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GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! Happy post-election day, everybody! But before we get to the results, let's peep the weather: Get ready for mixed sun, clouds, and occasional heavy showers today with a cool high of 62 degrees. And if that depresses you more than certain election results, the sun will return by Sunday, with a glorious Memorial Day ahead. And that is the last good news I will serve you today. Or is it? Keep reading and let's find out!


• It was another big primary election night in Oregon last night—and if you want to read our sassy-ass blow-by-blow account of the evening, check out our live blog! But here are the big takeaways from last night's races: Locally it's looking like former Republican Nathan Vasquez is cruising to an easy victory over People for Portland's mortal enemy Mike Schmidt in the MultCo District Attorney race. In the MultCo Board of Commissioners races, Meghan Moyer and serial election loser Vadim Mozyrsky may go to a runoff in District One, and the same will probably happen in the District Four race between Vince Jones-Dixon and dark horse/surprise Brian Knotts. Julia Brim-Edwards won District Three easily, and in District Two, Shannon Singleton will either go up against former Mayor (and increasingly annoying) Sam Adams or Old Town gentrifier (also annoying) Jessie Burke. All Multnomah County measures (gas, zoo, teachers, water) were approved, so next time, can't we do a "small penis tax" for those dudes who can't stop buying huge pickup trucks?

• In statewide races, Democrat Maxine Dexter handily defeated Susheela Jayapal in Oregon’s 3rd Congressional District race thanks to all that sweeeet Israel genocide money. (Check out this "kiss of death" tweet.) Shannon Jones Isadore won her run for House District 33, while Dem Willy Chotzen took House District 46. Dan Reyfield will take on a faceless Republican in November for the attorney general seat, same for Tobias Read who won the Democratic primary for secretary of state, as well as Elizabeth Steiner for state treasurer. Meanwhile Democratic state Rep. Janelle Bynum will be yanking the wig off Republican U.S. Rep. Lori Chavez-DeRemer this fall in their congressional race, and (surprise!) despite an uptick in protest votes (see "supporting genocide" above), Oregon Dems think that Joe Biden is still better than Donald "Orange Turd" Trump. Stand by for even MORE election results from the Mercury!


• Well, this is some bullshit: Attorneys for the City of Portland are asking a judge to overrule a jury's decision to hold a Portland cop responsible for the needless 2021 killing of Michael Townsend, who was in a mental health crisis. The jury called for the city to pay $1 million for the officer's negligence, but city lawyers are trying to skirt out of it, claiming the jury's verdict was not “legally supported by the evidence.” (Wouldn't it be cheaper—ultimately—for police to restructure how they do things instead of constantly forcing taxpayers to pay millions for their repeated mistakes? Not a rhetorical question.)

• Very much related:

• And check out the nerve of these buttholes: DaBella construction, who was the Portland Timbers' shirt sponsor for a hot minute, is suing the organization for dropping their sponsorship after their CEO was accused of sexually harassing female employees. (This is after the Timbers lost their previous sponsor, Alaska Airlines, due to accusations of verbal and sexual harassment from Timbers/Thorns management.) OH, WHAT A WORLD IN WHICH WE LIVE.


• Oooooooh, the genocide-happy state of Israel is gonna be sooooo mad: Spain, Ireland, and Norway (all US allies) have all recognized the Palestinian state, joining scores of other countries and dealing an isolationist blow to Israel. However the US is still holding out, with Biden saying that Palestinian state recognition should come via "direct negotiations" with Israel, rather than recognition from others... because the two are such very good friends?

• President Biden is doing what he can to improve his disturbing polling numbers by canceling student loans for an additional 160,000 people. NICE! Do Israel's genocide next.

• In the crazy, mixed-up world of Trump Land: Rudy Giuliani has agreed to stop spreading malicious lies about Georgia election workers; Georgia prosecutor Fani Willis, as well as the judge who's presiding over Trump's racketeering case, both won their respective elections last night dealing a serious blow to Republicans who no longer care about "law and order"; Embarrassing and feckless Republican Marjorie Taylor Greene is helping Trump spread the lie that the FBI investigation into classified documents kept at Mar-a-Lago was... *checks notes*... actually an assassination attempt? The more pressing question is "what if MTG and her nutty cohorts actually turn America into their version of upside down Bizarro world?"

• The sale of Elvis Presley's sweeping Graceland has been put on hold after a judge determined that Presley's granddaughter (and Hollywood actress) Riley Keough has substantial proof that a lender is lying about their ownership of the estate.

• And finally... LOOK. It's like last night's election. I saw this, and now YOU have to see it too. Good day, sir. I SAID... "GOOD. DAY!"