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Elinor Jones

Elinor Jones writes the gossip column, THE TRASH REPORT, as well as movie reviews, and dinosaur stuff. She likes your lipstick.
Posted inThe Trash Report

Smoking is Officially Not Cool Anymore, Hugh Grant Isn’t Cool Either, Thirst Traps are Still Cool, and Bird News You Can Bird Use

Let’s go, Trash Pandas! It’s time for the week’s hottest goss from THE TRASH REPORT.
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

Hello, and welcome to the Trash Report! I’m your best friend, Elinor Jones, also known as “Portland’s Best Kept Secret.” (Trying this out—it worked for Rod Tidwell in Jerry Maguire, maybe it will also help me to land an enhanced NFL contract?) I hope you’re having a great day so far, and I hope to […]

Posted inGood Afternoon, News!

Good Afternoon, News: City Council Game Shows, Unemployment Numbers Still Low, and Valentine’s Day 2046 is Gonna Be Lit

Avatar photo Elinor Jones

The Mercury provides news and fun every single day—but your help is essential. If you believe Portland benefits from smart, local journalism and arts coverage, please consider making a small monthly contribution, because without you, there is no us. Thanks for your support! Good afternoon, Portland, and Happy International Women’s Day! I invite you to […]

Posted inThe Trash Report

Russell Brand’s Gross New Friend, Lady Gaga’s Dogs, Estrogen in the Water, and 144 New Cop Cars

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How do you do, fellow Trash Pandas? I’m really happy that we’re on the other side of the -ember and -uary months, which means it’s almost Spring, which means it’s almost Summer, and my birthday. There’s plenty of time to shop, is what I’m saying. I’m your best raccoon friend Elinor Jones and the following […]

Posted inThe Trash Report

Weather is Trash, Mark Wahlberg has an App for That, Millennials are Old, and Keiko’s Legacy

Let’s dig in to the latest local and national hot gossip with THE TRASH REPORT!
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

Brrrbrrr br brr brrrrr brrrrr! Oops, sorry, let me try that again: Welcome to the Trash Report! I’m Elinor Jones, taking a break from trying to convince my pug that she can walk on ice to write some jokes about current events for you, my sweet trash pandas. Let’s go! Weather is Trash I’m writing […]

Posted inThe Trash Report

The Truth About President’s Day, Smart Cops, Good Celebs, and Yes, I *Am* Young, Thanks

Hear ye! Hear ye! Lend us your ears for the latest garbage-y gossip from THE TRASH REPORT!
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

Hello, Trash Pandas, and happy President’s Day! One might think that President’s Day is kind of a trash holiday, so in fitting with this column, I’ve done a little research about it for you (skip this part if you don’t care about history): President’s Day is officially called Washington’s Birthday, in honor of George Washington, […]

Posted inThe Trash Report

The Mike Pence Raid, The Mitt Romney Scold, The Ashton Kutcher Charmlessness Defense, and Cocaine Dolphins (I Wish)

Chooo-chooo! Hop on the hot garbage gossip train with this week’s edition of THE TRASH REPORT.
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

How do you do, fellow Trash Pandas? It’s your old pal Elinor Jones here with the latest in news and nonsense. Where to even start? Well, Valentine’s Day is tomorrow and if you haven’t planned anything yet, there is still time to submit a Mercury reader valentine! Nothing says romance like something free and last-minute. […]

Posted inThe Trash Report

Balloons Are Boring, Portland Sucks (Or Does It?), and a Cat that Looks Like Matt Damon

Hear ye! Hear ye! Get the latest gossipy garbage with THE TRASH REPORT.
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

What’s happening, Trash Pandas? I’m Elinor Jones, and I’ve rounded up some of the best, silliest, stankiest garbage from around the webs and listed them here for you in this column, which is called…THE TRASH REPORT! Please don your cutest protective gear and dive in with me, okay? Balloons, Schmalloons At the time of this […]

Posted inThe Trash Report

Rick Astley and Yung Gravy Battle for Ear Worm Rights, Plus Buzz Aldrin, Fireball, and Taylor Swift (i.e. My Kind of Party!)

It’s THE TRASH REPORT: All the latest hot gossip—plus an incredible number of Rick Astley references.
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Hiyeeeee. It’s me, Elinor Jones, hoping you’ve all had a great week. If you’re reading this, it means you survived, which is high praise in this gun-ridden shithole of a country. If your heart’s been aching and you’re too shy to say it, I hear you, I love you, and I’ve prepared for you this […]

Posted inThe Trash Report

Monkey Business, Monica Lewinsky, Protein Thefts, and Being Cool and Slutty

Time to dig deep into the gossip dumpster with this week’s edition of THE TRASH REPORT.
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Hello, friends! Hello, enemies! Hello, people about whom I feel indifferent! I hope you had a nice weekend that left you refreshed and ready to dig through the dumpsters with me, your pal (or enemy?) Elinor Jones in this here Trash Report. Monkey Business I mentioned this story last week in Good Afternoon, News, but […]

Posted inGood Afternoon, News!

Good Afternoon, News: Wildfire Funding, Measure 110’s Unclear Success, and Updates on Monkeys (the Animal) and Seal (the Human)

Avatar photo Elinor Jones

The Mercury provides news and fun every single day—but your help is essential. If you believe Portland benefits from smart, local journalism and arts coverage, please consider making a small monthly contribution, because without you, there is no us. Thanks for your support! Good afternoon, Portland! Starting tomorrow, the sun will set after 5 pm, […]

Posted inGood Afternoon, News!

Good Afternoon, News: Portland Parks Troubles, How to (Not) Fight Infectious Disease, and Why French Women Don’t Die Young

Avatar photo Elinor Jones

The Mercury provides news and fun every single day—but your help is essential! If you believe Portland benefits from smart, local journalism and arts coverage, please consider making a small monthly contribution, because with you, there is no us. Thanks for your support! Good afternoon, Portland! I know you’re used to seeing me over at […]

Posted inThe Trash Report

Drunk at the Globes, the Fight for Gas Appliances and Horny Candy, and Why I’ll Never Read Again (Kidding! Kind of.)

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What’s happening, hot stuff? Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. day to everybody! It’s Elinor Jones, back at ya with another Trash Report, where my vibe is very Oscar the Grouch in reaction to all the garbage that’s piled up this week: 😍 https://t.co/b6z543FfOE — Oscar the Grouch (@OscarTheGrouch) January 12, 2023 The Overserved Globes The […]

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