If somebody has the drive, willpower, courage, and vision to walk 2000 miles-won’t it be slightly more likely that they will work hard? I think so. Won’t they be slightly more likely to save and send their kids to college? I think so. Won’t those kids end up as engineers, your doctor, your teacher, your representative in the future?

It’s shameful that you would spends so many years telling me you were on my side and that you were one of my biggest supporters, and then do what you did. Even if you were forced out coerced in some way, you made it sound like you were juggernaut and couldn’t be stopped. All I needed was you in my corner and I had nothing to worry about. I did trust you too. You called me and I expected you to tell me you were proud of me for making it this far. I took your call and I set up your meeting so you could sabotage me with shitty news and you and your group. In the end I’m mostly embarrassed I held on so long anyway. I’m also embarrassed that I think about it, but I spent close to twenty years thinking I was part of a “family”. Some kind of community bigger than me. I have own family, which is crazy when you consider I dreaming of an isolated shed on an abandoned lot just a few years ago. They were going to be part of your community. I guess that’s the good part though. In that sense, it’s like you did bring a gift after all. Anyway, I’m still working on that recovery thing. Some days are better than others. I will get better. You will most likely stay the same.

You moved near a Vietnamese restaurant and then you complained about smelling Vietnamese food. Scratches head

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From the hedonic bubble of cafes, restaurants, and bars, a Portlander might be cozied into not wondering where their piss ends up. But just downstream from Portland is the tidal ebb and flow of a sacrifice zone known as the Lower Columbia River. And there among 21st Century robber barons and Oregon DEQ’s self-report system of accountability is a local monthly rag. In the January 15, 2024 edition is an article in which the author writes about Lewis and Clark’s westward adventures. “Clark, who was 33 years old,” the author writes, “was quite taken by the two girls he saw riding horses on the estate. One girl, Judith “Julia” Hancock, was just 12, while the other girl (her cousin) was 14.” Julia was married off to Clark when she was 16. He managed to breed her five times before her death at the age of 28, after which he married the cousin. Later in the article the author writes, “After the Corps of Discovery returned to St. Louis in 1806, Clark’s slave, York, asked for his freedom… York believed he had earned his freedom, but Clark disagreed… he asked Clark to sell him to someone in Louisville so he could be closer to his wife, but Clark refused. York was very unhappy, and from that point on Clark treated him harshly.” Yet after all this expose, the article ends with these astonishing words: “William Clark will long be remembered as one of America’s great heroes.” Let us remember Clark not as a hero, but as the piece of shit he really was. He didn’t discover the West Coast any more than Neil Armstrong discovered the moon. He just made it easier to destroy.

Heyo random dude on the street corner,

I'm really sorry I splashed you. I was driving, I didn't realize how deep the puddle was, I didn't really clock my speed and I meant the "I'm sorry!" I yelled as I went past. Based on your language the puddle via myself got you good. I'm sorry about that.

That said, I've never gone through the effort of throwing a brick at someone's window though. 

So fuck you. I hope every tiny thing you possess is soaked with pisswater. Cuz that's something I've never done in my menial life, throw a brick at someone's car..fucking congrats on your main character syndrome. Nothing happened to intentionally fuck you up, but you intentionally threw a fucking brick at my car because you got splashed. Boo fucking hoo, bitch. 

The Decemberists have sung:

Come the war

Come the avarice

Come the war

Come hell

Come the attrition

Come the reek of bones

Come the attrition

Come hell

(“This is why we fight”)

They just released new music as more Gazan hospital space is invaded to “save” hostages.

This Portland group is one part of what is right in this city—their thoughtful lyrics, musicianship, and Colin’s compelling voice.  Their anti-war lyrics (with their semi-satirical videos online) strike me as tragically timely.  Their “Calamity Song” (with its brief “ceasefire” moment online) and “16 Military Wives” show militarism running amok.

These songs are my backdrop for what is going on in Congress. Sen. Merkley is one of the few who voted against further aid to Israel last week. It is a dark time for those of us who recognize America’s complicity.  How I loath the gutlessness of our Congress, and how so many there are afraid of having a developed conscience.

This is why we fight this latest great outburst of American military sweep abroad. I only wish that there were more of us that would…as otherwise this is why we despair.

Watch it:  “This is Why We Fight”: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oLSOzcEQjiE

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Here I am once again, shaking with anger on the bus after nearly being run over as I walked to the bus stop. I’ve heard all the refrains about how pedestrians take their safety into their own hands, should wear bright colors, and definitely make sure the driver sees and acknowledges you. Trust me when I say I’ve taken that all to heart and do my best to be a visible and thoughtful pedestrian. When it is the middle of the afternoon on a clear day and I am wearing a BRIGHT YELLOW COAT: driver, you do NOT have any right to be flummoxed or indignant when I scream “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU” as you come within inches of my body in the middle of the crosswalk. To say that this experience is pretty distressing is an understatement, but it happens with such regularity that it has become a part of my commute routine. My daily dose of flight or fight, stress hormones coursing through my body. I wish there was a way for me to help you, driver, understand that you are in fact primarily responsible for not hitting people because you are driving a multi-ton maiming machine. If left turns at a 4-way stop are so difficult for you that you cannot see me in the middle of the crosswalk, perhaps you ought not to be driving at all. Know that I am disappointed in you, and so is every other person you know who has ever had the audacity to be a pedestrian in the middle of a crosswalk. I will make myself seen and heard every single time. Consider yourself acknowledged.

I would love to say nice things about Portland. I would like to say, isn't it grand that we abolished rent and poverty, and no one freezes or starves anymore. I would like to say, I am proud of how we have made values like inclusivity and accessibility into foundational practices, a stalwart pretext. I would like to say Portland lives up to the dream of itself, a pluralist beacon beyond privation.

But this is a city of pale heirs and company towns. Foul princelings govern ambivalently, divorced from any serious civic expertise so that only corruption guides their hand. Roads decay and bridgework in Bridgetown splays into boondoggle after boondoggle. Try as it might, the city's civic backbone struggles under captured leadership and insufficient resources. The city that works, hardly does. Of course our governance cannot imagine enduring solutions to our crises, both because they are ignorant blue-bloods, and because our presence in this region descends from logging enclaves. Just as the great forests swallowed their traces, we lay temporary foundations because permanence has never been a part of settler culture. Any alternative is considered too expensive.

I would love to say nice things about Portland. We will have to live up to our values, first.

A NOTE FROM THE I, ANONYMOUS EDITOR:

Hi, all! We here at the Mercury apologize for the lack of pithy rants and confessions lately in America's sweetest column, I, Anonymous! There's a currently a problem with a server that refuses to recognize the genius submissions you're sending in (probably because it's jealous), and the company that runs the servers are presently at a loss for explaining the problem. 🙄

That said, we expect this annoying situation to be fixed in the near future. In the meantime, you can still send your screeching, beautiful rants to anonymous@portlandmercury.com and we will put them on the site manually (and don't worry—your identity will never be revealed). You can also find this address on our regular submissions page.

Thanks for your patience with bullshit, overrated technology (and we could write a lengthy rant about this very topic, but won't, because it would be even more tedious than the people who write in complaining about bikes, homeless people, or who submit their poetry [NEVER submit poetry to I, Anonymous... what are you thinking??]), and we appreciate you!

Your friends at the Mercury ❤️

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First: everybody needs to look up Project 2025, which is a Christian and White Supremacist mandate for any conservative in office and includes using the government for prosletyzing. Second: this election is going to treat the country apart either way the cards fall. It’s already in the works. Finally: Portland’s liberal reputation was a trap to lure liberals to one area. The educational system in Oregon has dumbed down our children, with terrible graduation rates and other benchmarks. The dependency on OHP allows for the constant medication of people “for free” giving records profits to pharmaceutical companies, even as they artificially constrain supply of ADHD and other popular meds. The lack of providers means med management is being done by inexperienced therapists and recent grads operating out of small clinics that will disappear and have little accountability. Conservative investment groups from Washington and California and elsewhere are buying up apartment complexes or managing them so that prices go up which further excludes the majority of renters. The Portland Police are still butt-hurt about defunding so they have been working at 10% for the last 7 years, letting crime happen so the conservative news media can point to Portland as a wasteland. The show Portlandia was just propaganda to lure people here. Why? Because areas like Portland, Atlanta, Chicago, New York, Denver are going to be turned into Gaza style containments. It already happened at Standing Rock. That was the “dry run” for what is to come.

Please let’s remember all the humans killed in the name of God and His King of Peace, can I get an amen?

I know the ME says she died of something something "idiopathic" something something heart failure something something. But I also know that she was scheduled for a corrective procedure in your Portland facility for early last December which was cancelled at the last minute because you shit-canned your anesthesiologists in favor of a United Healthcare subsidiary from Tacoma called Sound Physicians who, it turns out, don't have any anesthesiologists. She also made the fatal error of having insurance through your insurance subsidiary. She trusted you guys, now she's dead. Of course the ME is going to say whatever is in your interest, that is, whatever you tell them to say. This is Portland after all, where image is everything and substance ain't worth a shit. Just thought I'd let you know you'll be hearing from her lawyer real soon. Fuck You.

Not a single friend has passed the $100 test. A long time friend asked to borrow money, so I gave him $100 despite the fact I'm borderline broke and homeless, because he's a good friend. He needed help with his mortgage. On the day I was supposed to visit him across the Couv, he decided to fly across the country. He needed $100 for his mortgage, then flew across the country. Supposedly. He told me this when I asked for his new address, which he still hasn't revealed. He knew I was coming that day. Now I'm $100 broker, and he acts like nothing strange happened. I'm a homeless, millenial vet; literally living in my car now, wishing I had $100 to buy essential equipment for the service business I'm starting. If you feel bad for me, don't - I'll overcome and triumph. You might even do business with me this year and be none the wiser. Just remember the $100 Friend Test and be wise about which friends you trust. You might be surprised. Surprised who is untrustworthy, and surprised who you should embrace more.

Thank you so much for looking out for us in our time of need. We've been so worried about being able to, well, do all those things that we love to do. It's so good to know that you have our back. Signed, PGE Shareholders. P.S. don't worry, we don't forget our friends: Your checks are in the mail.

You are a piece of work, Tootie. Wearing a fur coat to The Longest Night, a candlelight vigil for homeless people who had died the past year, couldn't be more tone deaf if the tone was Van Gogh and you cut off his other ear. I bet you wonder why you were the only speaker that night not to get applause at the end of your speech. FFS. I suppose I should be relieved that you left the top hat and monocle at home. Maybe next time you can really drive the point home by arriving to the event in a palanquin drawn by the poor whom you seem to despise so much.