OMG. Why are you so stupid, you stupid, stupid baby?? I swear to Christ, we are not asking much. We just want you to say ONE one-syllable word. Can you at least do that? Can you at least muster up the quarter of a brain cell needed to say one… simple… little… word? SAY IT. […]
Oh, You Kids!
Posted inOh, You Kids!
Depressed, Depressed Clown: “Happy” is Not So “Happy”
(Why, yes. This is a spin-off of my “Stupid, Stupid Baby” series. Is there a problem, officer??) In this video, we meet “Happy the Clown” who just happens to be the most fucking depressed clown in the history of Barnum & Bailey. There are a few reasons for this:1) He lives next to a very […]
Posted inOh, You Kids!
Dads: Spend Some Time with Your Kids This Weekend
This Easter weekend, it’s important for all you dads out there to spend some quality time with your kids—just like the dad in this video who slaps the crap out of his son. BUT DON’T CALL SOCIAL SERVICES JUST YET! This kid gives back five times as much as he gets in what will probably […]
Posted inPuppy
Stupid, Stupid Baby: “Stop Laughing at Me, You Stupid Baby!!”
For some reason, today the internet is all about dog degradation. And in this episode of “Stupid, Stupid Baby,” an obviously brain damaged infant can’t stop laughing and laughing and laughing at—NOT “WITH” MIND YOU—AT the family dog who is only… ohhhh, I don’t know… TRYING TO SAVE YOUR STUPID UNWORTHY LIFE, YOU STUPID FUCKING […]
Posted inOh, You Kids!
Stupid, Stupid Baby (Penguin): The Tickler
OMG!! Look at this stupid baby penguin waddling around like he’s stupid or something! And what’s worse: HIS NAME IS COOKIE. What? Are you begging for people to eat you, you stupid dumbshit penguin?? Well, I for one would never put something that stupid in my mouth. BUT GET THIS: While I suppose Cookie thinks […]
Posted inOh, You Kids!
Stupid, Stupid Baby: Now in Español!
I’m telling you kids all across the land, there ain’t no need to argue ‘cuz stupid, stupid babies are stupid, stupid, stupid no matter where you go in this world. Case in point: Aieee! Estúpido.
Posted inOh, You Kids!
This is Exactly How I Wake Up Every Morning
… and you should see how I go to bed each night.
Posted inOh, You Kids!
Stupid, Stupid Grownups: Bibs for Adults
While it is undeniably true that babies are the stupidest beings in the universe, sometimes grownups are dumb, too. Here is a commercial that features a product for stupid babies who grew into even more stupid adults. “Has this ever happened to you?” Yes, I believe it has… maybe once? But it certainly doesn’t happen […]
Posted inFood and Drink
These Babies are So Cute, I Could Just Eat Them Up… AND I WILL.
This just in from Cafe Glace: Tiny little babies made out of delicious MARZIPAN. Nom, nom, nom, you delicious little realistic babies! Daddy’s gonna eat you up! NOM, NOM, NOM. (Seriously, though these things could’ve saved Jeffrey Dahmer a lot of trouble.) More equally disturbing pictures here! NOM, NOM, NOM!!
Posted inOh, You Kids!
Which Combo of Kids is Best?
As you know I’ve got illegitimate kids scattered across the country, which kind of makes me an expert on parenting. So I was interested in this study wherein researchers polled thousands of parents to discover which combo of kids made for the most harmonious family life. Now the results of this poll are right here—BUT! […]
Posted inSex
America, Meet Your New Yellow Dinosaur Pedophile Hunter
Move over, Chris Hansen! Now there’s a pedophile hunter who’s not only yellow—and a dinosaur—but he actually gets results! (And I know this, because the big yellow dino broke into my office today to demand all my Justin Bieber posters. And why did he keep calling me “Charming”? I mean, I know I’m handsome and […]
Posted inTech
Please stop. Stop. STOP.
Just when the invitations to join LinkedIn start to drop off—I’ve never accepted an invitation to join LinkedIn, and I’d like to take this opportunity to say fuck you to everyone who “sent [me] an invitation to become part of his or her professional network at LinkedIn”—emails letting me know that a “friend or at […]