John Mulaney is funny. There I said it. For those of you that have never caught his act, I’ll try my best to describe him: He’s a privileged white male that’s my age—basically a guy I would date if I had higher standards and didn’t love short dudes so much. You may have seen his […]
Marissa Sullivan
Marissa Sullivan is a fashion writer at the Mercury and master of her domain at Portland's Pretty. She is still waiting for someone to take her on a first date to Taco Bell.
Posted inTV
The Best Way To Waste Time This Afternoon
Welp, it’s Friday and most of you are back from lunch by now, which to me means, “time to surf the web until 5pm!” I’ve got a way for you to kill some time right here—it’s a little tumblr called “Forever Alone: Faces of Rejected Bachelorettes” and it’s AMAZING! Oh Keltie, you’re totally my favorite! […]
Posted inOh, You Kids!
Who Does This Bitch Think She IS??? (Fashionista Edition)
Well, we all know that Suri (the bitch) Cruise likes clothes and spending her parents money ($50,000 monthly allowance much?). And we also know she’s a total bitch (because I say so all the time), but did you guys know that she’s a total bitch to her mom!? I mean Katie kind of has it […]
Posted inOh, You Kids!
Who Does This Bitch Think She IS??? (Nutcracker Edition)
“Hi, in case you forgot about me, my name is Suri Cruise and I’m a total bitch. Sometimes the media refers to my idiotic parents as “TomKat.” I can’t figure out what that means because I’m a stupid four-year-old that already has a credit card and an iPad despite the fact I can’t even tie […]
Posted inOh, You Kids!
Who Does This Bitch Think She IS???
On what is my last day as a highly regarded Mercury Intern, I’m hoping that by now you guys know how much I hate this little bitch and I hope, through my blog posts that started WAYYYY back in early October, you have grown to hate her too. While this isn’t breaking news, I’m going […]
Posted inCrime
Yes, Yes, Y’all, It’s My Last Day
Welp, it’s my last day as a Mercury apprentice, which means so many things: 1) I can finally look my boss, Wm.™ Steven Humphrey, directly in the eyes (he has a strict “apprentices will not look me in the eye” rule).2) I won’t be getting flipped off every… single… day.3) I’ll no longer be forced […]
Posted inDrunk
Jameson Juice Box – Brilliant!
As I sit here writing this post I literally have two cans of Four Loko in my car that I smuggled over the border on my way back to Portland this weekend from California. If you are as saddened by the ban of Four Loko in Oregon as I am, then this might be your […]
Posted inNews
Breaking Christmas Tree News
Well, here’s the deal: Tallest tree goes to Phoenix, making up for lack of any weather. Heaviest, SF—who cares? Brightest, Salt Lake, powered by Joseph Smith’s memory. I’m a little upset that Portland doesn’t even make this list… but maybe we’ll get on the map now that someone tried to blow ours up (too soon?). […]
Posted inSex
Ryan Reynolds May Be Hot But These Guys Are Not
While we all know Marjorie (and Erik) have a boner for Ryan Reynolds, the newest Sexiest Man Alive recipient… oh, alright, let’s have a look at him. Satisfied? Good. Now onto Buzzfeed’s 50 Unsexiest Men Alive 2010. If you have just eaten or are planning to eat anytime in the next 56 hours, maybe you […]
Posted inFood and Drink
Best Damn Yamasa Soy Sauce Commercial EVER!!!
As I wandered into the Toyota waiting room today to set up shop on my laptop with their free wi-fi, I spotted a TV. I haven’t had cable for a couple of months now, and as a HUGE fan of TV this has been difficult at times. And as fans of TV who don’t have […]
Posted inOh, You Kids!
Who Does This Bitch Think She IS??? (Ugly Kids Edition)
This little gem of a magazine cover came out today. What’s weird is that I was just talking with my roommate about how hot Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom’s (Kerbloom—trademarking that shit!) baby is going to be. Which then led to how peculiar little Shiloh is turning out. Since she’s the spawn of Brangelina, I […]