The Mercury provides news and fun every single day—but your help is essential. If you believe Portland benefits from smart, local journalism and arts coverage, please consider making a small monthly contribution, because without you, there is no us. Thanks for your support! Good morning, Portland! I’m Elinor Jones, and you know a lot of people […]
Elinor Jones
Elinor Jones writes the gossip column, THE TRASH REPORT, as well as movie reviews, and dinosaur stuff. She likes your lipstick.
Posted inThe Trash Report
THE TRASH REPORT: Women in STEM (Super Toxic Evil Machinations), Plus Celebrity Smells and Portland’s Daddy History
Hiyeeeeee! Welcome back to the Trash Report. I’m Elinor Jones. How are you? Some people may say that they are “too blessed to be stressed” and I am living evidence that it’s possible to be both blessed AND stressed. We can have it all! Would you like to discuss news and gossip with me? I […]
Posted inThe Trash Report
THE TRASH REPORT: The Mega-Wealthy are Forming Groups and I, For One, Am Ready to Party
Line up for this week’s buffet of gossip-y garbage!
Hi everybody, and welcome back to the Trash Report! I’m Elinor Jones. Some have said that this column reads like a drunk girl in a bathroom bar whisper-yelling to a girl she just met about a mutual enemy who’s not there, and to that I say: good, this is exactly what I’m going for. Now […]
Posted inThe Trash Report
The TRASH REPORT: Gossip is Yummy
Line up, Trash Pandas! It’s time for a steaming bowl of garbage-y gossip.
Hi everybody, and welcome to the Trash Report! This is an extra special column. because it’s for the upcoming FOOD EDITION of the Mercury. Hey, it turns out there isn’t enough gossip about food to fill up a whole column, so I’m doing the things that celebrities do when they go to the Met Gala, […]
Posted inThe Trash Report
THE TRASH REPORT: Roller Coasters (Political) & Roller Coasters (Literal), Plus Jeremy Renner, Kristen Stewart, and a Very Weird Content Warning
Hello, and welcome to another Trash Report! I am Elinor Jones. Wow, I just saw that this Nikon photography account on Instagram got a pic of all of us in a tree together (I’m the one whispering): Imagine that’s still us and I am reading you all of the following: Dumpster Nation President Trump had […]
Posted inThe Trash Report
THE TRASH REPORT: Pope Dies of JD Vance Exposure, the Philip Seymour Hoffman Cinematic Universe, and More!
Line up, trash pandas! It’s time for your weekly garbage can of hot, sweaty gossip.
Hello, beautifuls! It’s me, Elinor Jones, back with another Trash Report for your eyes and your hearts. Did you know that the latest PRINT ISSUE of the Mercury is out now, which is a GUIDE TO FUN?! There’s a bonus Trash Report in there. And then Mercury editor-in-chief Wm. Steven Humphrey asked if I had […]
Posted inCity Guide 2025
Sorry… Shutting Down All Systems
Portland’s best quiet places (when one needs to disassociate).
[Read all of the articles in our Portland Fun Guide HERE! Looking for a print copy? Look at this handy-dandy map!—eds.] Sometimes when life gives you lemons, you can make lemonade. Other times, you just look at the lemons and deeply seethe at your misfortune. Like, lemons? Again with the fucking lemons? WHAT HAVE I DONE […]
Posted inThe Trash Report
THE TRASH REPORT: In Search of “Fun”—and Other Not-So-Fun Tasks
Let’s go, Trash Pandas! It’s time to flip the lid off this can of garbage-y gossip.
Hello friends, and welcome to The Trash Report! This is a space for talking about what’s happening in the world. The Mercury is publishing a “Portland Guide to FUN” issue this coming week, and I have been asked to play along, even though much of the news right now is very—how you say—not fun. I’d […]
Posted inThe Trash Report
THE TRASH REPORT: Jack Black, Coachella, and Being Cool With Me: A Cool Person
Let’s go, trash pandas! It’s time to dig deep into this week’s bucket of gossip.
Hi everybody! I’m Elinor Jones. Welcome back to the Trash Report. I almost feel bad giving you a reason to look at screen-based content when it is SO GODDAMN BEAUTIFUL OUTSIDE. I could never live in one of those year-round summer hellholes; we need the darkness to appreciate all this light. Do I mind that […]
Posted inThe Trash Report
THE TRASH REPORT: Trump Jr. Got to See Sublime and All I Got Is a Huge Hit on My Retirement Savings
Let’s dig into the biggest, steaming pile of gossip of the week.
Hi there! Welcome back to the Trash Report. I am mother trash panda, Elinor Jones. I hope you have been having a pleasant April spent refreshing your retirement account, wondering what was even the point of saving in your 20s for a future that may not happen when you could have just spent more money […]
Posted inThe Trash Report
THE TRASH REPORT: They Like Green LAND, not Green PLANTS!
Scrub in, because we’re digging deep into this week’s pile of garbage-y gossip.
Hello, and welcome to the Trash Report! I’m Elinor Jones, writing to you from the highly niche, but real mood described as “this season of White Lotus is ending pretty soon and then I won’t know what to talk to people about.” I hope you’re more normal than I am! The news has been so […]
Posted inThe Trash Report
THE TRASH REPORT: Marital Woes and Expensive Cheetos
Slip on your hazmat suit and dig in to this week’s pile of hot goss.
Hello sweet angel baby Trash Pandas, and welcome back to the Trash Report! It’s me, Portland’s Best Kept Secret™, Elinor Jones. Remember in Jerry Maguire when Tom Cruise said Cuba Gooding Jr. was the NFL’s best-kept secret, and then Roy Tidwell got a contract for millions of dollars and Regina King was so happy? That’s gonna […]