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GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! Expect more showers and cool temps until Wednesday, but by the weekend? BAM, BABY! We're looking at sunny skies and temps in the low 80s! (I'm really getting tired of getting out my thongs from storage only to have to pack them up again... but I guess that's spring for ya! 🤷‍♂️) Now let's dig around in my thong boxes for some morning NEWS.


• First of all, EVERYBODY RELAX: Sugar, the escaped zebra who roamed the wilds of western Washington for six days, has been safely located and will now be shipped back to its keepers in Montana—you know, where zebras run free on the plains. 😒 

• Today in yet another bullshit Oregonian poll that means just about as much as a fart in the breeze: The O is claiming that candidate (and conservative darling/former Republican) Nathan Vasquez has a sizable lead over current Multnomah County District Attorney Mike Schmidt after polling... *checks notes*... only a scant 300 people (??) out of the nearly 800,000 folks that live in the county. Wow, if that's the case, why don't they just poll seven people eating pie at a local Shari's and call it good? (By the way, both the Oregonian and Willamette Week endorsed the conservative prosecutor, and the weird, strained logic exhibited by both is mind-boggling. Compare it to our endorsement of Schmidt, and you'll see what I mean. This is what happens when you get all your information from People for Portland billboards, I guess!)

• Oh! And while we're on the topic:

• In the latest (and excellent as always) STREET VIEW column from our Taylor Griggs, she takes a look at the 10 cent gas tax that we'll be voting on later this month, and explains why it's important to pass it, and why we should consider making it even more expensive. Does the thought of that make your head explode? Read it first... then explode, if you're not agreeing by the end of it.

• Due to the current ambulance crisis in the metro area, a stabbing victim in Gresham was rushed to the hospital in the back of a cop car on Sunday after paramedics were unable to find an ambulance in the area. It's become an increasing problem, as there were 15,000 incidents in 2023 when ambulances were not available following 911 calls, forcing victims to catch rides on patrol cars, fire department vehicles, and in one case, a TriMet bus.


• Donald Trump, who is apparently constantly talking when he's not dozing off in court, has been fined a second time and ordered to pay $1000  after violating a court-mandated gag order for the tenth time.  However this fine also comes with a threat of actual jail time if he violates the order again... which should be by about 3 pm this afternoon? (But maybe I'm giving him too much credit.)

• Negotiations between Israel and Hamas have reportedly broken down, and Israeli officials have ordered 100,000 people to evacuate from Gaza's southern city of Rafah ahead of a coming attack in which they promise to use "extreme force." (Umm... which is what they've been using already, right?) This order to leave has been given even though victims of this slow-rolling genocide have nowhere to escape. 

• Following the recents mass protest against Israel's genocide at Columbia University, the school has announced that graduation ceremonies for the students will be held off campus in several different locations over the next week or so. Other universities are continuing to hold their ceremonies, though with increased security.

• BEEF!!

• After murdering her own dog (as well as her pet goat and at least three horses), South Dakota Governor/serial killer Kristi Noem is quadrupling down on her confession, and has suggested that President Biden's dog should be killed as well. Next... she'll be coming for YOUR DOG, TOO. ("Kill ALLLL the dogs! Bwa-haaaa-haaaaaaaaa!")

• And finally... in this scenario, I'm the cat. Portland conservatives are everything else.