Elinor Jones

Hello, and Happy Monday! Welcome to the Trash Report. I’m your friend, Elinor Jones, possibly shouting into the void because I feel like a lot of you are on a long holiday weekend and might be enjoying your lives instead of staring at one of your rectangles on this Monday morning. You’re gonna do what […]

Hello friends, enemies, and fellow Cancers, with whom I vibe very strongly and complicatedly, as is our nature; it’s our season!! I’m going to be honest with you: I know very little about astrology. I know that I was born between late June and late July and that some ancient beings/contemporary Instagram girlies determined that […]

Hiyeee, Trash Pandas, and welcome to another Trash Report! I’m Elinor Jones, your cutest guide to a bunch of silly things I read about that I’d like to share with you. You may be asking, but what is this for? Fair question. My answer to that is, what is anything for? You ever watch a […]

What light through yonder dumpster breaks? It is the East, and I, Elinor Jones, am the sun, and this is The Trash Report, and you are my Trash Pandas, and this is how it’s going to go: I’m going to write about some news and gossip that I read about in other places, and I’ll […]

Hello my little Trash Pandas, and welcome to The Trash Report! It’s your girl, Elinor Jones, coming to you live from a rainbow T-shirt I bought at Target, which is not an act of defiance (or even really allyship, because capitalism is inherently harmful to marginalized communities), but it is kinda cool that wearing said […]

Good morning, Trash Pandas, and welcome to another Trash Report! It’s me, Elinor Jones, ready to either hold your earrings or hold back your hair, depending on how the week goes. Let’s not waste another second! And I know I’m always joking about this column being stanky, but I’m putting an actual content warning on […]

Hello, my sweet baby Trash Pandas! If nobody has told you yet today, you are a darling goblin whose mere existence dramatically increases global average human sexiness by several points, and I cherish you. Welcome to my column, The Trash Report, where I will try (and probably fail) to deserve your time with the rottenest […]

Hello, and happy new week to all of you gorgeous Trash Pandas! It’s your girl, Elinor Jones, and you’re reading THE TRASH REPORT. I hope that you, like me, drank too much yesterday but didn’t wear enough sunscreen and are hungover and a little sunburned today. If you’re gonna Monday, at least do it with […]

Hellooooo, Trash Pandas! It’s me, your best friend Elinor Jones, coming at you with a steaming hot pile of gossip, news, and nonsense. I’m writing it while on every over-the-counter allergy medicine I could get my dexterous little paws on, so if the quality is worse than you’re used to, blame this lush and verdant […]

Hello, my beloved Trash Pandas! The weekend was warm, and you know what that means: the dumpsters are rank as hell, and the garbage of the day is going to infiltrate your nostrils and stay there for a while. And of course, by “garbage of the day,” I mean this column, and by “your nostrils” […]