The Trash Report

Hello, Trash Pandas! It’s me, Elinor Jones, with a special end-of-the-year Trash Report. This year certainly was something, wasn’t it? To put it in perspective, when the year began, Joe Biden was still the president (remember him?!), and Blake Lively was just entering into litigation with former costar Justin Baldoni stemming from alleged sexual harassment […]

Hello Trash Pandas, and happy December! ’Tis I, Elinor Jones. Christmas has exploded in my home, with decorations that are a combination of vintage keepsakes my mom kept from my childhood and random crap my daughter insisted we buy from Freddie’s. It’s pure chaos and I will love it for the next three weeks and not […]

Hello, and welcome back to the Trash Report! Happy Thanksgiving week! Let me start this column with something I’m thankful for, which is that today’s children’s aren’t fed a lot of horseshit about Pilgrims and colonialism, so I don’t have to decorate the house for this holiday, which is one less thing to deal with. […]

Hi, and welcome to the Trash Report! I’m Elinor Jones. This is going to be a lot of commentary on a LOT of nonsense, and thanks to Ralph Nader, I can tell you to buckle up, and you’ll be able to (albeit metaphorically with this column, although you could also do so literally while driving […]

Hi! Welcome to the Trash Report. I’m Elinor Jones, doing my damnedest to write and think about anything besides this season of Love is Blind, which sucked so bad. I have very little time to watch television, so when something I consistently make time for lets me down, I feel personally attacked and wonder why […]

Hi! Welcome back to the Trash Report, your latest spin on news and gossip and whatever other stories were optimized to land in one of my feeds in a way that compelled me to say “hmm, I bet I could write something funny about that.” Isn’t it interesting that the stories that work best for […]

Hello Trash Pandas, and welcome to the Trash Report! I hope you are living and thriving, which are two words that should rhyme, but don’t. Let’s start pronouncing “thriving” like “living” and say it means both? Does that count as a portmanteau if it’s just changing the pronunciation? Also, don’t you guys think that when […]

Helloooooooo Trash Pandas! Welcome back to the Trash Report. I’m your girl Elinor Jones, fresh off a weeks-long mental health break “sabbatical.” This summer has been fun, but it’s been busy and I was fresh out of jokes to make and fucks to give, so I needed to rest. I’ve also been oddly tuned out […]

[EDITOR’S NOTE: America’s favorite gossip columnist, Elinor Jones, is taking a well-deserved vacation and will return soon with the latest in shit-talking celebrity shenanigans. Until then, please enjoy this classic edition of The Trash Report from December 4, 2023.] Hello, Trash Pandas! I’m Elinor Jones, and this is…THE TRASH REPORT. Did anything cool happen to you […]