Anonymous

Hey!! Quit applying for jobs if you already have one! Do you know how many jobs are available in this town? Like two. You know how many people want those jobs? Like 2,000!! So let us unemployed people who are in our 30s and totally broke and living off of our parents get the jobs! […]

You: Lady who drove the wrong way into the W Burnside Goodwill to drop off your donations and almost hit my daughter in the parking lot.Me: Man who said “Ma’am, you may not know it, but that arrow means this is an EXIT. You almost hit my daughter, did you know that?”You: Subhuman piece of […]

Ok, so we know that pedestrians here are a bit uppity. But seriously folks, “I brake for People” stickers need to be edited to ” I brake for Intelligent Humans waiting for traffic to yield at a crosswalk” Don’t you dare give me a dirty look for not giving you a chance to cross.Don’ play […]

I deliver for a said “Better” pizza company in the SE, and I usually begin my shifts in the evenings, just around the height of rush hour. Success and bigger paydays rely on speed and “smartness” of delivery routes, more deliveries = more tips which = more financial freedom, kinda. Sometimes I have to take […]

I pedaled slowly through an intersection at the top of long hill near Mt Tabor. You stumbled blindly into the road without looking where you were going. You screamed at me about how I was ruining it for all other cyclists. You bike too. Maybe you bike to the fridge. Really you should be biking […]

hey asshole. thanks for making me feel like a modern day leslie gore. you know the song.. ‘maybe i know that he’s been a cheeeatin, maybe i know that he’s been untrue, but what can i doooo?’ no? well, thanks for making me feel like a fifties bitch who tells all her friends that no, […]

Dear Portland,I’d like to take the opportunity to apologize for complaining constantly and in public about how amazing this town “used to be”. It’s completely unfair and unwarranted. Maybe there’s a part of me that wants to convince anyone who will listen that I am secretly a super awesome and hip guy (when in actuality […]

Dear douche-bag that stole my tomato plants: I am not even sure you are worth my time to write this rant, but you want to know what Asshole? I doused those plants in pesticides not even the FDA could conjure up as something a human could posses. I laced them with gasoline. I poured gallons […]

Hey, I, Anonymous Blog Editor, I can’t help but notice that some I, Anonymous Blog entries have “Full of Shit” polls and some do not. WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT?! Who are you to prejudge whether or not an I, Anonymous blog poster might or might not be Full of Shit, like some […]

Most of us go to the pool to exercise in a relaxing environment. You old dudes just strip down to your shorts and stare at the swimmers while yelling at the top of your lungs, in what’s basically an echo chamber, about your grandchildren, why you hate Obama, and crap you bought. Lower your voices, […]

Oh, the blossoming days of early summer. Shorts and tank tops, peonies and breaking the bike out of the garage. I have nothing against you, oh fair-weather bike-rider. I am one of you. My cruiser only cruises when I won’t get wet, and that’s OK. What’s not OK? You riding on the sidewalk. See those […]