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The Trash Report
Posted inThe Trash Report

THE TRASH REPORT: Brad Pitt, Donald Trump, and King Charles are All Embarrassing

Line up for your heaping helping of garbage-y gossip!
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

Hi there, and welcome to the Trash Report! I’m Elinor Jones. I’m writing this week’s column on Father’s Day, immensely grateful that my immediate family all had the fortune of being born in this country, and I don’t have to live in fear in one of them being dragged away on their way to work. […]

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The Trash Report: GIRLS (Trump and Elon), GIRLS (J. Lo and Cynthia), GIRLS (Oregonians)!!!

Get your bowls, it’s time for a steaming ladle of hot, gossipy garbage.
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

Hi babies, and welcome back to the Trash Report! This is the last week of school for families in the area, which means the days of “I can’t wait ’til summer” will soon give way to “what are we doing today” and “can you text _____’s mom for a playdate” and “when does school start […]

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THE TRASH REPORT: Women in STEM (Super Toxic Evil Machinations), Plus Celebrity Smells and Portland’s Daddy History

Avatar photo Elinor Jones

Hiyeeeeee! Welcome back to the Trash Report. I’m Elinor Jones. How are you? Some people may say that they are “too blessed to be stressed” and I am living evidence that it’s possible to be both blessed AND stressed. We can have it all!  Would you like to discuss news and gossip with me? I […]

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THE TRASH REPORT: The Mega-Wealthy are Forming Groups and I, For One, Am Ready to Party

Line up for this week’s buffet of gossip-y garbage!
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

Hi everybody, and welcome back to the Trash Report! I’m Elinor Jones. Some have said that this column reads like a drunk girl in a bathroom bar whisper-yelling to a girl she just met about a mutual enemy who’s not there, and to that I say: good, this is exactly what I’m going for. Now […]

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THE TRASH REPORT: Roller Coasters (Political) & Roller Coasters (Literal), Plus Jeremy Renner, Kristen Stewart, and a Very Weird Content Warning

Avatar photo Elinor Jones

Hello, and welcome to another Trash Report! I am Elinor Jones. Wow, I just saw that this Nikon photography account on Instagram got a pic of all of us in a tree together (I’m the one whispering): Imagine that’s still us and I am reading you all of the following:  Dumpster Nation President Trump had […]

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THE TRASH REPORT: Pope Dies of JD Vance Exposure, the Philip Seymour Hoffman Cinematic Universe, and More!

Line up, trash pandas! It’s time for your weekly garbage can of hot, sweaty gossip.
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

Hello, beautifuls! It’s me, Elinor Jones, back with another Trash Report for your eyes and your hearts. Did you know that the latest PRINT ISSUE of the Mercury is out now, which is a GUIDE TO FUN?! There’s a bonus Trash Report in there. And then Mercury editor-in-chief Wm. Steven Humphrey asked if I had […]

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THE TRASH REPORT: In Search of “Fun”—and Other Not-So-Fun Tasks

Let’s go, Trash Pandas! It’s time to flip the lid off this can of garbage-y gossip.
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

Hello friends, and welcome to The Trash Report! This is a space for talking about what’s happening in the world. The Mercury is publishing a “Portland Guide to FUN” issue this coming week, and I have been asked to play along, even though much of the news right now is very—how you say—not fun. I’d […]

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THE TRASH REPORT: Jack Black, Coachella, and Being Cool With Me: A Cool Person

Let’s go, trash pandas! It’s time to dig deep into this week’s bucket of gossip.
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

Hi everybody! I’m Elinor Jones. Welcome back to the Trash Report. I almost feel bad giving you a reason to look at screen-based content when it is SO GODDAMN BEAUTIFUL OUTSIDE. I could never live in one of those year-round summer hellholes; we need the darkness to appreciate all this light. Do I mind that […]

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THE TRASH REPORT: Trump Jr. Got to See Sublime and All I Got Is a Huge Hit on My Retirement Savings

Let’s dig into the biggest, steaming pile of gossip of the week. 
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

Hi there! Welcome back to the Trash Report. I am mother trash panda, Elinor Jones. I hope you have been having a pleasant April spent refreshing your retirement account, wondering what was even the point of saving in your 20s for a future that may not happen when you could have just spent more money […]

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THE TRASH REPORT: They Like Green LAND, not Green PLANTS!

Scrub in, because we’re digging deep into this week’s pile of garbage-y gossip.
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

Hello, and welcome to the Trash Report! I’m Elinor Jones, writing to you from the highly niche, but real mood described as “this season of White Lotus is ending pretty soon and then I won’t know what to talk to people about.” I hope you’re more normal than I am! The news has been so […]

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THE TRASH REPORT: Marital Woes and Expensive Cheetos

Slip on your hazmat suit and dig in to this week’s pile of hot goss.
Avatar photo Elinor Jones

Hello sweet angel baby Trash Pandas, and welcome back to the Trash Report! It’s me, Portland’s Best Kept Secret™, Elinor Jones. Remember in Jerry Maguire when Tom Cruise said Cuba Gooding Jr. was the NFL’s best-kept secret, and then Roy Tidwell got a contract for millions of dollars and Regina King was so happy? That’s gonna […]

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