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Elinor Jones

Elinor Jones writes the gossip column, THE TRASH REPORT, as well as movie reviews, and dinosaur stuff. She likes your lipstick.
Posted inThe Trash Report

THE TRASH REPORT: Bad and Better Billionaires, Connor Roy v. Pizza, and Relationship-a-palooza!

Let’s go, trash pandas! It’s time for the week’s stinkiest gossip!
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Good morning, Trash Pandas! Welcome to another Trash Report. I’m Elinor Jones, still dazzled by yesterday’s matinee of the Portland Gay Men’s Chorus holiday show, “Make the Yuletide Gay.” I’m feeling all sorts of festive and honestly? I’m a little bummed that Twitter is an unusable incel circle jerk, because I used to like thinking […]

Posted inThe Trash Report

THE TRASH REPORT: Spotify Thinks I’m Basic but Gay, Paris Isn’t Just a DJ, and George Santos is Laughing All the Way to Unlimited OnlyFans

Let’s go, Trash Pandas! It’s time to root around in this week’s hottest gossip.
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Hello, Trash Pandas! I’m Elinor Jones, and this is…THE TRASH REPORT. Did anything cool happen to you last week? Please do not hesitate to let me know! Until I can report on your newsworthy events or victories, I’ll have to write about the broader dumpster fire that is contemporary American life. I promise, I won’t […]

Posted inThe Trash Report

THE TRASH REPORT: School is Back, Beyonce’s Here, Cher Came to Party, and Hall Still Loves Oates

Rubber gloves on—it’s time to dig through this week’s most garbage-y gossip.
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Good morning, sweet angels of garbage! Welcome to another round of silliness in this Trash Report. I’m the blob of leftover mashed potatoes formerly known as Elinor Jones. Thanksgiving is over and now it is Christmas for a month. Hey, why is it everyone is quick to make fun of people who celebrate “birthday month,” […]

Posted inThe Trash Report

THE TRASH REPORT: Old Politicians, Old Influencers, Old Beefs, and Me!

Put on your elastic waist pants—we’re gobbling down the week’s most delicious trash.
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What’s up, Trash Pilgrims, and Happy Thanksgiving week! I’m Elinor Jones, AKA Pie Slut #1. Now, today is technically Monday in that it’s the first day of the work week, but spiritually it’s Wednesday because there are only two more days left in the work week. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday in practice. but one […]

Posted inHoliday Guide 2023

The Great Santa Debate

Should you confess to your kids about Santa? The pros and cons of the biggest lie of the holiday season.
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What to do about the big jolly guy in the room? With the world what it is (bad), the decision on whether or not to have children is a big one, and one that should not be made lightly. Because guess what? After you make that initial decision, you’re immediately faced with a bunch MORE […]

Posted inThe Trash Report

THE TRASH REPORT: Tim Scott Is Excited to Spend Time With His Very Real Girlfriend, Teachers’ Strike Drags on, and Animal News You Can Animal Use

Grab those rubber gloves—it’s time to dig through the trash.
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Hello, and welcome to another The Trash Report! I’m Elinor Jones, here to distract you from the horrors of the world with some news that’s less “aaaaaagggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” and more “ha ha.” That’s the goal, anyway. Did I succeed? Read on! (But if the answer is no, keep it to yourself.) Whose Schools? Our Schools! …Eventually, […]

Posted inThe Trash Report

THE TRASH REPORT: On Republican D-Bags, Bagpipes, and Celebrity Halloween Horrors

Time to dig deep into the waste receptacle of week’s filthiest gossip.
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Hi, everyone! Another week, another crop of garbage to comb through in this here Trash Report. I’m Elinor Jones, making things awkward since… gosh, for a long time now! I’m what we’ll politely call “seasoned.” If you wonder why I’m not a better writer by now, believe me, that makes many of us! But I’ll […]

Posted inThe Trash Report

THE TRASH REPORT: George Santos’ Stolen Baby, Jada Pinkett Whathisname, and Don’t Even Think About Texting Dolly Parton. And Taylor Swift, Obviously.

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What’s up, besties? It’s me, Elinor Jones, here with your weekly dose of news and gossip and cute stories. I don’t know about you, but I have been very sad lately! Hopefully the next few minutes together can provide you the briefest respite from the beginning of the end. Let’s Trash Report this bitch. The […]

Posted inThe Trash Report

THE TRASH REPORT: Bennifer Drama, Leonardo DiCaprio Over-Complicated Car Sitch, Pacey is Back on the Market, and Pugs Will Help You Through This

Get on your rubber gloves—it’s time to dig through the hottest, trashiest gossip of the week!
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Good morning, Trash Pandas! This is Elinor Jones, welcoming you to another week of The Trash Report. I hope that you enjoyed this summery fall weekend in a way that was like “gosh, it’s so pleasant out!” and not “a gorgeous day such as this in October is certainly a sign of the end of […]

Posted inThe Trash Report

THE TRASH REPORT: Shutdown Averted, Living and Dying Icons, and How Elinor Jones Learned About Sports

Line up, gossip lovers! It’s time to take out the trash!
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Yoohoo! Welcome to the Trash Report. I’m Elinor Jones (AKA Mother Trash Panda) here with the latest of some stuff I found that I want to write about because nothing makes me happier than seeing (sensing) you happy. There’s a lot of nonsense out there, and I want to make fun of it! Get in, […]

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