Frank Cassano

FRANK CASSANO Hello, fuckwit. Let’s see what the Blogtown retards got up to this week. • Mercury Editor-in-Chief Wm. Steven Humphrey reported on a gruesome local maiming… in order talk about that one time he got high. Keep saving some wall space for that Pulitzer, imbecile! • Marjorie Skinner noted that Portland is on GQ‘s […]

FRANK CASSANO While most of Portland’s navel-gazing shitbirds are out farting around in the spring weather, the asthmatic, anemic ding-a-lings culpable for Blogtown are gleefully sitting in their squalid office under a bank of florescent lights, flailing away at their little keyboards in the futile hope that something coherent will result. And thus: Another week’s […]

FRANK CASSANO Let us get this over with. • Sarah Mirk nattered on about the World Naked Bike Ride. Like a pervert, she took pictures; like a stupid pervert, she left her camera in her unattended bike bag, which was promptly stolen. Ha! Imbecile. • Ezra “Ace” Caraeff enjoyed a rare, brief moment of success […]

FRANK CASSANO While these diarrhetic Mercury imbeciles shit out their so-called “content” on a constant basis, would they do so if there weren’t swarms of happy readers, eager to gobble it up? No, they would not. Like a starving, bald, blind runt of a baby bird, squawking for something—anything—to be dropped into its screeching mouth, […]

FRANK CASSANO No, I did not attend the Mercury‘s fruity little “Blogtown meetup.” Unlike you shitstains, I have better things to do than spend time with (A) the imbeciles who “write” the Mercury, or (B) the imbeciles who “read” the Mercury. It’s fantastic you cretins had a delightful time, though. Let’s see if this “Atomic” […]

FRANK CASSANO In the months, days, and hours leading to my brother’s birth, I repeatedly, loudly urged my mother to submit to common sense and get an abortion. Be it in a doctor’s office or a dumpster made no difference, I insisted, so long as it was done. Alas, my pleas fell on ditzy, hormone-addled, […]

Howdy-doody-doo, everybody! Allow me to introduce myself: My name is Hank Cassano, and as you can probably tell from my last name, I’m Frank Cassano’s younger and prettier brother! 🙂 Ha! LOL! Kidding! I josh my big bro all the time, ‘cuz he’s so gosh-darn funny! “Hey, look at me! I’m Mr. Grumpy Pants Frank!” […]

FRANK CASSANO Yes, it’s Saturday. Yes, these posts usually go up on Friday. Congratulations, fucknut! Wasting your life by reading the internet on weekends has clearly honed your observational skills to razor-sharp perfection! • STOP THE MOTHERFUCKING PRESSES! SARAH MIRK FOUND HERSELF A SCOOP! “McDonald’s is a good place to find politically apathetic people.” Imbecile. […]

FRANK CASSANO Having finally been evicted from their current offices, the Mercury imbeciles are relocating downtown, where they will no doubt fit right in with that area’s proud community of crack-hobos and toddler prostitutes. Godspeed, shitbirds! • Marjorie Skinner, having accidentally posted something moderately amusing, quickly compensated by uploading an endless series of photographs showing […]

FRANK CASSANO Blogtown: The worst thing on the internet since kiddie porn. • The painfully out-of-touch Marjorie Skinner blithely equated ugly shoes with terrorism. Congratulations, Ms. Skinner! Your consistent efforts to take the “news” out of “newspaper” are finally paying off. • As a rule, I do not actually read anything “written” by Ezra “Ace” […]

FRANK CASSANO Like the colicky infants of inbreds, the Mercury imbeciles continue to screech incessantly about nothing in particular, desperate for anyone to pay them heed. Do not. • Noted anti-Semite Alison Hallett inspired an insipid comment thread in which Blogtown’s navel-gazers giddily engaged in a simpering hand-wringing contest. • Ezra “Ace” Caraeff ceased whimpering […]