DON’T BELIEVE THE HYPE Very important information has recently come to my attention. Some penguins are prostitutes. We all know humans do it. Some people will even show their boobs to a prison guard for a chocolate chip cookie, but penguins?! Those adorable animals dressed like banquet waiters who engage in Morgan Freeman-narrated lifelong monogomy? […]
Alex Falcone
Alex is a moderately attractive comedian and Internet celebrity. He writes about philosophy, robots, travel, and himself.
Posted inLuv
Dispatch From The Wedding-Industrial Complex: Dumb Expenses
We’re under budget on our Save The Dates. That’s good news. We’re spending money on pre-invitations to warn people that the real invitations are coming. That’s dumb. Save The Dates (STDs) are necessary because it would be ghastly to get invited to an event without being forewarned about the invitation’s arrival. We spent about $200 […]
Posted inSex
Mermaids Aren’t Sexy, Let’s Stop Objectifying Them
Not the actual tattoo in question. I met a guy yesterday with a giant, sexy mermaid tattoo on his bicep. He wasn’t a lonely sailor spending months at a time crewing a ship, the open ocean his only girlfriend. He was a diesel mechanic with ample access to non-fish women. Let’s all get together right […]
Posted inTech
Robot Apocalypse Update: Rat Brain Edition
Poor little fella, getting contextual ads in his dreams. Normally the thing that scares me most in science is robots, with their beady little eyes that hide sinisters “thoughts.” But now scientists are working on something even scarier than a bunch of servos and actuators bent on world domination, they’re connecting rat brains to the […]
Posted inPortland
Five More Acts of Unadulterated Awesomeness
Welcome to episode two of my continuing effort to document Portland’s small victories and unsung heroes. [1] Tiny giraffe chained to the street.In my last episode, I mentioned how much joy I get out of the tiny horses chained to the street. Alert reader Virginia sent me this picture of a tiny giraffe chained up […]
Posted inTech
What Would You Do With Google’s New Face Computer?
Last week Google finally showed us what Google Glass might look like in action. The Lavar Burton-esque face computer is going to debut next year for the price of a high end laptop that you don’t have to wear. Here’s the video from the perspective of a rich person’s eyes: Basically you just speak to […]
Posted inMovies & TV
“Zero Dark Thirty” Can’t Track Down A Full Oscar
“Enhanced” Oscar voting method. By now the word has spread through the entire first world: Zero Dark Thirty failed to track down the Best Picture Oscar. Of course, the filmmakers knew that a while ago because they tortured the info out of the academy. It didn’t completely fail. Sure, it didn’t win best picture or […]
Posted inTech
Haven’t You Guys Seen The Internet?
Guess where I found this? The Internet! Last week Sports Illustrated released its annual Swimsuit Issue, featuring lots of pictures of women in swimsuits. “Who cares?” I thought. It’s like the Victoria’s Secret catalog, completely outdated in the modern era. But I was wrong. The issue brings in over a billion dollars a year. What […]
Posted inTech
Robot Apocalypse Update: Tentacle of Doom
Humanoid robots are progressing by leaps and bounds, getting closer every day to replacing loving, wonderful human beings with cold, unfeeling machines. But there’s one area of robotics you probably haven’t read much about: creepy robotic tentacles. Unlike robots that pretend they’re here to help, the tentacle is only interested in taunting us and reminding […]
Posted inOh, You Kids!
The Portland Aquarium: Two Months In
Sarah Mirk wrote about this when it opened but I’d like to add my two cents. Specifically how it feels like the whole thing was built for about two cents. I love aquariums (aquaria?) more than almost anything and this one is not without charm. Watch crabs crawl over each other and not get caught […]
Posted inComedy
Rules for Comedians
When I checked in at the casino I was performing at the other day, I was handed this note. I’m used to stern talks from managers about what I can / can’t say, especially at casinos, but this is my favorite so far. Grammar aside, I’m pretty bummed about not being able to act out […]
Posted inFood and Drink
Dispatch From The Wedding Industrial Complex: Cake Tasting
I know the words “cake tasting” sound like the making for a perfect day, but the truth is a bit fuzzier. It’s not all buttercreams and smiles. First, there is very little cake present at a cake tasting; I did three tastings in four hours last weekend and I didn’t get a half a piece […]