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Elinor Jones writes the gossip column, THE TRASH REPORT, as well as movie reviews, and dinosaur stuff. She likes your lipstick.
Hello, my babies, and welcome back to the Trash Report! It’s your girl, Elinor Jones, blissfully full of nog and rest. Happy belated war on Christmas to every last one of you. I know, I know—I’ve been coasting off reruns the past couple of weeks, but I’ve missed you very much so let’s make like […]
Happy Holidays, Trash Pandas! ‘Tis I, Elinor Jones, AKA the Ghost of Trash Past, here to guide you through 2024—a year that I could best describe as “a year that happened.” January 8 I hate to break it to us, but despite anyone’s resolutions, this is probably not going to be a year when anybody […]
[Our Elinor Jones is taking a well-deserved trash-free vacation this week, so please enjoy this CLASSIC edition of The Trash Report from May 22, 2023!—eds.] Hello, my sweet baby Trash Pandas! If nobody has told you yet today, you are a darling goblin whose mere existence dramatically increases global average human sexiness by several points, and […]
Hello my sweet angel baby Trash Pandas! Welcome back to the Trash Report. I’m Elinor Jones, currently recovering from the annual macaroni and cheese cookout I host with my friends. Ever eaten six kinds of macaroni and cheese in one sitting? There are worse things than a cheap rum hangover, and it’s being 40 and […]
Hello, and welcome back to the Trash Report! Or if this is your first time reading, regular welcome to the Trash Report. I imagine the existence of this column is very irritating to people who are trying to figure out how to report trash, cuz if you google Portland Report Trash, this is what you […]
Hello Trash Pandas! Happy Thanksgiving week. This is my favorite holiday because I like eating and spending time with my family, of course—but also because I don’t have to decorate my house for it. As a parent, once Thanksgiving is over, it’s all Christmas all the time and I’m about to have sentimental clutter over […]
Listen up, fives: another five is talking. She’s me, Elinor Jones. Welcome to the Trash Report! How are you? Personally, I’m experiencing an all-encompassing rage that is weirdly manifesting as extreme silliness. You know that dance we did as kids where you try to keep your head in one spot while the rest of your […]
[Editor’s note: Read all our holly jolly HOLIDAY GUIDE articles here. Looking for a print copy? Good! You can find it in more than 500 spots across Portland with this handy map!] Happy Holidays, Trash Pandas! ‘Tis I, Elinor Jones, AKA the Ghost of Trash Past, here to guide you through 2024—a year that I […]
What’s happening Trash Pandas? Welcome back to the Trash Report. I am Elinor Jones and I am not doing well! Lucky for us, things have been shitty often enough and recently enough that we can disassociate and do our silly little activities. How fortunate we are to live in times that challenge us! JK! I […]
Hello, and welcome back to the Trash Report! Like many people with mental illness, my home is a reflection of what is happening with the ol’ brain—when depression is in the driver’s seat, my house gets messy; when anxiety is calling the shots, the palace is pristine. And friends, being ONE DAY away from yet […]
Hello there, and welcome to this very special Trash Report, which is all about elections! Listen, if shit goes south on election day and our constitutional rights to things like a free press are dissolved, then there will be no more cool newspapers like this one, so if you’re reading this in print, keep your […]
Hi, Trash Pandas, and welcome to another Trash Report! I’m really happy you’re here. You know this season of Love is Blind is bad when I’m working on my column before I’m fully caught up on the episodes. They’re all so charmless! And wtf, all the action happening off camera? I need to know who […]
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