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Here’s the best goddamn idea I’ve heard all day. There is, however, a certain type of jackass who feels the need to subject strangers to unoriginal attempts at body shaming, so I will say this: If you, a stranger, are compelled to tell me that I “need to eat a sandwich”, then you had better […]

Here’s a submission from someone who says they are “new to Portland’s gym scene”—which sounds really weird to me. ANYWAY. I don’t know what planet some of you are from. But it is not acceptable to strip butt naked in front of strangers at the gym. Its clear you’ve never played any kind of sports […]

Here’s a common question for these sad economic times: I have two college degrees. I’m registered with several temp agencies. I try to send out at least three resumes a day. I hit the pavement at least twice a week. I’m constantly checking job boards, hanging out on linkedin, and bothering friends about potential networking. […]

via You guys know about the Georgia Guidestones, right? Easily the awesomest thing in the entirety of Georgia, probably the awesomest thing in the entirety of the United States? Okay, well, onward, to the Times! “My long-term goal is to build some sort of festival around it, something that would be a weeklong thing that […]

You know it’s gonna be a tough day when your gynecologist burps into your vagina. MONDAYS, AMIRITE? As much as I do appreciate you letting me cancel my pap smear and fitting me in the same day, I DRAW THE LINE AT YOU ROARING A BURP INTO MY VAGINA, REGARDLESS IF YOU HAVE A MEDICAL […]

Dear drunk lady who sideswiped a man’s car, and took off instead of seeing if the injured man was okay: HIS WIFE IS REALLY MAD AT YOU. I have a description of you, know what your car looks like, the condition that it is in with the tell-tale white paint from our car, and I […]

Here’s an I, Anonymous blog submission from another satisfied Mercury reader: The Merc has become such a ground-breaking rag…and so risque! Such naughty writing using (tee-hee!) big grown-up four letter words; everywhere!! Will it ever stop? Even the advertisers are now so hip they use (get this!) awfully super naughty words in their ads. Words, […]

“I love cyclists. No, I don’t. I HAAAATE THEEEEEM!“ But what happens when a cyclist doesn’t know how to share the road? What happens when a cyclist doesn’t know the rules and regulations to owning a bicycle? I understand the harmonies of sharing my space with a cycler. I do not pass them when nearing […]

Trans guy and his hot date sit down at a restaurant… and the server calls them both “ladies”? OH NO HE DIDN’T! I get that there’s no way you can tell a butch woman from a trans man, not with all the shit you have to notice and remember. So all I’m asking (and I […]

Ahhh… now here’s how you write an I, Anonymous. From a submission entitled, “I’m Sorry that it’s Your Voice”: And last night, even though we have never met, I had to talk you out of masturbating while on the phone with me. I get that we’re adults, and I get that our conversation went sexual […]