Trump's Solution to Beat ISIS: Dip Bullets in Pigs' Blood

Someone take away his phone.
Someone take away his phone. DREW ANGERER/GETTY IMAGES

Smashed jack-o'-lantern and U.S. President Donald Trump took to Twitter today to condemn the ISIS van attack in Barcelona that killed at least 13. Unlike the two days it took him to "condemn" the deadly neo-Nazi rally in Charlottesville, condeming the militant Islamic group only took him a matter of minutes.


Later, he tweeted his proposed solution:

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White Portland Man Accused of Yelling Racial Slurs, Preventing Black People From Entering MAX Train

Rick Allen Duncan, 53, of Portland
Rick Allen Duncan, 53, of Portland

A white Portland man is accused of yelling racial slurs at two Black people while physically preventing them from boarding a MAX train at the Providence Park station on Tuesday evening.

Rick Duncan, 53, allegedly charged at the two people at the MAX station, called them "n******", told them to "go home," and put his hands on one of the two to prevent her from boarding the train after it arrived and threatened to beat her up, the probable cause affidavit says.

A witness backed up their account to police that Duncan was yelling racial slurs at them. The two apparent victims tracked down a cop. Police tracked down Duncan.

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In This Corner of the World Arrives at an Especially Timely and Terrifying Moment

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There’s an elephant in the room throughout Sunao Katabuchi’s latest animated film, In This Corner of the World. That elephant is the 1945 atomic bombing of Hiroshima—an action that changed war forever and turned the world into the kind of place where a hundred thousand lives could be extinguished in an instant. So from the moment we meet Suzu, a dreamy girl who loves to draw stories, we watch her grow up in the seaside of Hiroshima, and we know where In This Corner of the World is headed.

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Thirty Years Ago, The Hitman’s Bodyguard Would’ve Been Called Cruel Target or Maximum Weapon

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How does one evaluate the successful exercise of a familiar formula? The Hitman’s Bodyguard is so formulaic—and so completely unsurprising in the ways it ably fulfills every requirement of the buddy-action-comedy genre—that it’s both a great movie and a terrible movie. Like a meal at the Cheesecake Factory, it is filling and unsatisfying. One can’t help but mourn how little The Hitman’s Bodyguard tries when even just a few sparks of inspiration could have elevated it to something special. Even the title is desperately unimaginative.

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Jeff Sessions Is Going to Hell

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MORRISON1977 / ALEX WONG / GETTY IMAGES

In January, I wrote a column imagining the different directions federal cannabis law could take under President Trump. As you’ve hopefully learned by following along with my far smarter colleagues in their weekly “Ask a Pot Lawyer” columns, the scenarios I proposed are already hilariously outdated.

That’s because the cannabis policy undertaken by Attorney General Ku Klux Keebler is perfectly in line with the various national “policies” set forth by Fake-Tan Hitler. It is unhinged, unpredictable, based upon private gain and racist beliefs, and seeks to inflict the most heinous suffering on our most vulnerable populations.

So, what’s Li’l Jeffy Sessions been up to since we last checked in? I’m so glad you asked.

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Behold the Portland Mercury's Eclipse Issue! Also Behold THE END OF DAYS!

So Merlin was over the other night, because it was the season finale of The Bachelor, and we always watch The Bachelor, because it’s kind of our thing, even though I always know how it ends, because I’m Nostradamus. (Speaking of The Bachelor, though! Fuck Bryan, right? That dude suuuuuucks, and the only reason he “won” was because Peter didn’t want to get immediately engaged? That’s a perfectly reasonable stance, and maybe Peter deserves to be with someone who isn’t fixated on a ring and who can appreciate emotional maturity... RACHEL.) Anyway, during a commercial, Merlin starts talking about this eclipse thing. Of course he’s all excited, and wants to get a campsite, and order special glasses, and he keeps saying how, during the totality, his crystal ball will probably capture visions unlike any ever beheld.

“Merle,” I said, “you’re a nice guy, and no offense, but sometimes, I don’t think you really ‘get it.’ And by ‘get it,’ I mean, ‘comprehend that the upcoming solar eclipse will mark the END OF DAYS and plunge Earth into an ETERNITY OF DARKNESS through which humankind shall NEVER EMERGE!’

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Steven Soderbergh’s Logan Lucky: Fast and Sort of Furious

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“I just don’t think movies matter as much anymore, culturally,” infamously unpredictable filmmaker Steven Soderbergh told the Guardian in 2013—one of the many legit reasons he gave when he announced he was quitting movies forever.

So naturally, four years later, the infamously unpredictable Soderbergh has a new comedy—Logan Lucky, a movie that aims to undermine Hollywood’s traditional distribution model, a movie whose screenwriter may or may not exist, and, most importantly, a movie that’s a goddamn delight.

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City Commissioner Nick Fish Has Been Diagnosed With Cancer

Commissioner Nick Fish
Commissioner Nick Fish Oregon.gov

Portland Commissioner Nick Fish has been diagnosed with abdominal cancer, he announced in a statement this morning.

"Over the past few months, I experienced weight loss, poor appetite, indigestion, and abdominal pain," Fish said in a statement. "A recent CT scan rang a number of alarm bells. A follow-up laparoscopy this week confirmed our worst fears: adenocarcinoma of the abdomen."

It's disheartening news, obviously, for the active city commissioner, who each week puts out a list of accomplishments and notable happenings on Facebook, and who's deft at brokering policy compromises with fellow commissioners (most recently, Fish was a key figure in forcing the continuation of a policy in which cops are interviewed by internal investigators shortly after shootings).

That activity is expected to continue largely unabated. While little is known about next steps, Fish's chief of staff, Sonia Schmanski, says the commissioner will keep a full schedule, except for necessary treatments.

"I am in good hands at the OHSU Knight Cancer Institute," Fish said in this morning's statement. "My doctors have prescribed regular outpatient chemotherapy treatments. The medicine will weaken my immune system, but should not prevent me from continuing to serve on the City Council."

One question that has yet to be answered: Whether Fish will press on with re-election plans next year. The news is too new for any of that to be worked out, Schmanski says, though Fish will reach a decision in coming days.

"This is the biggest challenge I have ever faced," Fish's statement says. "I intend to fight this disease with every fiber of my body."


Good Morning, News; the Stewart Apartments, PBOT's Nike Swoosh, and Larry O'Dea's Lies

Good morning, Portland.

The Stewart apartments occupy the top two floors of this 1921 building at the corner of Southwest Broadway and Ankeny
The Stewart apartments occupy the top two floors of this 1921 building at the corner of Southwest Broadway and Ankeny Patrick Alexander

The 66 residents of the affordable but dingy Stewart Apartments downtown may soon be evicted after the building's manager died, Dirk VanderHart reports.

"A retired Portland Bureau of Transportation employee who used his last day of work to troll athletic apparel giant Under Armour has paid up for his high jinks," we reported yesterday. "Kirk Kennedy recently sent the City of Portland $266.16 in connection with a rogue Nike 'swoosh' he installed in thermoplastic on July 28 outside of Under Armour's new Southwest Portland outpost, according to PBOT spokesperson John Brady."

Former Portland Police Chief Larry O'Dea is a big fat liar.

Voter fraud hits home: "It has come to the Mercury's attention that someone has been stuffing the ballot box in the most recent round of our Cutest Pet Photo Contest. That's right: Louie, the dog who looks like David Lynch, received a suspicious number of votes from the same IP address."

Nike co-founder Phil Knight just gave $500,000 to Republican governor candidate Knute Buehler, his largest donation yet to an Oregon campaign.

It's going to be a fucking mess in Oregon over the next week: "Traffic slowed to a crawl and gas stations were inundated with vehicles in Central Oregon Wednesday as the first wave of eclipse watchers descended on rural highways for a music festival near Prineville."

"At a time when many agencies in Oregon are moving toward greater transparency, Multnomah County District Attorney Rod Underhill and Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler have paved the way for more secrecy in the hiring of local officials — arguing that Portlanders shouldn't have the opportunity to vet finalists who don't want to be disclosed publicly," the Portland Tribune reports. "With Underhill's backing, Wheeler didn't reveal that Danielle Outlaw of Oakland had been a finalist for the Portland police chief's job until Aug. 7 — when he announced she was the mayor's pick to replace Mike Marshman as top cop."

KATU: "Confederate war veterans migrated to Oregon by the hundreds following their loss in the Civil War. They followed the Oregon Trail west, landing in Oregon City and Salem. Many of them are buried in local cemeteries in the region."

Remember when Donald Trump says he surrounds himself with only the best people?


And, finally, something less painful than the Trump presidency:



Reminder: Boeing CEO Stayed on Trump's Council While Others Jumped Ship

God bless Boeing, Trump said in February. The company has cut more than 11,000 jobs in Washington State since 2013.
"God bless Boeing," Trump said in February. The company has cut more than 11,000 jobs in Washington State since 2013. Flightlevel80/Getty

President Trump has abruptly disbanded his manufacturing council after several business and labor leaders decided to abort their ties to a president who has publicly defended white nationalist protesters. This morning, more leaders—including two AFL-CIO officials, Campbell Soup CEO Denise Morrison, and Inge Thulin of 3M—had decided to leave his manufacturing jobs initiative council before Trump's announcement.


Here's a reminder that some CEOs had decided to stay, including Boeing CEO Dennis Muilenburg.

I reached out to a Boeing spokesperson yesterday to ask if Muilenburg could explain his reason to stay close to Trump after the president's tacit support of white nationalists. I also asked the CEO for comment on Trump's disastrous response to the violence in Charlottesville that left one woman dead and 19 injured over the weekend.

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SEX

Savage Love Letter of the Day: Tiki Torches Aren't Just For Haters

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One of the better retorts to the white supremacists in Charlottesville would be to hold a march with rainbow Tiki Torches. That will put an end to Nazi nonsense. Don't mean to be flippant, but a little panache is called for. Just saying.

Shaming Haters And Fascists To Intimidate Nazi Gangsters

If rainbow Tiki torches could put an end to Nazi nonsense, SHAFTING, I could get behind your idea. But defeating Naziism and white supremacism and Trumpism won't be that simple—and the last thing we need right now, frankly, is another mob marching around carrying torches. Mobs with torches are a bad look whether you're talking front pages of newspapers, old newsreels, or Disney movies. And while rainbows are lovely, they don't have the power to transform a hateful symbol or look into something loving. I mean... look at this shit.

Okay! That was grim! Kinder, gentler bonus question after the jump...

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The PBOT Employee Who Installed a "Swoosh" in Front of Under Armour HQ Has Paid for Cleanup

Actually pretty good craftsmanship.
Actually pretty good craftsmanship.

A retired Portland Bureau of Transportation employee who used his last day of work to troll athletic apparel giant Under Armour has paid up for his high jinks.

Kirk Kennedy recently sent the City of Portland $266.16 in connection with a rogue Nike "swoosh" he installed in thermoplastic on July 28 outside of Under Armour's new Southwest Portland outpost, according to PBOT spokesperson John Brady.

"Mr. Kennedy paid the bill in full," Brady said this morning.

As we reported earlier this month, Kennedy, a former traffic crew leader at PBOT, spent his last-ever hour in the city's employ forcing his crew mates to watch him meld the plastic swoosh to the Barbur asphalt using a blow torch.

The swoosh was installed at the end of the work day on a Friday, and Kennedy's (former) crew mates reported the delightful vandalism to their superiors the following Monday morning. PBOT was not pleased.

"From our standpoint, the motive is almost beside the point," Brady told the Mercury earlier this month. "This is something that went beyond the pale and never should have happened in the first place."

Beyond apologizing to Under Armour, which insists it found the prank funny, the city sent Kennedy a bill for the cost of cleaning up the swoosh, and threatened "to pursue all legal recourse" if he did not.

Brady says Kennedy paid by check. He didn't include a letter of explanation.


Umii Gives Life with Debut EP This Time

Umii
Umii Kent Mori

Umii, the new project of R&B singer Reva DeVito and Los Angeles-based producer B. Bravo (AKA Adam Mori), just released their debut EP, This Time, and it’s already received tons of positive feedback. It was even voted a number-one EP by Jamz Supernova in her weekly roundup for BBC 1Xtra.

DeVito and Mori first decided to make music together after meeting in Portland in 2011.

“[We] were cranking out a bunch of songs and demos, and then I had her featured on my album,” Mori says. “We were like, ‘Yeah, we got all this music. Why don’t we just start a group together?’ So we came up with a name and a concept, and that’s how Umii was born.”

“And we became besties in the meantime,” DeVito adds. “Adam also DJs for my solo stuff a lot of the time.... We get along super well and just have a blast. He plays live keys and does, like, little synth solos, and just kind of livens it up a little bit. We love working together.”

Umii resembles the Japanese word for “ocean,” which pays homage to Mori’s heritage, and is also similar to the Arabic word for “mother.”

“What we were going for is kind of the combination of those two,” Mori explains. “Water is life, you know? And mothers also—women also—give life.”

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Cheating Will Not Be Tolerated in the Mercury's Cutest Pet Photo Contest

Louie has been disqualified after receiving a suspicious number of votes from the same IP address.
Louie has been disqualified after receiving a suspicious number of votes from the same IP address.

It has come to the Mercury's attention that someone has been stuffing the ballot box in the most recent round of our Cutest Pet Photo Contest. That's right: Louie, the dog who looks like David Lynch, received a suspicious number of votes from the same IP address. Here's what our tech support folks had to say about that:

Yeah, there is no way for us to know 100% for sure if it’s cheating, but there are a bunch of votes (~1000) coming from the same IP Address, which is definitely suspicious, but it could be someone who sharing a link around their office. We can exclude those votes if you think it’s appropriate.

We think it's MORE THAN appropriate. We think it's necessary! So, to be on the safe side, and to honor the honest participating pets, we are disqualifying Louie from further competition. His competitor, Chauncey, will advance to the next round by default.

This is not the first time concerns of this nature have been brought to our attention. The specter of cheating was mentioned last week, but our investigations at that point didn't turn up any evidence of foul play.

We take cheating very seriously here at the Mercury, and future attempts to rig our competition will not be tolerated. Also, this is way more effort than we'd planned to put into a goddamn CUTE PET PHOTO COMPETITION, and also why we can't have nice things.


Win Weekend Passes to MusicfestNW Presents: Project Pabst!

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It's almost time for MusicfestNW Presents: Project Pabst, our city's best PBR-fueled music festival! This year's lineup is as stacked as they come: the one and only Iggy Pop headlines Saturday's festivities, along with internet provocateur Father John Misty (check out our fanfiction about his 2015 album I Love You, Honeybear), powerhouse singer Lizzo (whose last show here was perfection), rising local rapper the Last Artful, Dodgr, and more. Sunday's lineup features indie heavy hitters like Beck and Spoon, along with beloved rapper Nas, the twee-pop of Frankie Cosmos, and Portland punks Lithics.

MusicfestNW Presents: Project Pabst takes over Tom McCall Waterfront Park August 26-27, and the Mercury's giving away one pair of tickets! Enter to win below.