Elinor Jones

Happy New Year, Trash Pandas! I know I’m late to say that, but it’s the first time we’ve talked in 2023, so it works. It’s like when you’re home for the holidays and your parents say “good morning” to you when you roll out of bed even though it’s 1 pm. The past few weeks […]

Happy Christmas hangover day, my grimy Trash Pandas! It’s me, Elinor Jones. I’m currently on vacation, but I knew I would have a horrible time sipping margaritas and getting a suntan knowing that all of you are starving for content, so I’ve put together this wonderful best-of-the-year column to tide you over. We experienced so […]

Raise up, Trash Pandas! I’m Elinor Jones, here with your Trash Report. This is the week every year where I ceremonially throw away the eggnog that my partner bought as soon as it hit the shelves, took one sip of, and then let fester in the fridge. I’m sharing that anecdote because the eggnog has […]

Hellooooo, Trash Panda family! Welcome back to the Trash Report. I’m your host, Elinor Jones. Lately I’ve been wondering if I should get on TikTok or if it would be too embarrassing because I’m 40, and I’m also really struggling with the return of baggy jeans where the bottoms drag on the ground, because we […]

Happy Monday, Trash Pandas! I hope you all enjoyed your weekend. (Did you know I usually write this column on Fridays to be published on Mondays so when I write things like “happy Monday” in a way I’m kind of predicting the future? Trippy!) Welcome to The Trash Report. I’m Elinor Jones, and there’s a […]

Hello Trash Pandas, and welcome to another round of steaming hot goss in this here Trash Report. I’m writing it as my child is blasting Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You,” making me really question both why I let her use my phone, why I taught her how to use Spotify, and […]

Hello, sweet baby Trash Panda angels! It’s me, Elinor Jones, and this is my column, The Trash Report, which I’ve written from the inside of a gigantic mound of blankets. My hands are wearing several pairs of gloves so typing has taken a very long time. I hope it’s worth it! I think it will […]

Hello, Trash Pandas! Welcome back to the Trash Report. It’s me, Elinor Jones, who some have said is just three raccoons in a trench coat, but if that were true, could I do this: *opens a jar using my opposable digits.* I’ve done my best to find garbage for you that will be fun to […]

What’s up, Trash Pandas! Tomorrow is election day. I’m freaking out! Vote! Make your friends vote! Follow this guide! AHAHAHAHHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRGGGGGGGHHHH. Phew. Sorry. The rest of this column will be written with the assumption that everything is going to be okay.  “Lollllllll no one likes you” The great tweet “Lollllll no one likes you” was sent […]

Helloooooooo, trash pandas! It’s me, Elinor Jones, coming at you from the bottom of the dumpster. Happy Halloween! My costume this year is “woman who isn’t losing it.” Is it working? Let’s see! I’ve worked extra hard on this week’s column because things out there are bleak and I need it as much as you […]

Hello Trash Pandas, and welcome back to another batch of trash from me, your friend Elinor Jones. Man, is anyone else just loving being able to breathe outside again?! What a treat! I’m very like, ahhhhhhh, taking big ol’ gulps like it’s almost closing time at the oxygen buffet. Like I’m going to have to […]

Hello, my sweet trash pandas! Another week is behind us, lost to the dusty chasm of time. Alas, another week is on the horizon, ripe with possibility! Will you live your best life yet? I hope so! For me, though, I’m going to focus back on that dusty chasm of time thing I was talking […]