GUYS!! Somebody’s killing squirrels!!

From my back porch I can see you two a few houses down. Putting peanuts on the road around rush time. The squirrels get pegged off, you shovel them into a bucket and then dissapear. What the hell are you two doing with all those dead squirrels?

SERIAL SQUIRREL KILLER!!! If you have any information on this brutal murderer, please contact the Portland Police, PETA, or the only real law in this town… the I, Anonymous Blog! (Your tips, rants and confessions are kept entirely confidential.)

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Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)