This I, Anonymous post, “Savage Love Was Closed for Repairs,” gets a little graphic:

Every time I do cocaine at home alone, I have to masturbate. It’s this insatiable urge I get when that euphoric feeling hits me, but it’s only when I’m alone. More than that, I tend to feel the need to stick my fingers in my ass. I know that’s weird, and trust me, I had a hard time accepting it as my behavior. I never cum (I can’t on coke), but I’ll lay in bed (on my side) and masturbate with my fingers in my ass. I hope I never OD in this position, because that would be humiliating.

Toot alurs! Anonymous goes on to ask if this is strange behavior, but I think a more pressing question is: How often are they doing coke by themselves at home? That seems like a far more worrisome habit. Fingers up butts, meh. Go for it, buddy. Have something you’d like to get off your chest (or pull out of your butt)? Head on over to the I, Anonymous Blog, where all sorts of solitary activities happen.

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Mercury copy chief and appreciator of the most sophisticated form of comedy: PUNS!