As a gleeful, unapologetic fan of James Franco—the Best Supporting Actor Oscar that he should have won for Pineapple Express shall be his for Spring Breakers, JUST YOU WATCH*—you basically don’t need to say anthing else to get me to go to a movie than “evil hillbilly Franco.” But then you say “Jason Statham”? And […]
Hillbilly
Posted inCops
Fine. You Can Open Carry. But That Means the Rest of Us Get to Bombard 911
Here’s a quaint little tale from the Portland Police Bureau about a couple of constitutional scholars who thought it would be educational to strut around Sellwood with a pair of assault rifles strapped to their backs. BECAUSE, HEY, HOW COULD ANYONE MAYBE GET THE WRONG IDEA? Yes, it’s legal to open carry. But that doesn’t […]
Posted inHillbilly
What are You Doing with that Sledgehammer, Bimzie?
In upper state New York resides a living legend. His name? Bimzie. His hobby? Knocking down farm silos with a sledgehammer. His warning? Don’t try this at home. You ain’t Bimzie. Bimzie don’t fuck around.
Posted inSports
When Hillbillies Catch Sharks
It’s hilarious when a hillbilly accidentally catches a shark while fishing. Why? THEY TALK FUNNY!
Posted inMedia
Oh, You History!: Spanking Women Questionaire
Here’s an old-timey column dug up by Dangerous Minds that was originally published in the now defunct tabloid The New York Daily Mirror. Today’s subject: Women spanking. Somehow I feel like the jury was loaded in this scenario, and needs a Blogtown poll to fairly settle the question.
Posted inReligion
What God Thinks about the God Particle
The discovery of the Higgs Boson is big news indeed, but it may make your head hurt the day after drinking all day in the sun. So if you just want some laughs, make sure to follow @HerpDerpParticle on Twitter, as they retweet religious people interpreting the discovery of the so-called “God Particle” as proof […]
Posted inHillbilly
Product of the Week: Hannah Montana Coon Repellent
I’d like to make fun of this… but he’s right. IT JUST WORKS.
Posted inHillbilly
Homo-Hatin’ Hillbilly Just Got Himself Into a Heap of Trouble
What follows is a hillbilly asshole firing his shotgun into a yard sign that opposes North Carolina’s Amendment One (another one of those tedious “one man, one woman marriage” amendments). Joe. My. God. picked it up on his blog, and now not only is it going viral, but this half-wit drooling hayseed may go to […]
Posted inHillbilly
The Secret Service Talked to Ted “Poopy-Pants” Nugent Yesterday
And apparently everything is fine: Nugent said in a statement after the meeting: “I met with two fine, professional Secret Service agents in OK today. Good, solid, professional meeting concluding that I have never made any threats of violence towards anyone. The meeting could not have gone better. I thanked them for their service, we […]
Posted inPortland
The Race to Get the First Hot Tub Boat
This “rivalry” that Portland supposedly has with Seattle is a goddamn joke. We’re better in practically every conceivable way, and they know it. HOWEVER! It has come to my attention (via Bethany over at Slog) that Seattle is on the cusp of getting… THEIR OWN “HOT TUB BOAT” COMPANY. Hot Tubs! Inside a boat! That […]
Posted inSex
Today in Hillbilly Pornography: Goat Massage
I don’t know… IT’S FRIDAY. So I figured you’d enjoy seeing some totally safe-for-work* hillbilly pornography featuring a farmer getting a “goat massage.” You may be thrilled or disappointed that there is a “happy ending” —in that the farmer isn’t killed by the goats. (Though I’m pretty sure those are poops on his back. Old […]
Posted inSex
Last Minute Erotic Valentines!
I’m sure it comes as no surprise that many of you are emotionally stunted. (Yeah, I didn’t think I’d get much of an argument about that one.) And since many of you forgot to get valentines for your loved ones and co-workers, I’m once again riding to the rescue with some suggestions. Drag any of […]