and not so well-liked.
COCKTAIL HOUR: Ben enters, tells all the women that two family friends died in a plane crash that day. Ironic given all the flying around in this episode—but it means that Ben is feeling very sad. Olivia, again, immediately pulls Ben aside and uses the opportunity to… address her body issues, no doubt fueled by the shit-talking from the group date. She should have consoled him. Ya done fucked up, Olivia! Not everything is about you all the time!
Jubilee picks that ball up instead, pulling Ben aside to give him a massage. But other girls see this and get jealous because she already has a rose. And let’s be honest, they hate her already anyway. All the girls decide they need to confront her as a group. But Jubilee won’t have it and stomps off to be alone. Ben hears something is wrong with Jubilee, so he goes up to talk to her.
- courtesy of ABC
- They hate me because I love hot dogs.
Amber goes upstairs to confront Jubilee and Ben, and it turns out this is all over Jubilee asking if anyone else wanted to go on her 1-on-1 date instead. Apparently that hurt a lot of the other girls. That’s fucking dumb, considering she’s afraid of heights and she didn’t fucking mean it anyway. But I guess talking about it resolved everything. Communication works, ladies and gentlemen! On to the rose ceremony…
BUT WAIT. Lace pulls Ben aside now, in tears. She admits to Ben that she isn’t proud of how she’s acted since she got there. She says she still has a lot of work to do on herself. Like her tattoo says, you can’t love someone else until you love yourself. Holy shit, Lace! I respect that more than I respect Jubilee’s love of hot dogs. Lace leaves voluntarily. And now it’s really time for…
THE ROSE CEREMONY: Here’s who makes the cut:
Lauren H, Amanda, Becca, Haley (Twin 1), Emily (Twin 2), Rachel, Caila, JoJo, Jennifer, and Leah.
But there’s still The Last Rose: It’s down to Jami, Shushanna… and Olivia? That’s surprising. She’s been doing very well so far—I mean, she got the first impression rose in the first episode, and the group date rose in episode two. She did fuck up by talking about her toe insecurities instead of consoling Ben, but, like, she shouldn’t be down to the last rose. That’s loco, and– oh god, am I getting into this show?
Olivia gets the rose. Close one.
And we start to see a whole new side of Olivia. I mean, I know she’s very driven and goes after what she wants, but this is a new level of bananas. She tells the camera that Ben gave her a squeeze on the hip that told her he couldn’t give her everything so easily because it would make the other girls jealous. Olivia already thinks of Ben as her husband. AFTER THREE WEEKS. This will end badly.
NEXT TIME: Vegas! Fireworks, kissing, panic attacks— and Olivia drama comes to a head?
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