Hey, three guesses as to which movie looks un-fucking-bearable:

Believe will be pop pap, but holy shit, can you imagine how amazing an actual documentary about Bieber would be? “Right, so then I peed in a bucket, and then I was all ‘Fuck Bill Clinton!’ but then I met Bill Clintonweird—and then I called a DJ a bitch and spat in his face, and then I spat in some fans’ faces, but then I was all, ‘Here, let me point a flashlight at women I want to bang, and then start a fight and call someone else a bitch,’ and then I took a girl to McDonald’s and banged her, and then, after my bodyguards had tackled this guy and he was on the ground, I kicked him, and then I was hella bored so I went to a brothel in Panama City, and then I went to a brothel in Rio, and then I was all ‘Oh shit! What if I get banging prostitutes in a brothel?’ So then I thought I would be able to sneak out of the brothel so long as I dressed up like a tiny little ghost, obviously, and just remember: Believe in yourself. Believe you can do anything if you set your mind to it.”

That movie? That movie I would watch the fuck out of.

With honor and distinction, Erik Henriksen served as the executive editor of the Portland Mercury from 2004 to 2020. He can now be found at henriksenactual.com.

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