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Elinor Jones

Elinor Jones writes the gossip column, THE TRASH REPORT, as well as movie reviews, and dinosaur stuff. She likes your lipstick.
Posted inThe Trash Report

THE TRASH REPORT: Sports, Divorce, Hip-Hop, Bangs, and How I’m Just Like Emily Ratajkowski

Time to get elbow deep in this week’s roundup of garbage-y gossip!
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How do you do, fellow kids? Welcome your weekly roundup of the juiciest in news and gossip in this here Trash Report, brought to you by me, Elinor Jones, taking a break from incessantly texting my friends about whether or not I should cut my bangs again to write this column; I hope you can […]

Posted inThe Trash Report

THE TRASH REPORT: Mysteries Unearthed! Who’s Getting Divorced, Who’s Getting Old, and Who’s Farting at the Airport?

Clear your plate for a heapin’ helpin’ of the latest garbage-y gossip!
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Hello there, sexy things. It’s another week, and thusly, another Trash Report. You may notice that this Trash Report is coming to you a day late, and that is because I am one of many workers who got to enjoy yesterday off in honor of Labor Day. Thank you, Unions, for your hard and disruptive […]

Posted inThe Trash Report

THE TRASH REPORT: The Bad Men, the Bog Man, Scooter Braun, and Questionable Commuting Foods

Put on your hazmat suit—it’s time for this week’s stinkiest, trashiest gossip.
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What’s happening, Trash Pandas? Welcome to another edition of THE TRASH REPORT. I am Elinor Jones, here to lovingly yell at you about some weird things happening in the news in an attempt to make them funny, thus brightening your day (with the humor) and my day (with the validation). What’s the point of living […]

Posted inThe Trash Report

THE TRASH REPORT: In Which I Spiral Into Climate Depression Like a Tornado or a Tropical Depression. Also, Otters, Britney, and Rudy Giuliani!

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Helllooooo, Trash Pandas! Welcome back to another edition of your favorite web-based news and humor column from an alternative weekly from a midsized American city, also known as: THE TRASH REPORT! I’m Elinor Jones, and I finally got my first sunburn of the summer this past weekend. I slid it in just under the wire, […]

Posted inThe Trash Report

THE TRASH REPORT: Pudding Fingers in Iowa, Crocodiles Want to Eat Babies, and the Importance of Headline Writing in Web-based Media

Let’s go, trash pandas! It’s time to get elbow-deep in this week’s bin of hot gossip.
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Hello, Trash Pandas! Welcome to another Trash Report. I’m your best friend, Elinor Jones, here to make little quips about all the latest in news and gossip and hopefully make you smile a little bit during another grim week of reality. If you aren’t in the mood to smile, I get it—all you have to […]

Posted inThe Trash Report

The Trash Report: The OC Turns 20, Pence is Getting Nasty (uh oh!), Reality Stars are Unionizing, and Guess Where Whoopi Goldberg Doesn’t Want to Have Sex?

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Hello, angel baby Trash Pandas! ‘Tis I, Elinor Jones, here with the freshest news and gossip in this here Trash Report. Usually this is the hottest month of the year but it’s been unseasonably pleasant outside, meaning the dumpsters aren’t quite as rank and steamy as one would expect. Don’t worry: I’ve still found some […]

Posted inGood Morning, News!

Good Morning, News: Tracking Intel’s Growth, an Earthquake at Oregon’s Coast, Trump’s Indictments, and Remembering the President With a Pet Raccoon

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The Mercury provides news and fun every single day—but your help is essential. If you believe Portland benefits from smart, local journalism and arts coverage, please consider making a small monthly contribution, because without you, there is no us. Thanks for your support! Good morning, Portland! On this day 100 years ago, Calvin Coolidge became […]

Posted inGood Morning, News!

Good Morning, News: Wolves Return to Oregon’s Coast, Sun Bears at a China Zoo … Maybe, and RIP Paul Reubens.

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The Mercury provides news and fun every single day—but your help is essential. If you believe Portland benefits from smart, local journalism and arts coverage, please consider making a small monthly contribution, because without you, there is no us. Thanks for your support! GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! You’re all looking like you recently cried due to […]

Posted inThe Trash Report

THE TRASH REPORT: Let Barbie Live, Let Mitch McConnell…you know…, and Brad Pitt Keeps Trying to Make Us Forget He Sucks

Gather ’round, Trash Pandas! It’s time for this week’s hot takes and latest gossip.
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Howdy, Trash Pandas! It’s me, Elinor Jones, coming at you with another TRASH REPORT. I’ll start with the BEST news (for you), which is that 100% of the lingering zen from my vacation has faded so I’m as anxious and freaked out as ever! You know what I think would be fun? To navigate this […]

Posted inThe Trash Report

THE TRASH REPORT: Barbie Makes the Worst People Mad, Celebrity Divorce Updates/Predictions, and Marine Apex Predator Vengeance

Time for this week’s hot gossip grind! 
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Hihihihihihihi! I missed you! I didn’t put out a Trash Report last week because I was on a legit vacation, which was wonderful, but I barely kept up on any news while I was away, so now all the relaxing I did on vacation is mooted by how hard I have to work to get […]

Posted inThe Trash Report

THE TRASH REPORT: White Lines at the White House, Icky Actors, and Camel News You Can Camel-Use

Let’s go, Trash Pandas! It’s time to dig elbow-deep in some garbage-y gossip!
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Hello, my precious Trash Pandas, and welcome to another week of garbage with the Trash Report! I’m Elinor Jones, your best friend, here to share some silly things that made me laugh this week. I’m lucky to write for such smart and attractive readers, and you deserve the best. To be clear, I’m not the […]

Posted inThe Trash Report

THE TRASH REPORT: Old Lady Yells at Baseball, Supreme Court, James Cameron, and… Perms? PERMS!

Time for another EXPLOSIVE edition of the gossip column that really hates fireworks.
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Hello, and Happy Monday! Welcome to the Trash Report. I’m your friend, Elinor Jones, possibly shouting into the void because I feel like a lot of you are on a long holiday weekend and might be enjoying your lives instead of staring at one of your rectangles on this Monday morning. You’re gonna do what […]

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