OH! WHY HELLO there, monster! I notice you’re new to town, and… oh. I see you’ve brought many of your monster friends as well! THAT’S GREAT. The more the merrier… or in your case, “the scarier,” amirite? High five! Umm… sure, I can high five all your tentacles.
Look, as long as you’re here, can we talk about something? Now it’s totally not your fault, but many longtime Portlanders are very upset about all these new monsters moving to town. But we all know why you chose Portland: Thanks to our many world-class restaurants, our tourists are fat, greasy, and delicious. Our music scene is perfect for those who murder at night, because audience members just stand there, with folded arms, nodding their heads. We also have Voodoo Doughnut (what a misnomer, right?). But most importantly, Portland is very tolerant of alternate lifestyle choices… including those involving the sucking of blood or the stabbing teens who have sex at sleep-away camps.
But here’s the thing: You’re never going to be accepted if you insist on acting like a bag of dicks.
Listen, monsters. You can’t just be a consumer. You can’t just come to town and expect people to fall into your mouth. YOU HAVE TO OFFER SOMETHING (other than a bubbling cauldron filled with the limbs of babies). Do you play a guitar? Great! There is an abundance of metal sludge bands looking for new members. Are you interested in social justice? Awesome, do us a favor and kill all the signature gatherers. Are you a foodie? I can tell you right now there are a LOT of long lines outside of my favorite brunch spots (and especially Salt & Straw) that could use some thinning out—if you know what I mean.
What I’m trying to say is this: Don’t hide your light under a basket. As a monster, you have a specific skill set, and one that could provide a real service to the people of Portland. For example, if you’re a minotaur, consider a career at one of Portland’s many strip clubs—which, frankly, are getting a bit stale. If you’re a werewolf, consider a leash, and always pick up after yourself. (Oh, and please? Stay out of grocery stores, unless you’re a service wolf.) If you’re a mummy, don’t wear spandex while cycling—you already look stupid enough. If you’re a demon, consider becoming a landlord or maybe a member of the Portland Business Alliance. (Trust me, you’ll only improve the situation.)
So if you like that advice, you’ll love the Mercury‘s monsters’ guide to Portland. We’ll offer up tips on the city’s most overrated cemeteries, the most haunted new developments, how to find (and keep!) an affordable apartment, and even how to appropriately apologize for being a newcomer (monster).
But if you really want to fit in and make Portland better? Consider this: Within 20 years the Portland area is projected to lure in 725,000 new residents. But now that you’re here, I bet that number will be (hint-hint) cut in half.
Bon appétit, newcomer!
More Welcome to Portland, Monster! articles:
Welcome to Portland, Monsters!
How to Apologize for Being a Monster
No-Cause Evictions Affect Monster Population
Portland’s Most Haunted New Developments
Monster’s Pot Review (for Monsters)
A Short History of Portland’s Most Famous Monsters
Portland’s Most Overrated Cemeteries
Why recycle this from the issue a few months ago. Oh wait….because clickbait!
Still, the notion that people who moved here 5-10 years ago (let’s face it, that is what 90% of people identifying as non-transplants and bitching at newcomers are) were largely this super interesting, cool, and superior “creative class” who gave so much to the community is bullshit. As a matter of fact, in many respects, one could argue that “transplants” – who are often times better educated, more traveled, volunteer more often, etc. and moving here for career-level, advanced education requiring jobs and can afford the shiny new apartments – are just as, if not more, interesting and contribute more than the hoards of people who moved here over the past 5 – 15 years based largely on Portland being a cheap place to move to where they could afford to scrape by and live a chill life. Yes there are real contributors out there in the artist, small business owner, musician, etc. camp, BUT, they are the extreme minority.
We get that the late teens / early 20’s mindset that you are stuck in doesn’t think developing software or apps for a living, designing shoes or other apparel or goods, working in finance or marketing, designing ad campaigns, etc. etc. is cool. AND certainly not as worthy as playing in a shitty band and scraping by pouring drinks part time as your main “thing” in life (although many of these evil educated transplant types do play in shitty bands, create art, etc. in their free time). It is, however, worth pointing out that your views represent a very immature and myopic view of Portland and the way things should be….and most importantly, HAVE to be, if we are to thrive further into the 21st century.
In 20 years, we will see who is stuck holding the “bag of dicks”…..those who adapt and grow with this city, or those with a chip on their shoulder who refuse to realize that as you grow older, it is a good idea to get your shit together from a career standpoint if you are going to thrive and prosper in this day and age (you can still play in your shitty band on the side).
I’d prefer them to what’s actually moving here.
The bag of dicks that’s lived here at least 2 years insist you don’t act like a bag of dicks when you get here. You might upstage us.
Can’t anyone just enjoy this joke piece as being obvious satire?
I’m beginning to feel sorry for JTR, when this light-hearted parody of Portland culture elicits the same tedious temper tantrum he’s thrown over and over again.
Steve: the joke about Portland music audiences made me laugh. Also, none of the links work.
@albert & all – links below the article here are a bit slow to catch up – but they work where they are linked on the side and in all the other places posted.
Thanks, fixed!
yes, this piece was satire because of the Halloween stuff alone. But it was based on the very non satirical previous article, and that was not satire. Plus, my comment was also addressed toward the ridiculous views that many people in this town have in general that always come out in the comment section on articles like this. Sorry to always piss on the pity / victim party that these threads turn into.