Frank Cassano

FRANK CASSANO Congratulations, shitlip! No doubt due to some painful chafing, you’ve managed to pull yourself away from your favorite porno site for five goddamn minutes. God forbid you leave the cold glow of your computer monitor, however, to go outdoors or talk to a live person—which perhaps explains why, like a drooling halfwit, you’ve […]

FRANK CASSANO Another week, another half-assed clusterfuck of a blog. Let’s get this insipid bullshit over with. • Once again, Marjorie Skinner posted what appears to be every single moment of a television show made exclusively for trust-funded teenage girls and elderly homosexuals. • Erik Henriksen wrote an excellent post that reminds us all—once again, […]

FRANK CASSANO Evening, turds. It was another banner week for Blogtown—which means no one read it, even fewer commenters said anything worthwhile, and the imbeciles tasked with running it shamelessly cut and pasted actual content from other, less depressing places on internet. Congratulations all around, halfwit dicklickers! • The prudish Sarah Mirk watched eight hours […]

FRANK CASSANO I’m on vacation this week, you imbecile. Oh, no, you might have to find something else to read! Here. This seems relevant to your interests.

FRANK CASSANO Earlier this week, the Mercury‘s imbecilic managers called me into their failing publication’s squalid offices. There they asked me to “reevaluate” the way I was running the Mercury‘s Twitter feed. I listened to their constructive criticism, took several moments to consider it, and then informed the pencil-necked dweebs that they should shut their […]

FRANK CASSANO • Wm. Steven Humphrey squirted his panties when Sam Elliott showed up at the Mercury offices. In related news, I met with Mr. Elliott shortly thereafter at the nearby Magic Gardens; I’ll let you slack-jawed cretins decide who showed Sam a better time. And some taint. • As she has done since time […]

FRANK CASSANO Afternoon, dick ticklers. Let’s see how the Mercury fuckwits squandered your not-so-precious time this week. • A “think piece” from Alison Hallett? HA! Good one, you navel-gazing airhead! You will die alone and your cat will eat your body. • During one of his many lonely walks, Wm. Steven Humphrey saw some hobos […]

FRANK CASSANO Evening, shit turds. I won’t keep you long, as I imagine you’re eager to get a jump on your exciting Labor Day weekend plans—which are no doubt jam-packed with hours of you, alone, sitting on your fat ass and reading the goddamn internet. • After a too-brief absence, Wm. Steven Humphrey returned—which, naturally, […]

FRANK CASSANO “Waaah, waaaah, WAAAAH. Why wasn’t there a ‘Frank Cassano’s Blogtown in Review’ last week? WAAAAAH!” So whined several dozen nauseating emails that were forwarded to me by that ass Wm. Steven Humphrey, who then saw fit to add, “Hi Frank! Might be a good idea to let ’em know you’re ok? Yer pal, […]

FRANK CASSANO Evening, fucknuggets. Let’s look back on Blogtown’s week that was! Alternatively, you dull-eyed halfwits could better spend your humiliating amounts of free time doing literally anything else. • Ezra “Ace” Caraeff (poorly) feigned outrage after being sent an unsolicited email about soap. Take the hint, ass, and get in the goddamn shower for […]