(WRITER’S NOTE: THIS ENTIRE COLUMN WAS WRITTEN IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING PORTLAND’S OVERTIME LOSS IN GAME FOUR TO STEPH CURRY AND WHATEVER TEAM IT IS THAT STEPH CURRY PLAYS FOR.) FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. […]
Ian Karmel
Posted inSports
Playoff Game 3 Recap: Blazers Beat Those Bay Area Shit Horses
Courtesy NBA Last night the Warriors seemed human. Since April 16th Steph Curry has been sidelined with a variety of leg ailments ranging from annoying to worrisome, and for the first time in this second round matchup, his absence was palpable. Fucking finally. I don’t know about you, Blazer fan, but I’ve been waiting for […]
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Everything as Fuck
That’ll Do, Pig
Can the Blazers accomplish the impossible? They think so.
Posted inSports
Blazers Playoff Game Five Recap: Funeral for a Garbage Monster
Courtesy NBA It was strange being a Portland fan in Staples Center for game five of the Clippers v. Trail Blazers first round series. Games one and two had been celebrations for the Clipper fans—the arena was an evangelical megachurch worshiping the Father, the Point God and the Holy Shit-What-Did-Blake-Griffin-Just-Do? With game five being the […]
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Playoff Game 2 Recap: Blazers and Clippers Not So Fun
Courtesy NBA Well, fuck. That basketball game wasn’t very fun, was it? It didn’t even have the decency to be fun. The Trail Blazers lost the second game of the series to the Los Angeles Clippers by a mark of 102-81. The Blazers are now down 2-0 in the series. The good news is, the […]
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Playoffs Game One Recap: Blazers Get Dabbed by the Clippers
Courtesy NBA Clippers playoff games are hell. There’s no shame or humility to these Clippers fans, because almost none of them were around when the Clippers were being shamefully humbled. They were Lakers fans, or Celtics fans, or Bulls fans, or they didn’t really get into basketball until they took a job with William Morris […]
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Everything as Fuck: Oh Shit, We’re in the Playoffs!
Ryan Alexander-Tanner OH SHIT, PORTLAND. OH SHIT. OH SHIT THE BLAZERS ARE ABOUT TO BE IN THE PLAYOFFS. OH SHIT. Everyone thought they were gonna be wack as fuck before the season, but now they’ve defied the odds, like a sandwich you bought at a gas station because you felt like you were going to […]
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Everything as Fuck
The Playoffs!!
OH SHIT THE BLAZERS ARE ABOUT TO BE IN THE PLAYOFFS. OH SHIT.
Posted inComedy
Everything as Fuck: Women for Hillary
I’m encountering something disturbing on social media. I’m not sure if you’re seeing the same thing, but since you’re reading this in the Portland Mercury, I’m going to assume you are. What I’m encountering is my fellow liberals tearing each other apart like naan in a Colonial British restaurant in a gentrifying neighborhood over which […]