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Behold—and I don’t say this lightly—the MOST TERRIBLE PERSON CURRENTLY ALIVE IN THE WORLD. You see, I’m normally a very helpful person. When I see a stalled car in an intersection, I’ll pull over and help push it clear. When an older person at the market can’t quite reach their intended purchase I grab it […]

Lemonaaaaade! Lemonaaaaade! Get your ice cold lemonaaaaaaade right here, and… hey mister! Would you like to buy some of my lemonade? Hate to break the news kid, but it sucks. The shit was warm and your hair was a bit unkept. Also, I don’t think you have ever washed your hands thoroughly. You were missing […]

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Know what else is best served cold? Gazpacho! But I digress… I know that you have been calling me a whore and tell our boss things so that I cant get good shifts. That you have been flirting with my ex boyfriend via text. And that you stole […]

HOOOOONNNNKKK!! If someone dings their bike bell, honks their horn or says “look out!”, let me help interpret that for you: you are likely doing something stupid and are about to get squashed by a bus. Or worse, you’re about to wipe out and cause me to get squashed by a bus. HEY IDIOT! GET […]

Everybody have a good Fourth of July? NOT THIS GUY! It’s 7:30 in the morning on July 5th. Why are you shooting off fireworks? It’s daytime. It’s the 5th. It’s 7:30 in the fucking morning. Let’s see how he feels about it when they’re still shooting off fireworks on July 12th! In the meantime, do […]

Here’s some pretty good advice for all of you fair weather non-shirt wearing fans: Yes it’s hot. Yes it may be more comfortable for you to walk around without a shirt. But it is not more comfortable for those of us who are having our eyes stained by your ugly man-titties. I don’t expect six-pack […]

I’m beginning to think the I, Anonymous Blog is getting a bit “poop obsessed.” Behold… I hope the dog poop spread across your windshield and air intake vents is easy to clean. Wouldn’t want to inconvenience such a considerate person such as you. So, here’s my warning: keep it up and I ain’t curbing my […]

This I, Anon is a bit too wordy for its own good, but the basic gist is: GAHHHH!! YOUR DUMB KID ALMOST HIT ME WITH HER STUPID BIKE!! Hold on to your ovaries: I am 43 years old and childless by choice. I like kids. I just don’t want to raise one. That said, I’m […]

Here’s a mini-rant addressed to the world at large titled “Portland is So Anal” (and no, not in a good way). To the person who left this note on my bike at Sunday Parkways NE “You just gave this event a Black eye. Locking your Bike to My tree was Not cool” 1. Parking strips […]

Erotic I, Anonymous—or Penthouse Forum reject? YOU BE THE JUDGE! You tried the broken shower but soon realized that it was out of order. You continued to undress, asking me if I was going to be long. When I didn’t answer you, because I didn’t hear you ask me at first, you opened up my […]