Frank Cassano

FRANK CASSANO • In a thinly veiled admission of defeat and failure, Mercury Editor-in-Chief Wm. Steven Humphrey begged to be put out of his misery. (What are you waiting for, cretins? Cut off the head, and the body will follow.) • Once again demonstrating her ability to annoy the living shit out of anyone, regardless […]

FRANK CASSANO • Denis C. Theriault posted his usual number of stupefyingly boring stories this week, inexplicably choosing to illustrate one of them with an utterly irrelevant photograph of Commissioner Amanda Fritz attempting to shake hands with a newspaper box. ATTN. MS. FRITZ: INANIMATE OBJECTS CANNOT VOTE. • Marjorie Skinner proudly announced that the Mercury […]

FRANK CASSANO Welcome back, shitbirds. • Curious about the state of the newspaper industry? Witness Wm. Steven Humphrey humiliatingly begging for you to attend the Mercury‘s crappy yard sale. (One thing that won’t be for sale? This rose, given to me by the sensually intoxicating Steph Stricklen.) • Displaying a degree of retard-thusiasm she usually […]

FRANK CASSANO Unlike you shitstains—who apparently have nothing but time to waste—I’m a busy man. Let’s get this over with so I can get back to my Barney Miller DVDs. • Alison Hallett interviewed some whiny ballerinas and ballerinos who—when they aren’t adjusting their dance belts—are attempting to replace the Mercury as Portland’s least-relevant publication. […]

FRANK CASSANO ATTN. SHITSTACHES: Why are you here? Are your computers broken? Are you incapable of navigating to any blogs that aren’t fucking awful? • Ned Lannamann was forced to write about a band people have actually heard of. Naturally, he found the experience excruciating. • Tony Perez advocated the drowning of kittens. • Sarah […]

FRANK CASSANO Jesus shitting christ, they’re still at it. • Wm. Steven Humphrey asked, “Whose Desk Drawer Would You Like to Snoop Inside?“, then revealed what was in Alison Hallett’s desk. Like the Mercury, its contents were underwhelming and inane. • Ezra “Ace” Caraeff got his American Apparel panties in a bunch over the fact […]

FRANK CASSANO Like the persistent strain of herpes bestowed upon me by an Old Town whore on February 14 of 1996, the cretins at the Mercury refuse to realize when they’re not wanted. Here’s how they wasted everyone’s time, electricity, and patience this week. • Amateur reporters Sarah Mirk and Denis C. Theriault combined their […]

FRANK CASSANO Greetings, ass. • The directionless Sarah Mirk pathetically begged Blogtown’s halfwit peanut gallery for advice on what to do with Mayor Sam Adams’ tie. Sadly, she ignored my personal recommendation, which involved a ceiling fan and an easily kickable chair. • Having exhausted topics related to Portland’s amateurish “arts” scene, Alison Hallett aimlessly […]

FRANK CASSANO Hello, shit for brains. As promised, I’m here to take you on another depressing tour of Blogtown, the internet’s first ghost town. Let’s see how those Mercury imbeciles embarrassed themselves this week! • Wm. Steven Humphrey valiantly struggled to maintain his Bieber boner after discovering his beloved doesn’t like abortion. This could put […]

FRANK CASSANO Greetings, shitlips! Congratulations on continuing to waste precious moments of your empty, lonely lives by visiting Blogtown, the most useless blog in Portland. (And yes, that includes this one.) Since you clearly have nothing better to do, join me for a tour of the ways in which the Mercury jackasses humiliated themselves this […]