As mentioned in Good Morning News, current teen heartthrob du jour JUSTIN BIEBER (EEEEE!!!!) landed in New Zealand where hundreds of ecstatic teens went ape shit, stole his hat, and knocked his mother flat on her ass (In their defense, she was blocking access to the Bieb). Now unfortunately, the following video does not show […]
Oh, You Kids!
Posted inNews
The Good News
Sometimes in the rush of the news day—fascists in Arizona, bigots in Mississippi, Goldman Sachs in the doghouse—we overlook the good news: Most young adults today don’t pray, don’t worship and don’t read the Bible, a major survey by a Christian research firm shows. If the trends continue, “the Millennial generation will see churches closing […]
Posted inMusic
BIEBER!! PORTLAND!! EEEEEEEE!!!!
VIA EMAIL… THREE SECONDS AGO!!! Justin Bieber’s “My World” tour is stopping in Portland, OR at the Rose Garden Arena on 7/14. EEEEEEEE!!! EEEEEEEE!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Posted inOh, You Kids!
The End of (Intern) Days
Well, Blogtownies, after an unspeakably long internship I’m finally taking off. Working here has been a whirlwind of laughs, outdated bathroom magazines (a situation soon to be corrected) and threatening to lead an intern rebellion. I’ll miss it. Yours truly, Jane “The Intern” Carlen p.s. Here is a detailed description of the entire Merc editorial […]
Posted inOh, You Kids!
Toddler Tight-Rope Walker in Training (Now, with Tigers)
Okay, junior. You don’t want to play football? That’s fine by me, but there’s NO WAY IN HELL you’re going to sit around MY house playing videogames all day. So here’s what we’re gonna do: You’re going to train to be a tight-rope walker, and… DON’T YOU ROLL YOUR EYES AT ME, YOUNG MAN! I’m […]
Posted inOh, You Kids!
Today in Gang Warfare
I know a lot of you are concerned about your children, and how you’re going to stop them from getting involved with, or hurt by, violent street gangs. That’s why videos like the following clip from the classic ’80s After-School Special entitled “Ace Hits the Big Time” is so important. From films like these, we […]
Posted inLuv
So Much for this 4-Year-Old’s Dreams
In the following video, a four-year-old has her tiny heart smashed in a billion pieces after her heartless bitch of a mom decides to move her to Japan—even though she is desperately, hopelessly, forever in love with an older man named Steven (this time not me). And what’s up with the mom/narrator in this piece, […]
Posted inOh, You Kids!
Please Tase Me, Bro
A Colorado sheriff’s deputy has been suspended after using his taser on at least 30 students during a job fair. In his defense, they were asking for it. The students “wanted to know what it felt like” to be subdued by the long arm of the law. According to the New York Daily News: Officials […]
Posted inFood and Drink
I Like Pizza… EVERY DAY!!!
FACT: Pizza is awesome! FACT: Singing about pizza to a techno beat is even more awesome! FACT: European accents make everything sound gayer, even children! FACT: This techno song about pizza sung by the gay European child trio Pizza Kids will get stuck in your head until you actually eat a slice of pizza (with […]
Posted inTV
Today in Garish Anatomically Correct Dolls
Here’s an actual doll commercial from Matt’s homeland of jolly old England—and therefore Matt should be personally blamed for its content. It’s called “Baby Paralyzed Pee Pee” (or something like that… I can’t understand those crazy accents), and features an actual working—and deformed—urinating penis. (But is “Pedo Dad” also included?)
Posted inOh, You Kids!
This is What You Sound Like
When you bitch at me about the way Blogtown posts supposedly NSFW pictures, and how your boss is going to fire you, this is all I hear… Especially at the 2:40 mark.
Posted inOh, You Kids!
Bieber or DIE!
What did I tell you? WHAT DID I MOTHEREFFING TELL YOU?? Yep, I’m pretty sure it was ME who said, “Hey, better pay attention to this Justin Bieber kid, because pretty soon he’s gonna be taking over your world.” And once again? I WAS SOOOOOOO RIGHT! In fact, he’s not only taking over the world […]