While your job may be harrowing—sitting in front of a computer monitor all day, occasionally glancing out the window to wonder how many minutes are left until you die—the guy in this video may have it a bit worse. For reasons unknown, his job is to climb to the tippity-top of a 1768 foot tall […]
Oh, You Kids!
Posted inTech
Old People? You’re ADORABLE!
While it would certainly be more convenient if old people would either escort themselves to a retirement home, or crumble into dust like the vampires in Buffy—I think we may be stuck with them. And OY VEY! Do they ever like to complain! “Waitress! My mush is too spicy!” “How much does postage cost for […]
Posted inOh, You Kids!
Mercury Employees: Learn this Dance by 4 pm.
This video is viral marketing, and the best kind. Though I will never buy a Samsung product, I appreciate the care put into this hilarious video featuring a little girl, and the dance every Mercury employee must learn by 4 pm today. (Guys, better get started. That’s in, like, 45 minutes.) LEARN IT.
Posted inOh, You Kids!
Kindergarten: A Hint of Auschwitz
So as you know, I’ve impregnated a lot of women—and as such, a number of my offspring (spread all across the country) are attending their first day of kindergarten today. I escorted one of them to class this morning (her name escapes me), and let me tell you the entire experience had the stink of […]
Posted inOh, You Kids!
In His Cellar, I am Chained to a Radiator
Oh, you Asians! Always taking taboo subjects—such as creepy sexual predators who chain children to the radiator in their basements—and using them to make lively and adorable children’s programming. (Wait… whaddaya mean “those are fake subtitles”? She’s patting her bottom and singing “punitive spanking”! What else would she be talking about??) Via AsiaWTF!
Posted inOh, You Kids!
All Hail Lisa Frank: Prepubescent Overlord!
Before pre-teen girls had their self-esteem ripped away by Disney Princesses, Lisa Frank was the overlord in chief. In honor of “Back to School” week, check out this classic Lisa Frank commercial which shows how kids in the 90s were smacked in the face by a LF tsunami! Glitter paint! Pretty beads! Puppy stickers!! MUST… […]
Posted inDrunk
Unfortunate Vodka Situation
How many times have you been knocking back vodka shots with your pals, when you stop to realize that the Grey Goose you’re swilling isn’t doing shit for your freakishly sculpted abs? Never? Oh. Well, the makers of Devotion Vodka have. They’re making a vodka that has about two grams of protein in every shot, […]
Posted inMovies & TV
This Movie Made $12.2 Million This Weekend. Also, There Is No God.
Box Office Mojo has the full rundown of this weekend’s box office. It’s moderately suicide-inducing. The best part is the critique of the ad campaign for The Switch: The comedy featuring Jennifer Aniston and Jason Bateman had a largely nondescript advertising campaign, as if the marketers tried to hide the movie’s potentially unappealing premise of […]
Posted inOh, You Kids!
Why Conceive a Child When You Can Buy a Doll to Urinate on You?
From the Saturday morning archives, here’s a hilarious and fairly disturbing commercial for Baby Wee-Wee, the baby doll that drinks, exposes its impressively large penis, and then urinates all over you. Usually I have to turn to Craigslist for this type of treatment! WEE-WEE! WEE-WEE! WEE-WEE!
Posted inFood and Drink
Your Lemonade Sucks! OR How to Run a Successful Lemonade Stand in Portland: A Guide for Seven-Year-Old Entrepreneurs
There has been much uproar about the Multnomah County Health Department’s attempted shut-down of seven-year-old Julie Murphy’s lemonade stand during Last Thursday, last Thursday [as covered in yesterday’s Good Morning News]. Everyone seems appropriately up in arms, and the Health Department has even apologized. But as a food critic, I don’t think I’m remiss in […]
Posted inOh, You Kids!
Today in Unintentional Foreign Catapults
I don’t know what country this is from—I don’t want to know. What I DO want to know is what the goddamn U.N. is gonna do about this growing scourge of foreign nations allowing fat kids to piggyback ride each other off a diving board, and leaping onto a huge inflatable pillowy thing, thereby catapulting […]
Posted inOh, You Kids!
Bad Yearbook Photos
BuzzFeed and Huffington Post have just discovered the merely days-old Bad Yearbook Photos blog, so better keep current, Blogtownies. The site is literally what it says it is, and worth a breeze-through for a car-crash-y kind of a laugh. See it now before the collective “over it” sets in: Yowza. Hit the break for a […]