Elinor Jones

Good morning, Trash Pandas! I’ve missed you. Welcome to The Trash Report, where I will guide you through some things that happened recently in the news, peppering in my own colorful commentary. Will you chuckle? Guffaw? A slight smirk, perhaps? I sure hope so! If I can’t be funny I’ll have to start being pretty, […]

What’s happening, hot stuffs? Welcome to The Trash Report: President’s Day Edition! Today we’ll be asking the hottest question: WWGWD? Yes, Trash Pandas, that’s What Would George Washington do? Warning: the Founding Fathers were problematic to say the least, so he will be a bad judge. Today is one of those holidays that some employers […]

Hello, everyone! Happy Super Bowl hangover day to whomever celebrates; I don’t, so I’m normal today, just dumb for the same ol’ reasons. Can you believe it’s almost Valentine’s Day? Or maybe it actually is Valentine’s Day, depending on when you read this! Personally, I like that candy has shattered the limitations placed on it […]

Hello, Trash Pandas! Another week is beginning, which means that another scoop of garbage and gossip (garsip?) shall be presented to you here in the Trash Report. Wow, January is finally over! Can you believe it? And we even got our first taste of fake Spring— I spent several hours outside yesterday and my cheeks […]

Hello, and welcome to the Trash Report! I’m Elinor Jones and I will be serving as your guide to some random crap I found online to momentarily distract you from actual news, which is very sad, but also very important—please go back to that after you read this! These few minutes that we have together […]

How do you do, fellow Trash Pandas?  I am Elinor Jones, and this is…THE TRASH REPORT. Like many of you, I spent much of the past week iced into my home with my beloved family, anxiously refreshing the weather app on my phone to see when these people whom I love so dearly would get […]

Hello, darling Trash Pandas, and welcome to THE TRASH REPORT! I’m Elinor Jones, coming to you live from as much chapstick and leave-in conditioner as I can get my hands on, because my Oregonian ass cannot handle this cold dryness. The power was out at my house for about six hours on Saturday, serving as […]

Happy new year, darling baby Trash Pandas! Welcome to the first Trash Report of 2024. The changing of the year is always a great time on social media, when the worst people you’ve ever known profess exactly the wrong goals for the coming year. The meanest and messiest people are planning to rise above toxicity […]

To celebrate 2023 being over, let’s revisit some of my favorite bits of trash from this series of months that we have miraculously survived! January M&Ms just released a new package that only has the girl candies on it. This is confusing and enraging to a certain category of people whose beef with it seems […]

Listen up, sluts: it’s me, Elinor Jones, bringing you another Trash Report despite the fact that Al Gore’s internet is full of SALES, SALES, SALES, and all I want to do is SPENDDDDDD MONEYYYYYYY! Every time I fire up my laptop I accidentally do zero work but buy four sweaters; science can’t actually explain it; […]